Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Tim thoughts this was the month...




And he was right!


Details
Negative on Friday and then positive on Monday. Clomid this month but no IUI. I'm already picking up horrible smells from across the room. And my heart is beating fast with the increased blood flow. And, as always, I always have to pee. Due in Early June.

Thank Yous
Thanks to everyone who supported us (me) over the last year. It has been a long road, and your love and support has meant all the difference. Thank you for walking on egg shells. Don't think I didn't notice you minimizing your joys for me. It wasn't completely necessary; but I saw it all, and I love you for it. (You know, standard, "It must have been cold there in my shadow..." la, la, la.)

Also, thanks to my very important group of ladies who have been or are currently in my infertility club. I love you all so much, and I offer hundreds of constant prayers that your pain will be eased. May we all have peace of mind and peace of heart no matter what our situation. I will miss the closeness that I feel with all of you. Give me 9 months, and I'll be back as club president. But I hope you don't mind me saying, that I hope none of you are in the club when I get back.

Pregnancy
It has been a while since I even let myself think about the idea of being pregnant. It all is sinking in very slowly now, and I am delighted. I stick by my stance that pregnancy -- in all its complexity and pain -- is a miracle. I'm five minutes into this adventure, and I already feel like a miracle -- an actual miracle.

Taryn's Thoughts on Too Many Babies
Apparently my niece does not share the mindset that all children are miracles. Tim's sister Katie has 4 kids. Her oldest is Taryn who is 7 years old. She is a bit of a worrier. When Katie told Taryn that Aunt Jill was having a baby, Taryn asked what I was having. Katie told her we won't know for awhile. Taryn said with a very serious face, "I hope she has a girl." Katie asked why, and Taryn said, "Because that way Quinn will have a sister right away. Cause 4 babies is crazy. Too many."


Quinn

After Tim and I found out on Monday morning, we ran in to tell Quinn when she woke up. I got really excited and yelled, "We're going to have a baby at our house." She then got very excited too and pointed to the top corner of her room. Tim and I both turned to see what she was pointing at. Our chins dropped. It was a very old picture of Quinn as a baby that we have never pointed out or talked to her about. She wanted to hold the picture and show us our new baby.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

18 months and going strong


Quinn at 18 months.
Here is a recap of the big 18th month with a trip to California, a big goodbye, some new discoveries and her first day of nursery!




Playing with beads at Grandmother's house


Playing at the beach with Grammy




My met my poodle's mommy.




Feeding the ducks with mom, grammy and grandmother.




Hanging out at Lake San Marcos



Playing at the Children's Museum





On a date with Mom and Daddy at the park





WEEEEE!!!



Me and daddy!




Daddy takes a turn!




Look!!! I put my shoes on all by myself and then snuggled up in Mommy's bed!




Mommy, Me and Daddy after my first Sunday in Nursery.



We learned about honesty on the first day in nursery, and I made this hat.





I would only wear it for pictures.




I couldn't quite get it on by myself.



This thing is tricky!



Here I am!!




My first day outfit. It was supposed to have long sleeves and tights, but it was way hot today!




I spilled my milk, but I was still thirsty.





Who needs a cup!?





Saying goodbye to Daddy as he leaves for 8 weeks on the road!



Bye, Bye!!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Yoga, Yoga Everywhere. Yoga Near and Far.





Deep thoughts on accepting responsibility for your role in every moment.


So, Yoga is huge. No, not like popular-huge, but huge like everywhere, omnipresent, in everything. Sometimes I get down on myself for not practicing a physical (breathing, poses ...) yoga everyday or all the time. Like reading the scriptures, I feel guilty when I skip it because I know that it has such a huge immediately positive effect on me. But whenever I read about yoga, I am overwhelmed once again with how little I know about it. Yoga is, in facy, everywhere.

It is everywhere because it is about the state of the heart. What we see as "yoga" are just different ways that people practice and try to get their heart in the right place. So, yoga is everywhere, and so now I don't have to feel guilty for skipping my asanas because there are many things that I can do to lead me closure to a "yoga heart" -- my words, not real. I used to joke that I did yoga standing still when I would put this peppermint oil on my temples and take some deep breaths during rush hour. I think I was right. My intension was to rebalance and refocus and to alleviate physical or mental pain. Mission accomplished -- Yoga standing still.

An article in Yoga Journal this month talked about accepting responsibility for your part in every moment, which will bring joy in the power of truth. When something goes wrong who do we blame? Next time its totally your fault, just embrace it. It's at least partly your fault. It's at least partly my fault. What does that mean about you today? tomorrow? What does it mean about this moment? Where can the truth of the moment take you?

