A Women's Waiting Room

A detailed rant about all my tears today and the ups and downs of womanhood.

So I sort of had a break down today, but I got to share it with some strangers that gave me some perspective. I went in for my second IUI procedure. I left the house in a bad mood with a seemingly horrible, unfix-able and unfair problem AND very mad at my husband. I got halfway to the freeway when I realized I forgot both my phone and my book. I couldn't turn around because of the nature of an IUI, and I couldn't call Tim to say I was sorry as I had planned to do moments after leaving the house. I also couldn't call any of my sisters or girlfriends to help me work through my issues. And, to top if off, I knew I didn't have a good book to read while I would wait at the doctor's office for over an hour.

When I got to the appointment, the receptionist sent me straight to the business office to pay my bill in full. This was a shock since I had voluntarily called two days before and payed last months bill, and when I called they asked how much of my bill I wanted to pay. I had payed it all, of course. I kindly explained to the horrible person at the counter that I just pain this same amount two days ago, and I had not planned on paying it again right away. I started to tear up and she started to argue and bring a neighbor in on the action. I told her to forget it. I paid the bill while she continued to give me attitude. I still didn't have my phone, and I really needed to talk to Tim to complained about this big mean woman and to tell him how much I love him.

I found a seat in the waiting room and surrendered to a Parenting Magazine (although I am a die-hard Parents Magazine reader.) Within minutes a very happy woman walked in with her 7 week old, her 1-year-old son and her mother. I wanted to puke on them. I tried to focus on my magazine, but I welled up a few times if I thought about the woman at the counter, the woman next to me, my unsolved sadness at home or my overall crazy stress.

A few minutes later a girl my age walked in and tried to explain something to the receptionist. She stopped to cry a few times, and I realized she was having a miscarriage. I started to bawl. I just cried right there in the waiting room. I had to. It was just too sad. There was just too much sadness in the room. I could feel her energy, and it overwhelmed me. I tried to clear myself up, but I just kept remembering her pain. I'd look at her, and I'd start to cry all over again.

So, to try to distract myself, I looked up to another corner of the waiting room. I noticed another woman my age sitting 7 seats away from her husband. They were trying to quietly talk out a fight they were having. She was clearly out of her mind with anger and grief at whatever he did. I heard her say, "But you knew I was upset, and you didn't even try to make me feel better." It was like a script of mine. I wanted to hug her. I understood. But I could feel her tension. It made me cry. I just wanted to tell her that nothing is that bad. He'll understand later and say sorry so she should just enjoy her ultrasound.

I tred to focus on my magazine, but I keep looking at the miscarrying girl, the anger girl, the happy new mom, the wonderful Grandmother. I thought about the horrible woman in the business office, the nice receptionists, the woman who wheeled in her brand new stroller while staring endlessly at her new born. And in that moment we all represented womanhood at various stages of life (or on any given day.) It is intense to be a woman. We're everywhere. We're a little crazy. We're that Garth Brooks song, "She's Fire and Ice." We go through everything. We endure. We overcome. We cry. We laugh. We try. We learn. And Sometimes we just wait. So I just let my tears pour out every few minutes, and when I finally got to the procedure room and the nurse asked me, "How are you today?", I just said "fine" in a not so fine voice like Eeyore because that is truly how I felt.

When it was all over, I rushed home to apologize to my husband who I love so much. I sped all the way, and I when I threw open the front door, he said, "Hey, Mommy's home, Quinn. How did it go, babe?" And he had no I idea I'd left in a huff or that I had not taken my phone.

Oh, Ladies. It is just exhausting sometimes.

Quinn is ready for the Road

Need a new band member, Chris?

Too bad Quinn and I are not tagging along on the Fall Chris Merritt tour. On our trip to Boise last week, Quinn had a blast in the back seat with Chris and Avery.

And in her free time, she's been jamming on the keys to gear up. Whenever we go to a house with a piano, Quinn head's straight for it.

And now, thanks to my parents, we have a piano of our own. Quinn spends several hours a day climb up and down on the piano bench. She bangs on the keys but has already learned to touch one key at a time, which really makes her practice time more enjoyable for the rest of us.

Pray, Read, Write and Share

Tim and I started a new scripture study plan this week. The change has been a long time coming. Basically since the first time we opened the scriptures together (when we were dating,) we've had different styles and ideas for how it should be done. So now, 6 years later, ... well, some things just take time.

