American Idol: I love to hate you

I love to hate American Idol.

I love it (to hate it.) I love to know everything that has happened in 6 seasons. (I don't claim season 1, since I only saw the recap DVD.)

I love to know what is happening, what is corrupt and what will happen next. I love it. I hate it. Oh, American Idol, where are you tonight when I need to love to hate you?

I was going to write a haiku, but "American Idol" has too many syllables. I guess I can try.


A Haiku for Idol:

Oh, Idol, the pain
You are not here to hate you
Season 8, I'll wait.

Lizza's having a baby at home!!

One of my dear soul mates, Lizza Nelson, just posted a blog about how she is preparing to give birth at home. I am proud of her for rethinking something so common and trying something new!! Nice job, babe. I can't wait to hear every details.

Read Lizza's soapbox at her blog here.

Infertility: Who do you talk to?

Warning: Men hate to hear about Fertility, so if you're reading... you've been warned and should just stop reading.


So, ladies, as most of you know I am totally laking in the fertility side of life. Ever notice that we hear so much more about fertile Myrtle and not nearly enough about the pains and successes of the rest of us?

I get it. It's personal and sad, and we think we're alone. But does it have to be this way? I think the silence just perpetuates the sadness.

I've been a lot better during this round of infertility than I was the first time when I turned into a complete crazy person, but I still have hard days. And I still find it fascinating that this is the only issue in my life that is hard to find the right person to talk to about.

My husband does what he can, but as I have said... he is no woman when it comes to talking and sharing.

And all my friends are in their child-baring years like me, which just causes a lot of chances for awkward moments.

It goes like this: You know I'm trying. I know you know. You get pregnant... it's a good thing I didn't tell you how I really feel. Now that I never shared, I can just drop off a gift and smile real big and maybe it will make everything go by smoothly.

Or how about this? What if I decide you are the one to share with? I finally hit the wall, and you are there. I tell you exactly how badly I hurt. You cry. I cry, and the next day, Yeah!, you're pregnant. Looks like I'll find a new confidant because it is just weird for both of us now.

Or even worse, after my big break down and my vulnerable moment.... Yeah!!! I' pregnant, and now I just feel like a big baby. Now I showed you how crazy I really am for nothing.

None of those options seems worth it, so we just keep quiet.

But whenever I need to talk, all of these scenarios run through my head, and I feel like I have no one.

I'm luckier than most because I have an open personality, and I have a few best friends who are honest about these ackwardnesses. Bridget just came out and told me one day that if I got pregnant, I should not expect her to be happy right away (as she geared up to try again after her two miscarriages.) And my dear Lindsay sat me down after I had been trying to get pregnant for 5 horrible months and told me she was going to try for number two. She told me it was ok to cry. I did ... in front of her and at home. I cried before she got pregnant (the next day) and after. And I will always be grateful for the honesty and love of these two close friends.

But it still doesn't make the problem go away. Who should you talk to? Who will always be there?

My mom thinks I'm too poor to have another baby, so she won't really be listening if I chose to talk to her. My sister who is the best listener I know is having a baby on Wednesday, and I believe with all my soul that she should not have to listen or care about me right now. Plus, she is fertile as hell and can't really understand.

Then anyone you choose is probably going to say something like, "Oh, the minute you stop worrying about it, you'll get pregnant," "It just takes time" or "Oh, you'll probably get pregnant next month."

And there is always the added problem (which isn't really a problem in the end) that for most women with fertility issues, they actually could get pregnant "next month," and since you know that, it is hard to open up. You just wait. And wait.

But eventually, even if it is only for a moment each month, you will hit the wall. You are not wired to keep in this much pain, which is one of the reasons why, of course, you turn into a crazy person.

So, I don't have a complete solution, but I do have some ideas, friends.

Old people and strangers. This is who you should talk to.

They don't have to be that old, but women who are no longer having children can be great to talk to. Now, a lot of them aren't, so be careful. But a lot of them are.

