The Best Nanny Ever

I brag about my amazing husband and try to be ok with him becoming a better mom than I am.

So, Quinn has been freaking about her B-O-T-T-L-E these days. She wakes up from a long nap, but she is only happy for 10 seconds before screaming at me for a bottle. She's back to waking up multiple times in the night for that wretched M-I-L-K, and all for her words are turning into "A Ba, A Ba, A ba" (with her finger pointed toward the kitchen and her face contorted into quite the little attitude.) A few days ago Tim and I talked about how we're not sure we can handle it anymore, and we're not sure what to do.

In an unrelated event, I left for work the next day feeling like my poor daughter was going to lose a whole day of her life because -- come on -- what's in a day without the momma anyway? But I got home several hours later and was greeted by a happy child who was holding her new sippy cup and a husband who whispered, "I never gave her a B-O-T-T-L-E today. She's rolling with it."

What? That is crazy! I was so proud of them both, but I started to cry especially when I realized this was no accident; and it was not easy. He had had to distract her all day, come up with new game plans, deal with a few fits, and feed her non stop since her little belly was not full of M-I-L-K like it normally is.

There doing it without me, I thought. More tears. They get along fine without me. More tears.

But what am I complaining about. This is great. I surrender. And trust me I have. I don't claim to know the slightest about how this B-O-T-T-L-E thing works. This is daddy's thing. I have to ask him for help everyday when I get home because the minute she sees me she starts working on me to cave. The little tears. The little fits. The big hugs. It breaks my heart, and I have to say, "Bob (Tim), help. I don't know how to do it. Can you try giving her the M-I-L-K in a cup? I do it all wrong." Look at my amazing husband.

But I've got to tell you that this time last year I was coming home from work to a 6 month old baby who had been squeezed into a newborn-sized sleeper playing on the floor that had toys and dishes and junk everywhere. The guilt combined with the mess was like poison for my soul, and I would turn into a crazy person. I would stomp around cleaning the house.

I was exhausted after my long days and totally angry that he couldn't manage to do more than keep the baby alive. (He forgot to feed her solid food for a few months...) I got so made after two weeks of this that I fired him as my nanny. I took a second job, and spent my new earnings at a day care. It figured it was this or divorce. Extreme times. Extreme measures.

After a few days of Tim taking Quinn to daycare at 9 a.m., he said to me, "What if I don't want to take her to day care? Can I just keep her home with me. We have fun."

"NO!" I said. "You have lost your privileges. It is too late!"

Then I remember the next week I got home from my crazy day, and the blanket in the front room was folded and thrown neatly over the couch. I took a deep breath. We were going to get through this. Six weeks later Quinn and her nanny were reunited, and things have improved every week since. And now he's looking up B-O-T-T-L-E weening on the Internet without me and going for the gold. What a jewel!

Yesterday as I was driving home from work, I got a call from Tim and Quinn.

"Hi," he said. "I was just wondering if you wanted to meet Quinn and me for a snowie on your way home."

"Are you kidding?" I said. "That sounds like the best idea I have ever heard."

"Coool," he said. "I wanted to get Quinny a treat since she went another day without a B-O-T-T-L-E."

Now that is a great Mom if I've ever known one.

So here's to my husband. A man who follows his dreams, bathes the baby, makes great Mac and Cheese and works it as both a mom and a dad. He never complains. He never criticizes.

He rarely retorts.

Best Nanny ever. Best Dad ever. Best Friend ever.

First Day, New School, Olympic Dreams

So, last night I was officially assigned to teach a class at Salt Lake Community College. This is on top of 7 courses I will be teaching at Utah Valley University. So, the end of the email from the coordinator who hired me said, "So, will you be able to make it tomorrow?" TOMORROW!? The first day was apparently today, but I thought it was next week. Dear me. So I stayed up late, through something together and almost died when my alarm sounded at 6 a.m.

I really do love the first day of school. I always have -- as a student and a teacher. I like change. It's fun and different. Maybe I like drama too. Not sure. Anyway, I had to stop and ask several people for directions before I found the office and my classroom. But it all worked out in the end.

