Owner of the Band

My Crazy Quinn and the Fit of Jan 29th

2012-01-30T16:03:00.000-08:00

Oh dear! As sweet as Quinn is, she is also a little crazy person. Some of her craziness is good and creative and some of it is mean and destructive. It is a tricky balance. For example she is so creative. She tapes toys and papers to the walls all over the house; she makes sculptures out of furniture; and takes anything that can be tied and ties it to anything that can have something tied to it. I find computer cords tied in knots and toilet paper tied into bows attached to door handles. I find any decoration in our house redecorated … like today I found a sun shade from a toy stroller sticking out of a vase with something tied to it and draped over to the next vase. When we got to Grammy’s house last week, Quinn walked straight into the living room and quietly put the end tables on TOP of the table and made a “house for her kitty.” (I was actually really impressed that Grammy let this craziness go on for a whole day before finding scratches on her table and calling off the show.) Quinn is passionate and fun. But … don’t piss her off.

Her most recent passion is for a show called Dragon Tales. She just loves it so much. She gets this lit up smile when she talks about it. I can tell that it really does mean a lot to her. And hey, since I have shows I love, I don’t see any harm it in. I think the show teaches a lot of good principles, so go for it, Kid. However, when she can’t have it, she will occasionally hit the fan. Tonight our internet was going in and out, and so the Netflix wasn’t really working. I told the girls we would have to turn on a show we own from iTunes instead – We don’t have any Dragon Tails on the iPad. Quinn crumbled to the ground in despair. She could not even hear me offer to buy a few episodes of Dragon Tales for tonight and for next time. But then she quieted down, heard me, and got excited … oops, they don’t sell Dragon Tales on iTunes. Oh Dear. It was OVER. Then – God forbid – I gave her a choice about whether we would watch Backyardigans or Blue’s Clues since Dragon Tales was not an option. She refused to decide. So I decided. I decided wrong and several minutes, screams and lash-outs later, she was banished to her room for the night (kindly tucked in by her daddy.) She had completely freaked. Here is how it went down. First, I gave her a timeout for the screaming, and she continue to scream at the top of her lungs. She wouldn’t stop. I tried to take her to her room. She went dead fish on me, and I dropped her a few times. Oops. She was screaming and yelling, and telling me I was hurting her even when I was not touching her. Then while “we” were going down stairs, she started kicking and screaming and she threw her arms behind her with her claws out to scratch my face. (Don’t be confused. We are still talking about a 4-year-old little human girl here.) I screamed “Do not do that to me” while looking in her eyes, so she would know I was serious. Then, I put her in her room, and she proceeded to scream. So then – here is where it gets good -- she yelled with much passion, “If you do not let me watch a show, I will get up in the night when you are sleeping and take an iPad and watch a show all by myself.” See … she’s a bit creepy.

But it is hard to stay mad (or scared) for long. After Tim went down to her room, she calmed down pretty quickly. When I went down to put Kenna to bed a bit later, I peaked in on her, and she was all cozy in bed with a smile. I sat with her and asked how she was feeling. She said she was still said because she did not get to watch a show. But then she laughed at the baby, who was in my arms, and we talked about other things instead of the show. I said I was sorry for yelling, but that is never OK to hit mommy. She nodded her head in agreement. Then we sat together and sang some songs … some from Dragon Tales, of course, some from her music class, and some from church. She was remembering parts of the songs in music class that neither of us can ever remember. She even pulled out a little harmony. I was so proud of her, and she was proud of herself, which is really important to me. Then we sang all of “As A Child of God,” which is a new song from church that talks about how God has given us the holy ghost, our lives and our families, and we can use all of these things to make good choice and be happy. It is really a very pretty song. “I feel so safe and happy because such feelings of peace come from family love. As a Child of God I receive special light. The holy ghost tells me to know what is right.” I felt a lot of peace when I left her room. A little scared that she might be up in the night doing things she is not supposed to do … but mostly peace and gratitude that together we are learning and growing and doing all we can. I love her passion. I love that her mind is wide open and that she loves to learn and try things out. I even love that she tapes crap to my walls. She loves tape, and I love her.