Ironically, I guess I already knew this... for other people. When my students whined this year about not having the book for the first few reading assignments because they had not ordered it in time or the bookstore had run out, I had the whole class chant silently, "It's my fault. I don't have the book because it is my fault." Then I gave them a list of reasons it was there fault and what they could do about it. It starts with admitting it. If you think it is the bookstore's fault or the teacher's fault, you will not borrow the book from a friend; you will not photocopy the pages; you will not stay up late to get the assignment in on time because it's someone else's fault so why should you put in the effort? But if you don't move past the blame and get the work done, you miss out. You fail. You drop out or whatever, and I don't want that for my students. Some of them have been on that spiral for years.

So in the case of my students, I was trying to empower them to take control of their education and of their lives by admitting that they have power and control and at least some "fault" in every moment. It worked for a few. But I think I need to take my ideas inward. There is intensity and power in being honest in the moment and that is something that people practice when they do the asanas or postures that westerners know as "Yoga." The poses can not be done correctly if your body is out of balance or if you are not respecting your personal limitations. Yoga postures are about checking in with your body and your heart. Accepting the moment and making the next step.

I practice on the mat. I practice in the classroom. I practice as I mother. Who is responsible for this moment? What role do I play? What does that mean for today? For tomorrow?

In the article, Sally Kempton wrote, "The Blame frame is inherently dualistic: If it's not my fault, it is yours. If it is yours, it's not mine. You're the perpetrator. I'm the victim." But then their are people who feel they are always at fault. They take all the responsibility and this habit is just as untrue and out of balance and robs people of joy. We all contribute. We all exist in the space and in the moment, and truth always exists somewhere whether we accept it or not.

"I noticed that part of my imbalance came from my mind's search for a way not to blame myself," Kempton said. Maybe I create imbalance when I tell my students to say, "It is ALL your fault." Maybe I need to find more space for my contributions to their pain. But maybe there are too many of them, and I am not that far along in my yoga study. Dear Me.

As I get deeper into the world of yoga, I am impressed with the depth I see before me. I am impressed with how it fits into the Gospel of Jesus Christ so beautifully. I am impressed with myself and my ability to become something and someone who is ever changing and eventually forever at peace.

Baby Updates ... not mine

My dear friend Lizza had her baby. Read her beautiful thoughts about her home birthing experience on her blog here.

Also, I have been reading the blog of a person I do not know. It is a different experience, and I like it. She keeps a blog only about her fertility process. She is very open and loving. Sometimes when I just can't think about it for me... I think about it for her. She is on her second round of Clomid just like me. She gets much better medical care than I do, and she has higher hopes for the next few months because her husband does not live in a van on the other side of the country. Anyone interested in reading the tails for this brown-eyed stranger can read on her blog here.

And finally, I know and love a couple who is taking care of their 2 year old grandson. The situation is hard and emotional from all angles and for everyone involved. I want to send love and peace their way.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Plan in Pencil

Do any of your ladies remember getting to a point in your marriageable youth when you didn't want to make plans because you didn't know if Mr. Right was around the conner? 'Cause if he was better not switch corners at the last minute. Anyway, for a short while I was almost paralyzed by this thought because it meant so much to me to start a family, and I wanted to do it as soon as possible. But a wise person told me that I had to go on with my life and have a plan. But he said, "Plan in Pencil." Plan. Go full speed ahead, but do it in pencil. You can always change the plan if you need to.

We all know I practiced this preaching when I "planned" on serving a mission, got a mission call, changed the departure date three times and then got marriage instead.

Motherhood is also pretty good practice for this, but it is more about the daily plan. Remember my excitement for Quinn's first day of nursery at church? I picked the outfit, did a test run, talked to her teachers, got the camera ready and was ready to go. But in 18-month-old fashion she was sick with a cough, and the penciled plan was ... postponed. (I was not about to have her get pegged as the nasty, sick, coughing kid on the very first day!)

Pencil. Temporary. It is a nice feeling because you remember that you have a lot of the control over your life. Remember how my husband is in a rock band? We use a lot of pencil. I think I like life this way. When Tim was starting his big corporate job a few years ago, I had a panic attack because I felt like the job and the plan were all in ink. Forever. I hated it. Hence, I added the Chris Merritt clause which changed the plan to pencil. 8 months later... erase.... and here we are.

Tim has been talking about moving to the east coast. I'd love to. Sounds great. But I am going to plan on staying here ... in pencil. I will stay completely invested in the moment, the neighborhood, the job and my very wonderful friends and deal with the east coast if the official erase ever happens. (I liked to try and see him erase without me on board. Good luck, baby.)

Fertility is also all about pencil.

A favorite teacher once said in Winston Churchill fashion, "You have to plan, you have to plan, you have to plan, and you can't do anything without a plan." And like any good scholar, I researched the theory and added to it ... in pencil.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Quinn is Getting so Big!

Quinn turns 18 months and starts Nursery class at church in two days.