One time on a horrible day, I ended up at my neighbor's house. She's an older women who has several children raised and out of the house. I was at her house to pick up a check for a neighborhood event, and I started asking her questions about the pictures on her wall. She pointed to her kids and starting telling me their ages. There was a 6 year gap from one child until her pair of twin girls. She gently and subtly let me know that the pain of those 6 years was nearly unbearable, and that she sees her twins as the miracle that healed a huge part of her heart.

A few days later a little cat walked into my life and (no joke) because of that talk with Gretal, I was able to see the healing powers in that miracle. I completely changed my life and perspective.

For the next several months, I knew that Gretal was there across the street, and that if I hit the wall, I could go open up to her. I never did. I never needed too, and I think it was because I knew she was an option for me. I wasn't alone.

Just yesterday, I talked to my husband's aunt about her own years of baby making. She had her fair share of trouble. She is not super emotional, but, again, I knew that if I needed to talk at a later time, she will be there.

Strangers are great, too, because they tend to go away. They can be there in the moment, and they can't be there to get pregnant or judge you or gossip about you the next day.

They don't always know what they are talking about, but when you find the right one, they are Golden. I met a friend a few weeks ago on plane who had the same problems I did getting pregnant with her first. We both loved to talk it out and to work through some of the emotion that was still lingering.

I ask strangers all kinds of questions. If they have kids ages 10 and 3, I ask something like, "That is interesting. Did you choose that age difference or was that how life workout for you?" I love the peace and strength I get from their answers, and I find that just like I need to talk, so do they.

Obviously, fertility is huge. I have tons to say about the process, the worry, the reasons, the logic, the medicine and the gospel, but that is all for another day.

In the meantime, here are a few sites that offer places to talk and get more information:
Two of Us for Now: Web site for infertile Mormon couples
Fertility Plus: information from patients for patients
Resolve: A national organization that I am thinking of volunteering with




Quinn at 10 months. My miracle and my inspiration.

Refocused on Yoga and Hopefully Motivated for Future Inner Peace

A pain in my hip reminded me of the horribly destructive cycle I have in my life when I get healthy and feeling too good.

So the other day I was walking, and I noticed my hip was totally out of alignment. Within a few hours my back hurt, and I couldn't fall asleep. Everyone knows the saying, "Those who don't know history are destined to repeat it," and this pain issue is a constant cycle for me. It's very obvious, and still I kept ignoring it.

It goes like this: I get really into yoga and exercise because it is good for my body and makes me feel great. Then I get busy and stop doing it all because my body feels fine. Then something goes wrong in my body, and I do not notice for weeks until it all catches up to me with a headache so bad that I can barely move.

I go to the chiropractor and get one adjustment to start the mending process (and get my back freakin' bruised because he sucks at his job.) And then since the whole thing was this great wake up call, I get back into yoga, and the cycle starts all over again.

Well, I was at a Women's Expo a few weeks, and I talked to a holistic chiropractor. I told him my cycle, and how I need a more enlightened doctor for my office visit whenever this happens. He said to me, "Well, I'd rather treat your lifestyle instead of putting and Bandaid on it every few weeks." Ouch, he's right. A bruise to my ego.

I really do consider myself to me enlightened and holistic, but I guess that is only when it is convenient. So this time I was much better. I felt the pain in my hip and went to work on it right away. I did a yoga practice before bed, went for a walk the next morning and woke up early on a Saturday morning to attend my favorite mind bending yoga class at the Gold's Gym on 800 North in Orem, Utah. (It's so good that is transcends crappy gym yoga which is hard to do. )

I thought about the whole cycle a lot today because I am sore as heck from having to jump back into a yoga routine so quickly, but it is good for me. What was I thinking just saying, "That was nice, but I am fine now, again." Everything I know about yoga and taking care of your body says that it involves constant persistence and attention. I guess motivation is hard sometimes... for everything in life. School, work, motherhood, nutrition, correspondence, service to others and especially personal bans on horribly inappropriate TV shows that you love so much (like Grey's Anatomy.) It all takes a special and constant motivation that seems to fall in the crack of the couch when I'm busy watching an episode of Friends after a hard day of supporting my family. I bet that last sentence wouldn't sound so bitter if I hadn't taken the last month off from my routine of grounding myself in inner peace and love. Oops.