Micah's Mom and my ramblings about love and pain

2012-01-18T19:44:00.001-08:00

This week a young woman in our neighborhood took her own life. She was beautiful and talented and depressed. At the funeral this morning her family painted the picture of a compassionate soul, tortured by just too many complications -- depression, anxiety, abuse, adoption, race, and pain. I cried and cried and cried.

Her name was Micah, and I was her teacher at church when she was 13; She was mean to me. She was mean to the other girls in class, and when I asked the women in charge of all the girls that age what I should do about it, she talked to Micah's mother and came back to me with a beautiful other side of the story. She said that at home Micah was a peace maker. She was compassionate and giving.

At home she was kind, and she was her mom's best friend. But at church and at school ... she was somebody else.

I never forgot hearing that story. I used to look at Micah and try to see both sides. I believed that story. I knew it was true. I didn't just "get it" and become the perfect teacher who knew what to do with a young woman who was, well, "Prickly" as one of her brothers described her outside persona today at the funeral. But I did try to worry less about her behavior and look for more ways to love her. I, vaguely, remember writing Micah a nice letter just before I was moved out of Young Women's. I don't remember what it said, but I would not have written it if I had not meant it. I knew I did not do perfectly by Micah, but I did, for that time in my life, do the best I could. I never quite figured out how to find balance with my pride, my compassion and my fear. Soon after that letter, I moved on to work with the toddlers in the church nursery, and I only occasionally ran into Micah. We never had conversations, and we only sometimes smiled. Sometimes Micah obliged Quinn during church when we would sit in front of her family and Quinn would turn around to make faces with her or play peek-a-boo. And one time Micah told me after church that I had really cute kids.

I was not at church on the Sunday that Micah's father spoke in church about how they had taken Micah to either a treatment facility or a boarding school; I never got the details. I guess I thought everything would just get better, and I would never need to know.

Why was I not compelled to do more? I am not looking for comfort here. I am actually asking and wondering. I don't think I could have made much of a difference in the long run, but I could have made a difference in a day here or a day there. Looking back it seems so obvious that if I knew that she was a sweat heart at home and mean at church, that clearly she was in pain and needed love ... from me ... from everyone. Why was my heart not compelled to do more?

If I understand the teachings of Jesus, the simple, beautiful teachings of Jesus, what makes it so hard to reach out? What makes it so hard to love? The answer seems so simple to me now. I could have just shown up at Micah's house every day with cookies? Even if she hated cookies, she would have gotten the message. But the thought never crossed my mind. It wasn't that I didn't have enough time. I just never thought to do it, and that makes me sad.

But I guess the idea of turning the other cheek seems like such a great idea ... until you actually feel the hit and feel like if you show me your other cheek, you will actually get hit again. It is just not as simple as it sounds. Nothing is as simple as it sounds. What was I scared of? It seems so silly now.

Deep down we know that if we love others, turn the other cheek, walk a mile in someone's shoes, judge not, have compassion -- deep down -- we know that if we do these things, everyone will feel better. But they are the great teachings of the world because they are enlightened, they are hard, and they take practice.

I don't feel guilty, but my eyes are open. Maybe next time, I will be more aware. Maybe I will give of myself more. When I draw a picture of myself, I am the person who does things, who makes a difference. Makes me sad that sometimes I am, in fact, not that person.

My heart is so heavy with Micah's pain. It is not about me or what I did or did not do. It is about Micah and the horrible weight she bore in life. My heart continues to break.

And when I think about her mother, I start to bawl and bawl. She was the woman who knew the truth. She knew both sides and carried that weight. She was the the woman entrusted with such a sensitive soul. The woman who gave everything she had. The world changes and takes on new meaning, pain changes and takes on new meaning, when you are a mother. Who cares about balance and discipline and teaching your children? Today I just want to hug and squeeze and cry. I cry for Micah. I cry for her mom. And I cry for those darn principles of Jesus that are so simple and so beautiful and just so hard.

Mermaid Food

2011-10-11T17:48:00.001-07:00

I realize I still have a few readers, so here it goes ... a quick and favorite meal for you.