Our new method combines what we both like about the scriptures. It's called pray, read, write and share, and I learned it at Girls' Camp last week. The process can be altered, but basically, you get together, say a quick prayer, read the same scriptures silently, write some of your thoughts and then share your thoughts.

It works for us because Tim likes to read a whole chapter straight through for his scripture study, and I like to stop and ponder and look stuff up and over analyze a bit. With this method, we both get to do our thing, but we get the closeness of reading the same parts and sharing our thoughts -- however great or small.

We're lucky that we have so much time together these days. We've planned to do our reading every morning at 9 a.m. Most ladies aren't so lucky to have their man home during the day. This is one of the many perks of the drummer's wife/ owner of the band. But Tim and the band will be gone for 8 weeks in the fall, so I have got to get all my time with him in now. Reading the scriptures together feels great and seems to count double for quality time. Hopefully we'll keep our new scripture adventure alive on the road with Skype and other modern marvels.

IUI Update

For those of you following the IUI experiment, the first month officially failed. Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers. It really helps to know that you are all rallied behind us whether silently or not. Fingers crossed for this month. I'm saving my pennies and trying not to become a crazy person. It is hard but doable. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and all that junk...

Thanks again. You make all the difference.

Girls' Camp

As this is also my Blog of Record, here is one of many long posts about Girl's Camp 2008. Read with caution. It might be boring to the non-camping on-looker. But I am in it to win it with blogging, so here it goes.

I spent the week sleeping in a tent. I also got to make some great friends and get a spiritual makeover that I hope will last for at least a little while. My adventure took place at Girls' Camp. In my church, all the girls ages 12 to 18 are called the Young Women. I work with them in that organization as an adviser for the 12 and 13 year old girls, so I got an invite to camp. Next thing I knew I was really dirty and singing "Atudeta" with my tongue sticking out and my butt in the air.

I had never been to camp before -- neither girls' camp nor camping at all -- so I had a lot of new experiences. The week had the best of many world -- lots of funny ladies, adorable girls, camp songs, yummy food, hiking and the spirit of God. What a beautiful site it was to watch as my neighbors -- both old and young -- learned, played, served each other and had their testimonies of God strengthened. Watching my girls really got to me as I pictured Quinn joining them in 11 years. I thought about the feelings she'll have about herself, about life, about the gospel... and about boys. It really bonded me to the girls to see them as big Quinn's, and it made me want to put in the extra work to guide them and help them. I hope someone feels this way about my Quinn someday when she is learning or struggling or homesick.

I simply fell in love with all the girls I worked with at camp. I adored all the hugs and cute note they gave me throughout the week, and I was humbled as any negative judgments I had of them were totally shattered. Some girls who at times have seems hopeless really rose to the challenge to make friends and to learn. I'm so proud of my Beehives who completed their long hikes and attended all the camp activities with excitement and energy. As we hikes with the first years of the first day, we were in a single file line walking on a steep mountain. I would call back to them, "Hey, girls, are you doing OK?" I would here back without hesitation, "NOO. I'm dying!" I would say is my nicest voice, "Oh no! Do you need a band-aid?" They would get confused, and just keep walking. I loved it. On the last night some of them tried to stay up all night with the big girls. I can't even express how cute it was to watch them slowly pass out in the middle of the tent while the giggles and scream continued around them.

Two of my dearest friends were at camp, so I of course loved laughing and talking with them all week. And trust me... we did laugh. hard. My friend Melissa has an amazing ability to think in the moment and not see the future, so she is great at making quick, simple decisions. I have a horrible time making decisions because I constantly think in consequences even with things that don't matter. So we had a great, on-going joke all week that Melissa would make all my choices for me at camp. Believe it of not, she made great decisions. Every time I made the choice, we ended up board or cleaning. So whenever someone asked me what I wanted to do, I just said with a straight face, "Oh, um, ask Melissa, she makes my decisions for me." It was great and so funny. Melissa and I also proved to be "Super Star" campers who were completely "In it to win it" sleeping on the ground, staying up too late, and not complaining about the bugs and other wilderness critters. We were referred to more than once as the fountain of youth. I didn't want to spoil my image, so I didn't tell anyone about my aching back and sore hips from the hard ground. I learned so much from Melissa, Ammie and the other leaders who worked their tails off to put on a great camp. They never thought about themselves. It was all and always about the girls. It was true, beautiful service. And I also had such a blast with the other older leaders. I got chances to sit and talk with so many other leaders who I didn't really know before. I feel so connected to so many more people in my neighborhood. I know their trials, happiness, humors and thoughts, and that can make all the difference.

