Home Invasion ... kind of

We never used to lock our doors. It was just a bad habit. We didn't even have a key to the front door for a long time. Not sure Tim's reason for it, but mine was because I am afraid to lock doors. When I am locking a door, I get freaked out about why we have to lock doors in the first place, and it gets me all scared. Backward? Yes. But that is me.

We changed our mode of operation when Avery moved in because in the heat of that situation, we needed to keep her (and us) especially safe. But I still hate locking the front door. Every time I approach the front door at night I am convinced that as I reach to lock it, someone will push it open and attack me. Ok, also keep this in perspective that I have maternity craziness adding to my fears.

But basically my worst fears came true last night. I think it scared me right out of my fear. Get this:

Last night, Tim fell asleep at 7 p.m. after a long day of watching Quinn. (You can't blame him for that.) I was up until 9 p.m. When I got into bed, of course, I could not sleep.

THEN...

After a few minutes I heard a noise. I thought it sounded like someone touching the front door knob. It really scared me, but I told myself, it is just the craziness talking.

THEN...

I heard another noise as if someone was trying to walk through our house quietly. This scared me even more because of the first noise.

THEN...

I heard a third noise. I knew that none of the noises could actually be in the house because they would have been so much louder if someone were actual in the house. But I remembered that since Tim fell asleep so early, the front door was probably unlocked. I stared to panic, and I was worried I was going to have an actual panic attack if I didn't do something. I pictured this crazy person we know trying to steel Quinn from her bed. My adrenaline was really pumping. I decided to go for.

I walked down the hall in the dark and straight to the front door. I reached for light swtiches in places where we do not have light swtiches. It was still dark when I got to the door. I could barely barely breathe. REMEMBER: THIS IS MY WORST FEAR!

I remember thinking, "Oh my gosh. I can't believe I am about to lock the door before making sure there is not someone in the house." Our door is sticky, so you have to lift the door while you lock it which means you have to stand with your whole body against the door. But did it.

I locked it, and started to run from the door as fast as I could because I was sure someone was about to try to get it.

I didn't get more than 3 feet when I just about died!! Someone started POUNDING on the door.

I jumped and screamed at the top of my lungs in the dead of night.

This caused a chain reaction, and Tim jumped out of bed with the fear of God in him. He was sort of screaming and grunting and breathing really heavy. He started running toward me. I ran to meet him in the hall. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I freaked out. It's nothing. It's nothing."

No matter what I said, he was still in King Kong mode ready to kill the home invader. He said later that when he heard my voice, he woke from a deep sleep and was 100% positive that someone was in the house and that he was going to have to kill that person. That is the energy that was running through him. You could see it in his eyes that this is what he thought and felt. It took over a minute to calm him down. (Quinn was crying in her bed by this point.)

Tim was still a bit pumped up when he swung the door open to see one of his best friends Brandon standing there on the porch scared to death because he heard all the commotion inside and didn't know how to make things right. (After all he had only knocked on a friends door at 9 o'clock at night. Harmless. Little does he know how crazy I am.)

We all took a minute to share our sides of the story, and then we had a good laugh about it over chips and salsa.

I guess Brandon had parked by the garage to drop off Tim's drum set. He walked over to the front door from the side of the house.... which caused all the little noises I heard. When he heard me lock the door, he thought it was someone unlocking the door to greet him. He was planning to just walk in and say hello. He went with the loud knock as a way to say, "Hey everyone, Uncle Brandon's here!", and was greeted by a ton of screaming. We was as scared as we were.

Quinn just seemed annoyed that she got woken up, but she did ask if "Bob, Bob" was ok when I went to tuck her back in.

Tim and I talked about what happen a lot while Brandon was here and after. I was worried he would be mad at me a little for overreacting, waking him up and scaring him so badly , but he said honestly understood and that he would not have expected me to react in any other way. He said he gets up a lot in the night to double check the locks, and if someone had knocked when he was at the door, it would have freaked him out too. On top of that, we had just talked last week about how scared I am of locking the door!

We talked about how amazing the human body is to be able to reaction in such quick ways. Obviously, my flight responce was triggered when the door knocked, and Tim's fight response came in full force. He said he can't imagine how people get mugged and not kill their mugger in the heat of the moment!!