Tim and I used to buy the pork potstickers at Costco. We really loved them. But the healthier we eat, the heavier those potstickers weighed on our tummies, and we really couldn't eat them anymore. We just felt sick after we finished every time.

But a few months ago, I noticed that Costco had a new potsticker. This one is called a Gyoza Japanese Potsticker. It is much lighter on the tummy. One night I wanted to eat them, but I did not want to make two meals. I told the girls we were going to eat sea shells for dinner. When they asked for more information, I told them it was, "Mermaid Food." They totally ate it, I got to eat something yummy WITH them, and they tried something NEW!

Here is the quick play by play and why this is the fastest real food ever.

1) Grab the rice cooker and add 1 cup of rice (1 cups if just mom and kids. 2 cups if the man is joining you.).

2) Add 2 cups of water in the blender. (More water if the rice is brown)

3) Throw ANY veggies that you might have in the freezer or on the counter into the blender with the water. I have a bag of frozen veggies for Asian stir fry, and I add about a small bowls' worth. No prep. Straight from the bag. If your blender is crappy, just microwave for 2 minutes before adding to the blender.

4) Pulse the blender. You should be able to see specs of the all the colors of foods you put in. Do not puree for this meal.

5) Pour the water with veggie slivers into the rice cooker, and turn the rice cooker on.

6) Grab a 12 pack of Gyoza from the freezer. Open the pack and drop the frozen block of gyoza onto the a frying pan. Turn on medium heat and put the lid on.

7) Get the plates and drinks ready, and put the flavor pack for the potstickers in the microwave for 8 secs -- no longer.

8) Do a quick clean up of toys and crap.

9) Remind the kids that they get to eat Sea Shells for dinner tonight!

10) When the rice is done, put a small scoop of rice on each plate. Add 2 Sea Shells and dribble a little sauce on each plate.

11) DONE!!

This is a picture of Quinn's plate. This was the plate AFTER I put her seconds on it. And you can see she is abut to got at it with her spoon. She wouldn't even put it down for the picture. Healthy and Happy. This potsticker is extra well done on one side because Quinn and I like it this way. The first time, you should keep things white like sea shells.

Enjoy!!

2011-10-03T15:24:00.001-07:00

Altamont -- upalco

3 day Potty Training: Day 3

2011-09-14T20:20:00.000-07:00

Dear me. So tired. But pretty much, we made major headway over these three days. Kenna held her pee all morning and then peed on me while I was trying to catch a quick nap on the floor (What? I know. I know.) Then I think she was fine for a few trips to the potty, and then she pooped her panties at naps. Poor thing has been begging for a diaper to poop in. And familiarity of that crib did her in. Panties in the trash. So poop is still an issue since that is the only time she went for the whole 3 days. (I didn't give her extra fiber, which I was supposed to do because I didn't have time to head to a store and because I am lazy.)

Then after nap time, Kenna spend the afternoon with her baby sitter, and she had NO accidents. Just ran in there whenever she had to go. No big deal. What? She even called for me from her crib after bed time (with a pull up on) and she made it to the bathroom without getting the pull up wet. Wow. She rocks. So, now we'll have to deal with the big potty and having to go potty out and about. A little nervous because I know she will just hold it, and that makes we so sad for her.

So, I guess that is the end of that for now, friend.

3 Day Potty Training: Day 2

2011-09-13T10:58:00.001-07:00

I guess you could say that we are half way done. AMEN!! How did I ever do this pregnant? I was probably too tired being pregnant that I didn't notice that added tiredness. Not a bad idea to do it when you are already miserable and a little maternal.

So I was up several times in the night. I changed her panties and bedding a few times, and then I got sick to my stomach (unrelated) and could not bare to get any less sleep. I went down and put a pull up on her. THIS IS TOTALLY NOT ALLOWED IN THE THREE DAY METHOD. But I had a few reasons. Mostly it was because I was sick and second it was because she never got on board yesterday. She does not want to use the potty. She totally can, but she does not want to. She was calling for me in the night saying she needed to go potty, but she did not need to or had no intention of actually doing it. I couldn't handle it. Plus since Quinn is still in pull ups, I have not inspiration for believing night time potty training is ever even possible. My faith is weak.