So Quinn has started doing all kinds of new things. I never want to forget them. Here is her 18 month update:

Today she found her one Elmo DVD in a pile of Daddy's stuff. She brought it to me and then went over to the TV to try to put it in the stereo since we do not have a DVD player attached to our TV. I put the DVD between two books and started a Tivo'd episode of Sesame Street. She was happy about that.

This morning she was eating a piece of peanut butter toast, but she wanted to be all done eating in her chair and eat the rest of the piece while walking around the house. Well, that is not allowed, so she sat stubbornly in the chair for another half an hour. At one point she was giving me signs that she wanted me to wash her hands. She had the toast in one hand so I washed the other hand. She looked at the clean hand in delight, put the toast in it and handed me the other dirty hand. What could have gone on for hours because it was a very thick spread of peanut butter toast and she was determined to hold it and have clean hands at the same time.

While riding in the car, she makes herself very clear that she wants to listen to music. Yes, ma'am. Will Chris Merritt do the trick?

She has standard to make her opinion clear that she does not like to wear clothes. She often wakes up with no pants on and has a melt down when it is time to put pants on and get ready for the day. After several attempts this morning, I finally just pinned her down and dressed her. She was much nicer after that and even showed me there her shoes were hiding. Not sure what to do about that, but I'll just roll with it.

Of all the foods she has eaten, she has been most consistent with carrots -- she hates them. Since March at least.

She eats bananas whole just like a big kid with the peel hanging down.

She took her first shower the other day. She always takes her baths with daddy, and then she hangs out while he takes a shower at the end of the bath. But this week he set up one of the faucets as a Quinn sized shower, and she totally walked into it and showered.

She is very interested in microphones. But that is a world she will not be able to experiment with at our house. Maybe I should get her an 80's tape player and mini microphone.

Elmo's world always ends the same way. Elmo gathers around the piano with all the stuff and people who have helped him learn that day, and together they sing the "Book" or "Sing" or "Weather" song depending on the theme that day. So if the theme was books then Elmo plays jingle bells on the piano and says the word book for all the lyrics in the song. Anyway, Quinn anticipates this part of the show, and when she thinks it is about time she climbs up on to our piano and waits. When Elmo starts to play, she starts to play. It is great.

Quinn's pretty good about throwing trash away. If I hand her something and say, "Go put that in the trash can" she is on board. The first time she ever put something in the trash it was a bottle, but we broke that habit pretty fast. Now I can say, "All done? Go put your bottle/plate/cup in the sink." She needs some reminding on the way over, but she can do it.

Last night I had the new base player pick up a Pack N Play for me at Wal-Mart because we have never had one. Quinn needed to take one with her to the baby sitter today. When I woke up, I decided to crack it open and make sure everything worked. I got really excited about it, and Quinn followed suit. She gestured that she wanted to get in. I put her in it in the middle of the living room with all her sleeping things. I told her I wanted to take a picture, and she totally understand that she was supposed to test the new crib out. She laid down and giggled and even pretended to sleep. Normally when I pull my camera out, she stops what she is doing and goes for it. But today she understood and she just went with it. I loved it.

Earlier this week, Quinn was watching TV with Tim. He was sitting at the edge of the couch, and she crawled up and straddle him from behind. She just sat there even through she couldn't see. She thought it was funny, so every now and then she would laugh or peek her head around and say hi to him. She's done it to me a few times too.

When it is time for bed, we have a pretty specific routine. Unless she is really tired, we tell her it is bed time and say good night to all kinds of people and things. I place her on her back with her poodle, passey and blanket on top of her handmade poodle blanket from Kate Mac designs, and we cover her up with a Kate Mac designs knock off that was make by Quinn's aunts. I say a prayer over her, and when she picks up on what I am doing, she rolls towards me and folds her arms. When I say, "Amen", she rolls over onto her side and is out like a light. On rough days, we turn on the Mormon Tabernacle Choir on our wait out the door, and we don't hear from Quinny until 4 at the earliest.

She seems to love running around and being chased. And if we are on a bed or a trampoline, she loves to be pushed and grabbed. She laughs so hard. I recently recently at a yoga class where they asked us to think of a moment of perfect happiness. I thought of Quinn laughing on a trampoline with me in Heber the week before. I was shocked at how my body relaxed immediately. Now what is some effect.

She does not need bottles anymore. She only takes one a day. It is at 6 a.m., and I give it to her so I can sleep in. Yesterday we had a baby at our house for a few hours. He had a bottle, and he left about 2 oz. in it. Quinn kept bring him the bottle and looking at him like he was crazy for not wanting the rest. She knew it wasn't hers, but after about a hour, I found her hidden in the corner downing the milk. Smart girl. She handed me the bottle with the look of, "A person only has so much self control, mom."