As a class I had my students do a giant brainstorm of all the media involved in the Olympics. We talked a lot about mainstream media messages NBC commentary and newspaper coverage. Then I had them get on computers and search for underground and less noticeable media messages that have been made about the games.

This seemed fairly obvious to me. Look up videos on You Tube posted by athletes and spectators. Search Google blogs for peoples accounts of attending or watching the Olympics. Look for small Web sites, fan sites, athlete sites la, la, la. Instead I look up and every single students is staring blankly at the same list of Google hits from their obvious search of "Olympics." So I said, "Someone go check for interesting clips on You Tube and someone else go search Google blogs." Next time I look up, 8 of the computers are playing the same Chinese cartoon, which was obviously the first video that came up on their search.

I mocked them, and we had a good time about it. But, I am sort of shocked that even with the computer generation, they don't always know what to do with the Internet. They blog, but they don't know how to search a blog. They know how to find funny videos, but they can't search You Tube to learn something. Nothing against them at all because it was early, and they were really fun in class. But it is sort of a sad cultural commentary.
Also to their credit, I did the exercise myself later today and much enjoyed the junk they found.

New Pictures of Quinn

http://web.mac.com/jillfellow/Kristie_Quinn_Fellow/Summer_Trip_.html

I've got tons of pictures from our trip to California, Arizona, California this month. We had an amazing time. I posted tons of pictures of Quinn and our family at Quinn's site. Click here for the general site and click here for the newest pictures.

Love you all!





Just a day at the beach.
One of many summer adventures.

Earth Cakes!

You all know I have been on a health kick lately, and I am the first to admit that I can get a bit extreme. I've been slowly cutting out meat, dairy products and all preservatives from our diet, and to top it all off I have been slowly adding wheat germ, quinoa and all kinds of grains and veggies into all our normal food. And again I do not deny that I am one for taking things too far.

So, no joke. Tonight I fed my daughter pancakes that tasted like the earth. THE EARTH. I am not sure if I am proud or ashamed. But since she ate them with delight, I don't plan to fix what is not broken.

I, however, did not eat them.




Earth Cakes (Earth, of course, is a euphemism for "dirt")
Developed by the one and only Jill Fellow

1 1/2 cup whole wheat pancake mix from Good Earth
1 1/2 cup water
1/4 cup Quinoa flakes
1/2 cup beet puree

1. Mix the ingredients until smooth.
2. Taste the batter to make sure it, in fact, tastes like "The Earth."
3. Pour onto a hot skillet at medium heat.
4. Flip when bubbles pop.
5. Serve to child with sugar-free applesauce.
6. Prepare something else for self.


(Photo by Google Images -- Warning: as with all cookbooks, the above photo does not represent the pancakes made with the above recipe)

Oh, Dear Me...

The tail of my trickery in finding the newest piece to my infertility puzzle ... for free!


So, I am a genius. I was having some abdominal pain a.k.a. a lot of tummy aches, so I went to see a doctor of internal medicine a few weeks ago. He did a bunch of blood work. It all came back negative, of course, so I was back to square one. I went to a follow up with him on Tuesday, and he basically had nothing to say. Since I haven't been in much pain the last few week (accept for some sharp pain in my ovary areas) I didn't have the energy to really keep him looking for the source of the problem. But at the last minute, he wanted to examine my stomach. He pushed around, and the last push HURT. I told him, "Um, you're hurting me. What is that?" "That, right there?" "Yes, that. It hurts." "There isn't supposed to be anything there," he said. "But, yes, I see that there is." (Genius)

He told me to get a CT scan. I asked him a few times if it was necessary, and he kind of gave me the, "Yeah, probably we should do it." I was thinking you are a quack who didn't know there was something there until I said something. BUT, the CT scan pictures include the female organs, so I thought, What a great way to get a free fertility test!! I am a genius (as previously stated.)