So, she woke up at 7:30 with a fairly dry pull up. I pumped her with fluids and breakfast, and she held it until 10:22 a.m. She played with the potty a little before that but was not serious. Then she asked for me to change her bum (put on a diaper) and then I took her to the potty. Basically she sat on it and peed with a teenage-face like, "Fine, whatever ... crazy." I praised her, and she enjoyed the praise for today than yesterday. I gave her a candy stick with a Raggedy Andy finger puppet on it. She ate the candy outside. Played, rode bikes, ate salad and then decided she wanted to pee at the same time as me. So she sat and I sat (because I always have to go). I went and finished, and then she was still sitting. Then she said I should sit again, and I said no because I was done. She gave me a strange look, and she peed in the potty. I took my cue and sent her to bed for a nap so I would have a few minutes on the couch before work. Nice.

Baby is asleep. Quinn and daddy are almost home from the cabin, and Kenna is playing in her bed in the same panties we put on when she woke up. I have never been this tired in my life, and I will be avoiding milk and cookies for a very long time since they were most likely the root of my very ill night.

7:05 p.m.
I might die. The rest of the day went pretty well in terms of potty training. During her nap Kenna yelled, "mommy, the pee-pees coming!!" I ran and got her, and she totally peed in the potty. Dry panties and everything. I put her back in her bed and then later went and got her up early since she was not sleeping. Really cool success, I thought. Then after naps she held her pee for several hours. At 3:40, I had sort of lost steam and thought maybe she was trained and ready. Then she peed on me and the carpet while playing with my phone. An hour later she mentioned diapers and I took her to the potty. She pee-peed!! Yay! Then she went pee at least one more time before bed. I made it a new rule in our house that you have to pee before I turn on the last show of the night. Quinn needs this too.

Of course, at about this point I start yelling at everyone. Quinn was in a really mean mood today, and I just could not take it. So much whining and crying. Then I asked her nicely to go out of the bathroom while Kenna tried to poop, and she of course came in and started screaming and crying ... no poop. I was so angry. I started yelling and threatening an early bed time. I really do not like it when I lose my cool, but I can only be treated like crap so long before I just lose it. But I got Kenna down for bed -- in a pullup -- pretty early so Quinn and I should have some time to talk about it. And on a happy note: Lizza is about the sweetest baby on earth. No complaints. A little guilt. But no complaints. Such a sweetie. Slept like a rock start this afternoon when there was a lot going on and gives me the prettiest smiles like I am the queen of the world. Love it!

Poor Kenna is dying to get out of the house. She loves a store just like I do. Keeps asking if we can go in the car and go to the store. I feel you, sister. Me too.

3 day Potty Training: Day 1

2011-09-12T12:23:00.000-07:00

When Quinn was 2 years and 3 months old, I was 8 months pregnant and needing something to do on maternity leave. Why under do what you can over do, so I started Potty Training. I used the 3 day method from Lora Jensen in Lehi at 3DayPottyTraining.com. I really loved elements of this program, and Quinn and I had a really great experience. The method revolves around spending 3 solid days at arms length from your little one, and I loved what it taught me about my daughter.

So, here we go: round 2. Kenna has been taking off her diapers ALL the time and causing all kinds of crazy messes. So, it's time. Tim took Quinn to the cabin this morning for about 40 hours so I can have the first day and a half with Kenna mostly to myself. I was really excited to spend this time with Kenna ... until about 10 minutes in ... :) Not as in it to win it as I thought. So sue me. But I'm doing it.

Tim and Quinn left at around 9 a.m., and with 3 or 4 full sippy cups of juice and milk in her, it still took Kenna until 10:30 to go pee. Plants were practically growing under Quinn with 10 minutes when she did this. I had only had to come up with 1 activity in which I could watch her dry leggies because the action began and the training started. But with Kenna this took a lot of coloring, dancing, singing, making cup cakes, mixing juice, doing make up and painting nails. I was pooped before the pee-pee even made an entrance/exit. But the very first time she peed in her panties, she yelled, "oh, no, the pee-pee's coming," which is a pretty good sign that she knows how to do this. But she didn't get any in the potty, and she looked totally distraught and also quite ready for a fight -- against me. :)