Afterthought: Syl Carson is a yogi in Provo who is incredibly enlightened and well trained. If I had $130 I would have headed straight for one of her Thai Yoga Messages (that comes complete with an amazing pep talk) when I noticed the pain in my hip. Syl is a huge source of inspiration in my life, and somedays just knowing she exists is enough to keep me focused and filled with peace. This is much like how I feel about my friend Lizza, who I rarely talk to but think about constantly for the life force that she is.

Syl Carson, White Mountain Yoga

It is for sure now: American Idol is fake

Another American Idol mess-up shows that contestants' sour notes are sometimes cleaned up. I give up on the big lie that is Idol.


So, at the beginning of the American Idol top 24 episodes this year, my husband declared to me that American is totally rigged and that the judges/producers purposely put failed or already discovered artists into the 24 to stack the deck at getting a better chance at a hit-selling winner. He had done a bunch of reading online, and he told me the stories about how Carly crashed a record label with her $2 million flop when she was 19 and how David A. has been beating the pants off of Star Search for years. I told him to calm down, and we'd see what happen.

Well, what just happen is the season finale, which took any doubt out of the equation that this show is not what it appears to be. I'm not out of my mind. I fully expected the producers to use their song choosing powers last week to try to help seal whatever deal they want, but I have never expected that what is being sung on the stage is not actually what we hear at home. But this is what happen at the finale. It is very clear during the recap clips at the end that David A.'s last high note in Imagine was totally off (horrid, horrible, wanted to plug my ears, off.) We went back to listen again, and the note in the performance was on key and never went to the high note heard in the recap. What is going on here, idol?

The same thing seemed to be the case with at least one David C. note. And, ironically enough, this was the only night of the season that the judges did not comment on the performers "pitchiness" in spots. But I heard it myself; David A. hit a full-on sour note. It is clear that an autotuning devise was used during the performances and then the wrong clips where pulled for the recaps OR someone was in charge of cutting out the bad note for the replays of this not-so-live show, but they forgot to fix the recaps too.


Now, I have the worst ear for music, so the fact that I could hear this problem is crazy. I also noticed that David A.'s songs were muffled as if a remix was dubbed after taping to focus on the crowd and not the singing. I am Mormon and from Utah like David A., so I back him and hope he wins. But I don't think anyone would really want to win this way. What is American Idol trying to pull? How can we trust anything when these mix ups keep happening that show what is really going on?

As much as I enjoy the show, I think I might have to be done forever because this kind of obvious dishonesty is just unfair. Right, everyone knows that we are all suckers when it comes to all kinds of media and the fact that we watch this show in the first place (and buy the iTunes the next day.) It reminds me of the movie Simone where a man created a pop super star who was actually just a hologram that he projected from his computer.

In general, I don't want to be part of something that makes people even less aware of how media industries and messages actually work. I originally supported idol because I felt like it gave consumers the power to choose the people they want to see in pop culture. I liked being able to choose sleeves and kindness, but now it just feels like a lie.... 'cause it is.

*** We just re-watched everything AGAIN. And as we watched and compared the notes, movements, facial expressions and all (because we are that lame) it is clear that they ending recaps are not even the same clips as the actual live performances. It must be from the dress rehearsal. Now, I hate this show because it's just dumb. Don't they pay people a lot of money to keep things straight? And what are the odds that both would sing so poorly in rehearsal and not make any mistakes in the live show?

Colbert Report Effect

A student dicussion of Fox News helped me make the connection between Stephen Colbert and my new comfort in watching or listening to conservative media.

So my students in a mass communication and society class were talking about Fox News. They had read an article for class about how Fox has higher ratings because it is fair and balances and appeals to a younger audience. Younger audience, yes, but fair and balanced? I'm not so sure about that. But it did make me think about why, if ever, I watch Fox News and why, if ture, its ratings are going up.