I was very close to canceling the appointed because I kept gagging on the chalky drink that I had to take to makes my insides light up, but I just went for it anyway. The appointment was a no brainer, and I was home for a play date with Melissa by 10 a.m.

But by 2 p.m. I got a call from a number that looked like a doctor's office, and I started freaking out. I got the message, and it was my doctors office with my results. Well, as most people know you do not get called for a negative result. I totally started freaking out, which is not so hot on my stomach. My sister and I ball up inside -- very quickly -- when we sense stress. It is not pretty, but we are in it together. I called the doctor's office and actually hung up the first time. Very not like me, but whatever. I called back.

The woman on the phone said in a confused voice, "Yeah, we got your results, and you have cysts on your ovaries." Oh, dear me. That sure explains a lot. There are four of them. I don't know yet if it is PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) or not. It could be related to the Clomid this mouth or to my horrible menstrual cramps. I might not be ovulating. I might be ovulating late. It could have nothing to do with anything.

So, it is all very confusing. I have a lot of questions and a lot to figure out about what this means for me and our efforts for a family of four. So, I guess this adds another car to the infertility train, All aboard -- "Toot, Toot."

I am overwhelmed at the idea of dealing with this forever. But as pointed out by one of my cousins yesterday in my line of faith, we truly believe that what does not kill you makes you better, happier, more aware and more prepared for life in the world to come. I have blessings coming out of my ears. And if I have to buy my next several children from Romania, so be it.

Thanks, still and always, to my wonderful friends and sisters, mothers and cousins for all your love.

And a shout out to the most beautiful nieces this side of the state line. All babies are miracles, and these are two of my favorites.

Nephi Reminds Me Everyday

1 Nephi 3:7

... for I know that the Lord Giveth no commandments unto the children of men save he prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the things which he hath commandeth them.

Infertility's Common Thread

Please notice the addition to the right sidebar of my blog.

The Infertility's Common Thread is a piece of pomegranate colored thread that women can wear on their right wrist during and after a battle with infertility as a silent sign of support to others who are struggling. It has always been really important to me to never forget the pains that have come with this struggle. (Of course, that was easier to say when i thought the struggle was over two years ago.) As I have explained before, infertility is by its very nature lonely, sad, confusing and painful, and I have brainstormed for months a way to feel more connected to people who understand. Anyway, I found Infertility's Common Thread, and I intend to be a big supporter. It was started on one woman's blog at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread.html

This is the mission statement:

Pomegranates, a longstanding symbol of fertility, serve as a strong analogy to those suffering through infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in colour and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. Though our diagnosis is unique—endometriosis, low sperm count, luteal phase defect, or causes unknown—the emotions, those seeds on the inside, are the same from person to person. Infertility creates frustration, anger, depression, guilt, and loneliness. Compounding these emotions is the shame that drives people suffering from infertility to retreat into silence.

In addition, the seeds represent the multitude of ways one can build their family: natural conception, treatments, adoption, third-party reproduction, or even choosing to live child-free.

The pomegranate thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through A.R.T., families created through adoption, or couples trying to conceive during infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility.Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware.

Join us in starting this conversation about infertility by purchasing this pomegranate-coloured thread (#814 by DMC) at any craft, knitting, or variety store such as Walmart or Target. Tie it on your right wrist. Notice it on others.

We love Cousins

On this trip Quinn saw all of her cousins, and by the time we head home next week, I will have seen a lot of mine too. Between me, Tim and Quinn, we've got a whole lot of cousins, and they are the cream of the crop.

Here are some shots of Quinn bonding with her cousins on our California, Arizona, California Adventure 2008.

Quinn, Hadyn, Drake, Taryn and Dax at the zoo



Quinn and Cousin Peyton get acquainted for the first time.



Quinn and Cousin Calli share some juice and an afternoon together.

And then a personal shout out to my cousin Kate who came to hang out with me and Kristie and the girls while our husbands were out of town. Thanks for the company, Kate! (and the goodies, too.) You really are so great, and I love you! Kate, Kristie, me and Annie in mom's backyard

Happy Birthday to Me!