Next time (10 mins) she got a little in the potty and was not interested in celebrating, and then 10 minutes later she finally told me she had to pee-pee and made it to the potty. Then she started getting really mad, asking for her diapers, and then peeing all over the house because she does not want to go in the potty even when she knows it is time. I kind of remember this with Quinn too. Kenna started sort of hiding around corners or walking on to the carpet, but then she pees, cries, and asks for a diaper. Part of this method is to throw out the diapers right after she put on her first panties. So, I just nicely tell her that the diapers are all gone because she doesn't need them anymore. She was pretty upset for a few accidents (as all the juice kicked in,) but then right before she napped she had an accident that seemed hopeful. She seemed pretty ok with the process. Right now she is singing to her self and doing downward dog in dry panties in her crib. We shall see. I am so sleepy, but I am in it to win it.

Seems like Kenna knows a lot more about the world than Quinn did at 2 years and 3 months. Quinn had huge language development during our 3 days together, but Kenna pretty much has a full vocabulary and can give commands and requests no problem. I don't think Quinn had a lot to say about her diapers when I did this with her, but Kenna seems to understand exactly what it feels like to pee and has decided that she does not want to do it in the potty. Different challenge. Quinn couldn't hold it, and again I declare that Kenna is in this for the win. Her win ... not our win.

One other difference is that I prepped for several days to do this with Quinn and spent about $60 on panties and rewards. Poor Kenna is stuck with some discount candy from the hall closet and a pack of too-big princess panties that we accidentally bought 2 of for Quinn once upon a time.

I am listening to her on the monitor. I wonder that she will say to herself in private if/when she has an accident in her bed.

10:17
Could not take time to write about the rest of the day right when Kenna went to bed because I knew I had a lot of doing nothing to catch up on before bed. Both Kenna and Lizza were down for the night before 7:30, which was a miracle. But basically this is what happen after naps.

Kenna never fell asleep. She talked and played in her bed for at least 90 minutes. Once or twice I walked in there to remind her about her panties and see if she was wet. No Pee. I had the monitor up and on, and I was listening in case she talked about Pee. I wanted to be right down there. Finally she said, "Mommy, pee-pee is coming." I ran down there. it looked like she was moving her panties out of the way. I grabbed her and ran up the stairs. She peed on my, but not much. Nothing in the potty. She was up and happy, and NEVER PEED IN THE POTTY THE REST OF THE DAY. She would just get silly on the potty, but she never went. When she really had to go she would just basically break my heart by talking about how she wants her diapers back. She even once pulled the potty chair out of the bathroom and told me she was giving it back. She would hold it for so long and be in pain, and she she would sort of look at me whimper and then pee with this sad but resigned face. It broke my heart. So, she only peed in the potty one and a half times today. But tonight I read the much more thorough account of this experience with Quinn, and she went through some of this and worse and some how (8 months pregnant) I stayed really positive. Kenna does a lot of pretending she had to go. Runs to the potty. Sits, Stands and then pees on the floor just outside the door. Sounds a lot like Quinn's experience. Not sure what to make of night time. Quinn is still not night time potty trained so it seems crazy to do it with Kenna. But seriously my life flashes before my eyes, and I really do not want two sets of full and completely gross pullups that I have to find every morning because Quinn/ Kenna would rather ride them than walk upstairs to throw them in the garage. Seriously? Worst part of my life.

Tonight after a new false alarms to go pee, I finally told Kenna good night and ignored her cries (which were not pee related). She passed out after like 10 minutes. I went down 2 hours later, and she was wet. I changed the panties, but I did not bring her to the bathroom.

Not sure what my game plan is for tomorrow. At least after reading Quinn's story, I know it is possible, and that I need to keep it up. Today I was feeling like the wicked witch of the west even as I only used nice words all day (except for when she wrote on the walls with chalk after I told her not to ... time out.)