I also gained a much greater understanding of the Young Women program in general. I always thought of mutual back in California as a place where the girls could be around other people with their values. I guess I've never understand what the big deal about Young Women's is in Utah since everyone around everyone is Mormon. But as we camped and hung out with girls from our stake and ward I realized it just doesn't mater how many Mormons are around you. You still have to gain your own testimony of Jesus. You still have to learn the details, feel the spirit, repent, grow, learn and pray. And you still have to learn to do all of these things both in and outside of your home and family life. Anyway, I could talk forever on that, but for now I am going to just let it continue to sink in.

The theme of the camp was "Steadfast Survivor: Be Still and Know." The organizers challenged the girls to be unplugged for the week and take time to know God and the critical principles of his gospel. I really tried to also connect with the theme for my myself and so I could help the girls along the way. I have several more stories to share, but I am going to spread them out over the next few days. And as soon as I can I will pouch pictures of the week from Ammie and Melissa's blogs.




Other favorite memories:
The commitment of the stake leaders
The Girls of the Suncrest 1st ward
Amazing Paige Loudon
The walk through activity on the last night
Being homesick and coming home to see Quinn

Mana from Heaven via Aunt Sue

Little blessings here and there and keeping us going... and eating.

So, I think it is easy to dream about or pray for the big finish when you have hit hard times. "Please bless that the band will make money soon. Please bless that John Mayer will like the music. Please help the band win a Grammy -- soon, Amen."

And it can feel discouraging when the big goal doesn't come to pass as soon as you hoped, but I have learned over the past year that every thing does work out and the Lord does provide.

It started several months ago when each month we would come into some form of extra money ... gifts, donations, tax returns, invoices, extra jobs, big gigs or whatever. Every time this happened I just got stressed and would just worry how the next month would work out since this month was a "fluke."

But I surrender now. I get it. These flukes are our blessing, and I am officially grateful for them.

Just the other day, I figured out how I could make my own bread since it is too expensive at the store. But I didn't have a wheat grinder yet. I decided to ask for one for my birthday. But how would we have enough flour until then?

Well, the next day Aunt Sue said she got a huge box of whole grain bread mix on sale, and she wanted me to take some and figure out how she could use it. When everything was divided out, I ended up heading home with enough whole wheat flour to keep us in bread for exactly the six weeks until my birthday.

I guess it doesn't all have to come at once. I'm hoping now to be more grateful for this path as it unfolds. Maybe its a test of my patience and faith, but I starting to understand that there will always be enough Mana to survive today.

The band is back ... in the basement

The band is back to practicing in the basement, and Quinn can nap through it all .... if she is not dancing.


So, a few weeks after Quinn was born Chris Merritt came to live with us, and he started a new band with Tim. The guys recruited a bass player, and they all started rehearsing in our basement a few times a week. Since Quinn slept a lot back then, it was almost always as she slept. She never cared, and sometimes I would take her downstairs so she could listen and get tired.

Well, about a year ago, the band found new places to practices, but since Chris and Avery's new house has very thin walls and close neighbors, the band is back in our basement. The first few times they played here again, Quinn sat on a case next to the drums and watched, danced and waved her arms. Now she climbs up and down the stairs during practices, and when we are not looking she adjusts the volume on the amps and makes some crazy horrible noises. And she is also back to sleeping during rehearsal. If I lay her down in her bed when the band is playing a crazy loud or fast song, she just goes with it. It sees to here that music and music, and she just rolls over and goes to sleep like she does when we play the Mormon Tabernacle Choir for her. Nice.

Anyway, I've loved having the guys back at our house. I love Chris so much, so it feels wonderful to have the family back under one roof... at least for practice.

Tonight the guys are playing outside the Provo courthouse at 8 p.m. for the Freedom Festival, and then tomorrow morning we are headed to Idaho for an Indie Fest on Tim's 27th birthday. Family/ Band road trip!