I spent my 27th birthday in Arizona this year, and it was awesome. I got taken out to dinner with my in-laws the night before my birthday. Then we went to an exhibit at the Mesa Temple Visitor Center. (Reflections of Christ -- which was absolutely amazing). And we topped off the night with some Bahama Bucks, which is some amazing Arizona shaved ice.

But the fun never ended. My sister-in-law bought me some amazing red shelves for my front room, and my husband took me for a night on the town ("The town, A.K.A, "The Gap.") We left Quinn asleep at home with Grandma and Grandpa and headed to a gap outlet a few minutes away. I ran through the store like a crazy person and pretended that I was rich and could have anything I wanted. I wanted most of it. But the best part was when the store was about to close and the lights went low and an employee pulled me aside and whispered like we were in a spy movie, "Follow me. I have a coupon for you."

I'm not crazy. Of course, I followed her. (Tim was in the front of the store playing Sidoku on his iPhone.) When we got to the "the spot," she handed me a folded up print out of a friends and family coupon. 25 percent off everything in the store for the next three days. I had a heart attack and ran even faster through the store for one last sweep.

When all was said and done, I walked up to the registered with about $250 worth of goods. My coupon brought things down to $170, and a gift card brought the total down to $93! Happy birthday to me thanks to a creepy Gap employee and my very patient husband.

IUI Update: lying, crying and clomid

Warning: Graphic Fertility Update. Not for sensitive eyes or for the faint of heart. 

No more babies yet. Round two of the IUI didn't take. I found out on my birthday, which you could probably imagine as a horrible experience. But it wasn't as sad as some months. I've been on an amazing and relaxing summer vacation, so maybe that acting as a buffer between me and my true feelings. 

But I did become a crazy person for a few hours when I called the nurse and lied to her so that I could get for aggressive treatments for next month. Not really my style. I told her I started on Friday, when I didn't start until the next day. She would have given me the medicine without the lie. So basically I risked my eternal soul for nothing. It wasn't worth it. 

But when I tried to justify it, Tim pointed out that the last time I got close to lying (OK, lying) was also for my children. It was for Quinn in the hospital after she was born, when the nurse wouldn't let me take her home until she had "two more good feedings." This was a total farce because she was perfectly healthy, already on a schedule, and had just eaten right before the nurse told me this. So, I did what any self-respecting mother would do. I went in there an hour later and overfed my baby, and then I went back and hour after that and hid behind a screen with my sister. She lied to the nurse for me and told her I was nursing back there. It was proud moment in my motherhood -- the moment where I truly became Quinn's advocate at all costs. 

And in general I feel like I have every right to be an advocate for this unborn, un-conceived baby, but I guess I found my limit because I felt horrible about this lie for days. I eventually called and made my peace with the nurse. I really am crazy. But at least now I am crazy and at peace ... sort of. 

So, the actual update for this month is that I am on Clomid. This is a first for me, and I am a little nervous (mostly because of the lying fiasco but whatever). When you take Clomid, you take one pill on days 3 through 7 of your cycle. I started yesterday and have three more pills to go. The goal of the Clomid is to help your ovary ovulate. In some cases the ovary the ovary will get over stimulated by the Clomid and will release two eggs -- Twins. But this is not actually that common. Most multiple births from fertility drugs come from a different drug that is administered through injections. But still, there is a whole list of side affects to using Clomid, but hopefully the only one I will get is a baby. Seems that worst case says I might get moody, fat or dizzy for five days. I can do anything for five days. So far I have not felt any differently except that I had a sharp pain for like 10 seconds on my left side yesterday. No biggie. I am in it to win it. So whatever. 

Another more urgent goal for trying the Clomid is that I think it might make my cycle shorter. I'm trying to fit two more inseminations in before Tim leaves for tour on Sept. 15. By then it will be time for more tests that Tim does not need to be around for. But as long as we are talking about bad news -- my UVU medical insurance will run out at the end of June which means I need to be pregnant by mid October or so. Yikes. I'll find a way to make it work. I always do. Or -- I guess -- God does.