Either way, I think the entire situation made me a bit less scared. I can't imagine going to lock the door in the night again without laughing my head off.

On a much happier note... A Baby Shower!

So, the other night my girlfriends and I were ditching a church activity and talking in the car about everything from make-up to baby names. They all seem to follow at least one stranger's blogs because the person posts all about the amazing crafts they sell and parties they throw... not my style... and they know it ... so we had a good laugh about it. When I told Melissa this morning that I was going to take pictures of the big event I threw for my dear friend Lindsay, she reminded me to BLOG ABOUT IT! So, here is the event ... Jill style ... the successes and the failures!


It started out as a Costco style menu -- easy to do, but kind of price for a one man show. I was off to buy the goods on Thursday, shoes on and all, when I noticed I only had $26 left in my bank account. New plan.

I rewrote the menu pretty fast. Have you ever spent less than $26 at Costco?

I decided to use this poor-woman's chance to decorate with food by making some pretty cakes. I baked for days, and this --Zoloft and all -- is what I came up with.




The colors were light blue and green. Here is the main food table complete with three cakes, pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, chips and salsa (at the new mom's request) and - my personal favorite - ranch dip and veggies.





There were SUPPOSED TO BE 4 cakes. It was supposed to be a circle, two squares and a triangle. As you can see, the triangle didn't survive!!





Rest in Peace my little cake...





On to some successes... my clothes line with onesies turned out much better than the triangle cake.





For the sake of record keeping, here is the punch table. A punch bowl with Country Time lemonade, ice, frozen blueberries, and a few lemon slices.





Already dilated to a 4 1/2 ... Lindsay was ready for the party to start... and end... We've been joking for days that she only needed to keep that baby in until 3 p.m. on Saturday. Isn't she beautiful? Her baby Bennett and my new baby girl will only be a few months apart. We are so excited.





And when all was said and done by 3 p.m. Saturday, Lindsay had seen tons of people she loves, celebrated this new baby, and really collected some cute new stuff. One of my favorite gifts was the blanket in this picture. It was embroidered with "Bennett Roger." It came with burp clothes that said, "Benny." Loved them!

Love Lindsay! Loved throwing her a shower!


P.S. After everyone left, Tim brought Quinn home from their "date." I had suggested he take her to an indoor play place. He made other plans that apparently bored Quinn (A business meeting.) So he let her color all over herself with some highlighters while he finished the meeting. It was everywhere!! But I can't complain because he did the dishes after the shower. You win some! You lose some...


On her shirt! Says Tim: "Well, yeah, I watched her do it. But it was either that of a tantrum." (I was going to get mad, but I let her eat chap stick at Wal-mart on Wednesday to keep her quiet. Oops!)



She managed to get some on the paper ... and all over her hands. At least she's creative. After she added lemon bar goo to the mess on her hands, it was back in the bath.

Antepartum Depression

I posted this entry earlier today, and then I took it off for no real good reason. And then I realized that people with a blog reader were only going to get half of the story if I didn't leave the post up. You all know I am pretty open with my life -- for good, bad, strengths and weakness. So here it is.

So it turns out I am not just a little bit crazy during this pregnancy, I am officially crazy.

After talking to my family and some friends about some really sad and stressful thoughts I've been dealing with in this pregnancy, I finally talked to my doctor about it. My midwives are concerned that I have developed a form of clinical depression known as Antepartum Depression. Most of us have heard of postpartum depression. It gets more press because the safety of the baby is often in jeopardy, but antepartum and postpartum are sort of cut from the same cloth.

It turns out that a lot of people go untreated for this illness because they think they are just pregnant crazy OR because they have experienced depression enough in other times in their life that they think it is normal. It is more easily diagnosed in people who feel completely side swiped by the emotional change... like me.

I did a lot of reading about this, and there are lots of risks to the baby for going untreated such as preterm birth and advanced postpartum depression. Yuk! I don't want that, so I will take my medication with pride.

I know I've told most of you about at least some of my feelings lately. And maybe you already thought, "I think she might be losing it a little."