"What's Gonna Work -- Teamwork!" -- The Wonder Pets

2011-09-06T21:05:00.000-07:00

Of all the highs and lows of owning a second home/cabin/whatever the -- sort of strange -- high is that my sweet husband -- for some reason -- wakes up with me and sits with me while I feed the baby when we are at the cabin. Really? I know. Strange and adorable, right? But I think it is evidence that the cabin might in deed solve the problem that we saw coming down the pipe, which was that we are both so independent that it was becoming easy to just not need each other. (That on top of all the other problems I have like not truly understanding the meaning of life, not really loving (or not hating) to be outside, and organizing my days to give me more breaks from the little children that I profess to love so dearly.)

But now I find myself with an audience at 2 a.m., and I just might decide I like it better that way. As much as I like my space, when we get back from the cabin I miss everyone ... and especially my man. And on top of that, my shows seems less important, and the laundry doesn't seem so vast. But spiders do go back to being freaky ... and dead.

That's enough typing: Is Tim home yet?

Cabin #1

2011-08-30T22:36:00.001-07:00

We spent our first night in our new cabin!

Of course a few things wrong that I totally knew would go wrong and told Tim would go wrong did go wrong, but mostly we had a nice time. Mostly we got a lot of time together that we would not have normally have spent together. I think in the end that will be what this cabin is all about for us.

But wow we did have some moments ... some "Give it back to it's rightful owners" moments and some "I would not trade this for the world" moments.

For starters, we knew a broken toilet pipe needed fixing upon arrival. So I filled up the water bottles and used the bathroom about an hour in to the 2 hour drive so we would not need to turn the water on right away when we got there. A few minutes passed right away turned into 2 or 3 hours, big bladders, and thirsty AND hungry children (didn't bring snacks, just meals to cook with water, like an idiot). An the end we fixed it -- just enough to turn it on and watch it leak while we cleaned some dishes and filled some cups. Yikes. I never want to hear, "I want water," from my 2 year old ever again without being able to do something about it.

That said, since the toilet never returned to fully glory, the porti-potty got to fulfill the measure of its creation. And it turns out, when an outhouse is YOURS (left by previous owner) it really isn't that bad. I got to have the camping feeling for about 30 seconds as I used the flashlight in the night to get to the throne. Just different enough adventure to be fun ... short term. But oddly enough I was almost delighted to find a much older and more nature-looking second actual outhouse on the far edge of the property. Who'd a thought?

The stars were amazing. We let Quinn stay up to see some, and then we pulled out our new, nerdy reclining camping chairs to watch together once it got really dark. I saw one shooter out of the corner of my eye -- which actually kind of made me miss my "real/old/original" life because it reminded me of a moment walking on Rat Beach at night and seeing my very first shooting star in high school. Oh, well, I guess I get dirty now and hike and stuff. New life is nice too.

The girls slept great, but relocating a routine for bedtime and all other life events can be tricky. And I feel like I had to yell at them a lot (nicely) to get them to not walk off cliffs or pick up rat poison. It is all going to take some getting used to for all of us. (Nervous laugh)

I was feeling a little grumpy about the purchase for a few minutes (hours) in a sleepless part of my night. But then I was totally blown away when I opened my eyes in the morning and with my head still on the pillow, the most colorful and beautiful sunrise was staring me right in the face from the loft balcony. And for some reason the energy I got from that moment transformed me into a woman who jumped out of bed and delightedly started frying up eggs and toast (with a skillet she cleaned with a wet wipe) while she thought, "Now when will those sweet children get out of bed and meet the morning?"

I loved our family walk (1/4 mile) at 8 a.m. to the meadow on the back of the property, and I loved losing some of my fear of getting lost on our land by sufficiently learning how to use the map and GPS on my phone. Also loved how much peace I felt when I realized we are TOTALLY going to buy little GPS/ lo-jack ankle bracelets so none of my angels get lost in the land down under. Peace of mind!! Wahoo!!

It was so fun to watch the girls climb on rocks and scale terrain that to a 4 or 2 year old body could only be described as mountains. I also loved that I stopped myself from saying, "Don't put your hands in the dirt," and instead said, "Is it fun to play in the dirt?" Quinn said, "You mean, 'the sand'?" And it all made sense, and we took "Buy a Sand Box" off the to-do list for the cabin because clearly the whole valley was a sand box to them.