Quinn is passionate about grapes and horses, but she is not a big fan of thunder. We were on a walk a few days ago when we heard some thunder. She grabbed my leg and asked (with her hands and grunts) if she could get in her stroller and not walk anymore. She also doesn't like the thunder when Count Von Count counts on Sesame Street. Much to my great sadness.

She is OK with hair clips, but hair bows get thrown out the window.

Her feet are too fat for MOST shoes. She's been wearing fake crocs for months. Size seven regular Mary Janes leave marks on the top of her feet. Remember the part where she is only 18 months old. Dear me. No one in my family was blessed with desirable feet.

Quinn is still very passionate about her favorite pink poodle. She also has a grey poodle from Ikea that she sleeps with and carries around. She thinks her other poodles are fun, but they are fun to play with not sleep with. Since she quit the bottle, her passion for her favorite poodles has gotten much stronger, and she throws big fits when I try to put them back in the crib before we leave the house or before mealtimes.

Well, that is 18 months. Ups, downs and all arounds. I'm sure things will get much worse and much better. What an adventure. Happy 18 months, baby girl.

Now that she is 18 months, Quinn starts nursery at church this Sunday. After the first hour of church, we drop her off at nursery for the next two hours for playtime, singing time, class time and snack time. Some kids kind of freak out. We'll see how it goes. I think she is going to do great. I already picked out her first day of nursery outfit, and we did a test run with it last Sunday at Stake Conference. It is a blue jumper with a long sleeve white shirt and tights. I will post pictures because I think this nursery thing is a pretty giant deal. I might bawl my eyes out from now until then.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Clomid Update

Warning to the uncommitted reader: Fertility Update

So, the first round of Clomid was a no go. It gave me hot flashes and no baby. If I am lucky my doctor will give the time of day enough today to prescribe round 2. I'm in no mood to talk about it.

We might have time for a fourth IUI before Tim leaves, but that is left up to the ovary gods.

If we can't get pregnant, Quinn and I are renting a bus and going with Tim. I deserve travel. Don't I? It's the perk of only one baby. Of course, we'd have to get rich first.

To Do List:
Get Pregnant
Get Rich

Sounds each enough on paper.

Monday, September 1, 2008

First Day of Christmas

I plan ahead for a Halloween without my man.

Tim and I love Christmas. We're not scare to admit it. We LOVE it.

So, we have a few special days in the Fall that gear us up for the big birthday. (Jesus', of course.)

First, we have Halloween. I grew up hating Halloween because my mother hates it. We had only one very small box of ghost and goblin decorations, and most of them involved fashioning baby ghosts out of toilet paper or something like unto it. We never got trick-or-treaters because we lived in a neighborhood full of old people. And trick-or-treating was also not so fun because, again, we lived in a neighborhood full of old people ... that was also on a hill. And despite what most people believe, it does get cold in California, and for some reason Halloween was always one of those nights. A windy night can turn a beautiful, rented Princess dress into just a slip under a florescent pink coat very quickly.

But after we got married and moved into our house, it all changed. Halloween became about neighbors coming by and winter coming to stay. We set up some family traditions and decided as a couple that the best part about Halloween is that it is the first day of Christmas. After Halloween the cold comes and the season begins. Soon you get to Thanksgiving which is, of course, our second special day of the Christmas season. We start a count down to Christmas on Thanksgiving and put up our tree and host our first party that very weekend. So in our home we celebrate wintertime and family-time from Oct. 31 until the end of December, and we love it.

So on top of all our traditional emotions for the holiday, this is a big Halloween for us this year because Quinn is old enough to walk around the neighborhood begging for candy that I will, of course, throw away for her. But Tim is going to be on tour for a month before and a month after the First Day of Christmas this year. So, tonight we did what any normal Christmas loving family would do. We planned our Halloween so that he would not feel left out of the fun on the big day.

As our Family Home Evening activity, we looked through a costume catalog for ideas for Quinn. Then we went through her closest and pulled out her Poodle costume from last year and the Kimono Tim brought back from Japan last June. We tried both on her. She hated the poodle. She loved the Kimono. So, there you have it. Our Little Kristie Quinn is going to be a Little Asian Girl for her second Halloween. We are going to put her hair in a ponytail with chop sticks, and she will answer the door for Trick-or-Treaters and pass out fortune cookies and Asian cider.

My parents are coming into town for that weekend, so I will not be lonely. But I am sure I will have to do some convincing to get them on board for the the whole "First Day of Christmas" emotion of the evening. Tim will be on video Skype on the computer for half of the night so he will be able to see Quinn and watch her hand out the cookies.

So now because of a little forethought, the First Day of Christmas 2008 will survive. I better get used to this planning ahead and these kind of "including daddy" activities because I don't think the tours are getting any shorter.

Happy Halloween. Merry Christmas.