I'm assuming that this started back in November. I think the stress of my near miscarriage might have created an imbalance of serotonin in my brain. I remember the intensity of the feeling of being told intense feeling from when I was told on the phone that I should come in to the office to confirm that my baby was dead ... twice. I think that was enough to just through things out of whack, and then life happens on top of the main trigger.

Now, I knew that pregnancy could change your thoughts and feelings in a major way. When I was pregnant with Quinn, I think my serotonin levels rose, and I was perfectly content to do nothing all day. That is not me. I like I stay busy. I was in the middle of my master's, and I didn't go into my office for months. I assumed this was the new Jill, and I guess that is that. But Quinn had not been out of me for an hour before I started thinking, "I have to get to the office sometimes next week." Back to normal.

For me a drop in serotonin looks very different. In terms of symptoms, I haven't been sleeping at night. I just stay away worrying about little tiny things that do not matter. As I told my sister, there may be 4 nights in my life that I didn't sleep well, but since November, I've had more nights than not where I was up worrying about something. Then during the day I worry, I stress, I get anxious, nervous, paranoid, and very angry. I have good times and fun times, but there is always a dark cloud. I am crazy sensitive, which adds to the pain and worry. It is just not me.

I've know for a few months that something was wrong. I can talk myself through it quite a bit. I knew it was short term for the pregnancy, and I my brain could tell me that the things I was feeling weren't real -- No body is out to get me. I am not about to get fired. My daughter doesn't hate me and so on, but it couldn't change the feelings and the stress. I knew it would end in a few months. "It's just a hard pregnancy..." blah, blah, blah.

I feel lucky that I have been sane enough lately to know something was wrong, though. Thank God for small favors. And I recently started feeling like there was no way I could make it to June. I thought I didn't have a choice. It is nice to know that I have options.

So, I will be taking Zoloft for the next month to see if there is a change. I'm hoping that I will only have to take the drug for a month because I am not convinced that it is safe for the baby. If I can just reboot my brain a little, I might be able to get through the last two months on my own with help from friends and family. But then again, I want to be as healthy as possible when she gets here, so I can bond properly and all that Jazz. Maybe I'll stay on it.

Depression is not cool. I hope it goes away VERY soon. I have so many wonderful things in my life, and I want to be able to feel them again.

I have no plans to let this get in the way of future baby making. I still consider myself a quiverful Christian who wants an army of little ones at my house. It is just a bump in the road. A really crappy bump that makes me cry really easily, but just a bump none the less.

Pictures of Us -- We Rock!

Well, it has been awhile since I posted any pics, so i went to my iPhoto to choose the best of the more recent.... the most recent was Christmas oops. I haven't been taking a lot of shots lately, and what I have shot is still in the camera. But I went through Christmas and found three of the cutest shots.

This is Quinn and Daddy catching a quick kiss in the hot tub on Christmas Eve!!




Quinn got an "Elmo Live" for Christmas this year. Once she figured it out, she fell in love. She is still and always an Elmo groupie.



Tim and I had a great Christmas, and one of our favorite parts was setting "things" up on Christmas Eve. We've been waiting for 5 years to buy a train that will circle our Christmas tree. We finally got it this year, and we set it up on Christmas Eve so that it was part of the early morning fun. Quinn loved the train almost as much as her Elmo.

I feel very lucky to have my little family. Some days are hard. That is life, but mostly we work together. Right here is where I should praise my husband for being "seriously so great," but let's be real, I am pregnant and crabby, and although it is mostly true that he is great, I would only be saying it to get him own board with the baby names I like. Name saga update to follow soon.

More Baby Names -- Mckenna and Sydney in the race

I am a little crazy about the baby name stuff these days. It won't go away. I think about the baby and her lack of a name all the time, and I even call her "no name" when I refer to her.

And I feel like I am becoming a bit like my mom during this pregnancy. My wonderful mom is the kind of lady who can't fall back asleep in the night because she has something on her mind. That is NOT me. But for now it is, so I need to deal with it. Maybe if we get closer to figuring this out, I can sleep. If not, I'll need more Unisome, which would work as a sleep aid but clearly not as a name for my baby girl.

Eden has fallen out of favor in my head. I am not sure where that came from, but it is basically gone. I think.