We decided on a place to put an awesome swing set, and we made more lists of things to buy to make this whole experience feel more like ours (mine). Now, of course, some items on the list like "install an observatory" are based on the "make millions in the next 10 year" life scenario. However, "buy sticks for roasting marshmallow at Wal-Mart" might actually happen by October. Nice.

So, I have my doubts, and I have my excitements. And if that is not life, than I am not sure what is.

Headed up again on Sunday. You coming?

Location, Location, Location

2011-08-30T19:05:00.000-07:00

I thought I was a horrible mom because I really hated reading books to my children. Mostly I hated it physically. I hated sitting on the floor in the girls' room. I hated people sitting in my lap while I was trying to read the pages to a bunch of books I didn't like. Long story short. I hated reading to my kids.

So I stopped.

I can't remember when, but I stopped.

Turns out it was only half my fault. Turns out my body has hurt for 20 years because of this candida thing, which basically made most things that did not involve sitting comfortably on a couch at least a little painful for me. (dishes, cooking, standing, waiting ...).

So turns out I don't hate reading with my children. I love it.

My body doesn't hurt the way it used to AND I moved story time to my comfy couch. Call it a cocktail of solutions, but it worked. After "last show of the night," I take Kenna to bed, and then I come up stairs and read with Quinn. She says, "Can we read 2?" And I'm like, "Sure, how about 4?"

I've got my comfy couch and vastly healed body and new schedule and attitude and soon ....

NEW BOOKS. (10 of them coming next week via Amazon.)

Bed Time and lots of Times

2011-08-26T19:41:00.000-07:00

Since the new school year is about to start and since I love my newly painted kitchen and since we want to spend all our free time at the cabin and all sorts of other reasons, I decided that our family needs a schedule. Maybe sleeping in until 9:30 a.m. is not so great when one or all of us has to be somewhere at 10 a.m. I recently started to notice all these flaws in my go with the flow plan. Mostly the flaws were related to Quinn screaming and yelling at me all the time especially if I said something like, "Ok, time to clean up/ go home/ go to bed/ have family prayer." I thought maybe if she got in the habit of doing the same things everyday, then suddenly the idea of chores, making beds, brushing teeth, sleeping, or doing her music practice would start to seem like a way of life ....

I know, I know ... BRAND NEW IDEA. Ha, ha. I get that I am late on the uptake here.

That said, life is working out great.

I love our schedule. I don't feel cheated when I wake up or get woken up early because I know what is coming next, and I am in it to win it. My favorite parts of the day so far are morning family scriptures at 9 a.m. and a very fast and fun toy pick up at 7 p.m. LOVE IT! I also notice Quinn asking more about what is happening next. I think she likes it. Who would have thought that a scheduled 15 minutes of reading together after Kenna goes to bed would solve all our nighttime nightmares. Tonight after asking only one time if I would lay with her (answer is No 99 percent of the time) she moaned, "Ok, good-bye mom."

Loved it!

And hence ....

TIME TO BLOG.

Amazing.

P.S. Quite the unexpected twist. I assumed that family scripture study would be a daily event in name only for the next several years. Not so, today I was moved to tears by 1 of the 3 verses we were able to read as we squeezed in scripture time on my way to spend another $700 on my car. Mosiah 2:3. Loved the idea that commandments and rules are given to us (by God) and to our children (by God and us) with the end goal to fill our lives with happiness. I think of the Joy I have seen in my children with week with a little more structure, and I am grateful to have a Heavenly Father who knows what will make us happy and then gives us guidelines and principles to help us get closer to the mark. Families and kindness (which are basically at the root of all Gospel) are ideas that bring happiness. God wants us to be happy. Wonderful. Amen. On to the car dealership!!!

First Talk -- What the heck is going on?

2011-08-21T13:02:00.000-07:00

Let's start from the beginning. At our church, children from ages 3 to 8 meet together in a class called Junior Primary. There are at least 30 children with about 10 adult leaders in our ward's junior Primary. Quinn was asked to give a talk or a little lesson about a gospel topic in her Junior Primary today. This is very new for Quinn since it was her first time. News Flash: It was new to me too since I have never been a primary child.