As the students talked about Fox News, they were mostly talking about convservative, dramatic news shows like Hannity and Colmes. One of their questions was, "Does higher ratings mean that they ahve more true, and the audience goes there because they know it has more true?" Well, no. That seems rediculous to me. How can you really measure truth? And I just don't think the average person watches any news show and consciously thinks, "That's not true."

One person talked about access and how maybe cable access for conservatives has increased, which is increasing the number of viewers of conservative TV news. This made me think about the Colbert Report, and how I didn't start watching any conservative TV news or even know that they exsisted until after I got hooked on Stephen Colberts spoof version. After regularly navigating through the Report, I got a better understanding for how conservative TV news in layed out. I soon started stopping on those channels when I wanted news because they felt familiar. This is just another aspect of access. After watching the Report, I had more mental access to the other shows and to the Fox network all together. And it was mostly subconsious.

I don't have many strong opinions, so conservative media sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable. i'm not a name caller, and I like to hear both sides. In the past I would avoid extreme political discussion on either side, but again, I think watching Colbert has made me feel more comfortable because its not real. I just get used to listening and thinking without all the stress like I used to have. I listened to Rush in the care for like an hour a few weeks ago because his voice put my baby to sleep, and I was able to listen and think and have my own opinions when in the past I would have change the channel.

At the beginning of class we also talked about the CSI effect that makes juries nervous to convicted people in court these days because they expect more evidence and high-tech results from forensic science. This effect is obvious and huge, but I can't help but think that the Report effect is small and subtle but maybe making Rupert Murdock a lot of money and maybe helping a few young independents feel more comfortable learning and growing on the political scene.

New Story to an Old Thought

So, back in December I wrote this on my old blog:

"Does a thought come in the sharing of it? Not Sure. But I know I have a great best friend. I like a sign of a world class buddy is when you realise that what you are saying or writing to them is literally your thoughts from the root. Sometimes I have thoughts for the first time when I tell my best friend Lindsay, because the essence of who she is puts me in a place where I feel comfortable thinking, changing, growing...

I have my husband, of course. And I mostly feel this way about him, but let's be real, any real man can simply not care about everything you think about. Thier minds are not wired that way. So, I am blessed with two sounding boards (actually, 3 because I also have my sister... different blog) my husband Tim and my best friend Lindsay (for the record Lindsay is the current "acting best friend" and is not intended to replace or down play Bridget and Kari who are both all time best friends. Lindsay, of course will be added to all time best friend list very shortly.)

Anyway, I was sending an email to Lindsay today because I dropped my phone down a storm drain and I no longer have her phone number. But as I wrote, I realised my thoughts were unorganized and unfiltered, but like they can be with a friend... and a blog."

Anyway, I thought maybe I was being a little hard on my husband. Oh, not true. I got home from a day at a local Women's Expo yesterday, and my sister Avery was doing work at out kitchen table. She started asking me all kinds of questions about the stuff I liked at the expo, so I started telling her about the holistic healers I talked to and how they knew all this cool stuff about me when they analyzed this picture I drew for them. After awhile, Tim joins the conversation out of nowhere and says, "Hey, Ave, I'm so glad you are hear for her to talk to so I don't have to listen to this crap. You're the best." Funny, yes, but I shall no longer feel guilty about thinking that his mind is just not as enlightened as my own! 

Rate My Professors

So, I just set up this new blog, and I wanted to know if you could find it using a google search. My last blog was at Jillfellow.com, but it is missing. Long story. But when I searched, my blog did not come up... but look what did .... my students' comments about me on Ratemyprofessors.com. Nice. It makes me a little uncomfortable, but I'm trying to embrace it. I guess my issue is that I know students talk about me, but it feels more intense when it's circulated by mass media, you know? 

Check out this link to read what my students have to say about me:  http://www.ratemyprofessors.com/ShowRatings.jsp?tid=1085293