We've been talking a lot about Sydney. I LOVE this name, and so does Tim. But it has the same problem that Avery has. It is getting too popular. We would use Avery for our baby's main name in a heart beat if it was still as rare as it was when Jan and Don named Avery Fellow (I). But it is not anymore. It is right there on the list at about the Top 30 to 40 in the country, right next to Sydney.

Last night, I put in my very nice suggestions of Taylor and Kennedy again. And Tim said, "Ah, no way. Never." And Kennedy, "Ah, no way. Never." Sadness. Resentment. But OK. I surrender. For now.

My sister-in-law is pretty tricky with her names. She just picks one and talks about it as the baby's name for 5 months, and Owen just wears down. I used to be against this method, but I think it is growing on me. She also -- for Hadyn -- used the method of teaching her older daughter that Hadyn was, in fact, the name. Taryn said it so often that is just became common place.

I ask Quinn everyday what she wants to name the baby. She has no response, (but sometimes she pokes my boob after I ask because she thinks that is wear her baby is.)

This morning I randomly fell in love with the name McKenna. I can't remember how it happen. But it is only 8:19 and I have already searched for name frequency online, looked it up in the name book, and blogged about it. I think I love it. It is popular. But it is going down in popularity, so my daughter will probably not have too many in her class with it. The baby name warns that there are so many variations of this name that the actual name I like, "McKenna" might not end up on a top 100 list, but if I combine all the "sounds like" names it would be #1. I'm not sure I care. I love it. Tim is not sure. I'll use the Katie method a little and get back to you.

So, the latest update (according to me and my list) is:

1) Avery Mckenna

2) Avery Mae (to be called Avery or to be called Mae)

3) Avery Elizabeth (to be called Lizza)

4) Lucy MacAllister (to be called Lucy and Lucy Mac after Lucy Mack, who was Joseph Smith's mother)

5) Sydney (middle or first name to be decided.)


P.S. How cute is Quinn and Mckenna together? Sounds great


P.P.S. Quinn gets dilerious while she watches Elmo, and she sometimes leans and rubs up to things or puts her head on things. Right now she is rubbing her head on my big toe nail. SO Odd.

Training Update

So, I have hit a few snares in my training plans for the 3 day (60 mile) breast cancer walk.

The first issue is that it is really cold, so I have to train at the gym. But Quinn spends 20 hours at day care each week now that Tim and I both work. So, I feel really guilty when I take one of our free afternoons together and drag her to the playroom at the gym. (Plus, it is kind of gross there, and she cries.)

But when I do decide to go for it, I run into some other issues. Picture this (perhaps as if you are watching and even laughing from across the gym). I get Quinn to play nice at the play room, dry her tears and head to a treadmill. I push the "Quick start" button, which actually starts at a treadmill speed of .4 and then I slowly start pushing the increase speed button until I reach the very comfortable speed of .....2.5!!! It probably looks like slow motion to some onlookers.

Soon I open my abnormal psychology textbook and place it on the book tray to start reading. I have a pink highlighter in one hand and a blue one and a pen in the water holder just in case. Within about a minute and one paragraph, I get a side ache. Pregnancy side aches are weird, mine have to do with pressure from the baby. So, I do what any woman who just went through all that trouble would do, and I switch the highlighter to the other hand and hold my side and the side of my belly up with my own hand to relieve the pressure.

And for some reason it helps to use the opposite hand from the side that hurts. It looks like a pretzel, but it works. Still walking. Sill reading. Pink highlighter in the air.

After about 30 minutes one of a few possible things happens.

1) A person from the playroom comes to tell me that Quinn has poop. I have no diapers because I am losing my mind. We go home.

2) A sweaty gross fat man chooses the treadmill next to mine. He sprints for 60 seconds and then walks for 5 minutes over and over again. The choking noises he makes after he finishes his sprint make we throw up. Too much trouble to switch machines. We go home.

3) I get a side ache on the other side. I have to put the pick highlighter down. I have both arms wrapped around myself. I feel ridiculous, and it is not helping. We go home.

Good news: It is getting warmer, and one day last weekend. Quinn and I walked with the BOB stroller outside. It starting snowing the next day, but at least I got outside one. I just need to bundle up and be gutsy about it because I am not Quitting.

Donate to breast cancer research at: my personal page at the3day.org