So here is the bigger, deeper issue that underlies all the emotions of this day -- Living vicariously through your children can be tricky. It is a complicated concept, really. It is not like I am dressing her up in fake eyelashes and whipping her down a runway in search of my own star-studded youth. But I do love to be a part of every detail of her life. And I want her to be awesome. And I want her to have fun. And I want her to be proud and smart and happy. And at the same time ... I want to be all of these things too. So there you have it .... living vicariously through your children can be tricky.

But maybe I am not living vicariously. I think maybe I just love my kids -- Quinn, in the case of this story -- so much I want to die. That love is so intense that I can hardly separate her from me. I can hardly feel the difference between her pain and my pain. Her successes feel like they are mine, and her failures are so incredibly sad to me that it makes me want to die.

That said, I think it is all too easy for my fears to become her fears. Since she is quiet and doesn't love to share her feelings, how can I not just assume that she fears what I fear or that she would love what I love? Again, this is all very tricky, and it just might be why most woman I know have a love/ hate relationship with their mother.

But I digress.

The topic given to Quinn was "The Word of Wisdom." This is the gospel principle that teaches Mormons not to drink and smoke or drink coffee and tea. There are some other important ideas involved, but that is the gist.

She yesterday we sat down with Quinn and asked her about the Word of Wisdom. She wanted to talk about her Grandpa John's little coffee cups that she said are "so cuties." She also remembered the smell of cigarettes in Las Vegas, and she remembered that healthy foods help our bodies be strong and healthy. I felt like our talk with her on the topic was lesson enough, and I was grateful for the good experience and resigned for whatever happen at church the next day. I wrote her little talk based on what she told me and based on the elements of the principle that we most value in our home -- finding happiness, being healthy, living with faith.

She didn't want to practice.

Deep breath. That is fine. We'll try later, and after a lot of patience and love, she and I sat and talked after Kenna went to bed and we practice me whispering her talk in her ear while she said the words nice and loud to the "crowd." A lot of families teach kids to pray this way, but we don't tell them what to say when they pray so this whispering thing was new to her.

So we were ready.

I was excited. She didn't seem to care. I figured. I would be nervous and excited, and everything would go fine and I would beam with pride and she wouldn't care and we would go on with our Sunday.

When we got up to the microphone, she gave me this look, and I knew it was over. She was not going to do this. Not one word. Not for one second. I was sad. Did I want this for her? or Did I want this for me? I talked to her for a few minutes, and she just kept saying no. So, then i didn't know what to do. Should I read the talk for her? Should we just sit down? What was the purpose? Was it to teach the other kids in the class or to teach Quinn to teach and talk and feel good about herself? What is the consequence when she is in high school and gets to a microphone and won't talk. I was clearly taking things too far in my head. But the truth was that I had never really paid attention to how other parents reacted to this problem BECAUSE OF COURSE I HAD NO INTENTION OF THIS EVER HAPPENING TO ME/MY CHILD. Oops. I decided that putting words in her head to say is different than actually saying them for her, and I decided we would just sit down. So, I wanted to cry for my girl or for me (I can't remember, which one), and I smiled and her and said, "Ok." She went to her seat with her class, and I went to my seat with mine.

A mom in the room caught my attention and game me the most beautiful look and said, "It was good." That mom understood. My child and I -- at least me and this child -- are connected. Her pain is my pain. There is no way around it. I am just not old enough to know what I am doing. I am not real enough or big enough to soak it all in and be calm, cool and collected. But I tried.

Later a leader from the front came and asked me if Quinn would want to try again. This was genius. Quinn usually did better in round 2. She leader walked over and asked her, and I saw Quinn nod, "Yes." I assumed that question she nodded too was, "Do you want to try again when you are 12?" But I guess she actually said she would try again today. And the leader said she would go up with her and help her read her talk. Again, genius.

So, the time came, she walked up with the leader, she was scared to death, she developed a slight lisp, she tried to put her hands in her mouth, she whispered as quiet as she could, but she said EVERY word. She did it.

And, thus, she sat down and she didn't care and I was delighted and emotional and we moved on with our Sunday. She did NOT want to talk about it.

So in the end -- did I throw her to the dogs by letting someone she didn't know well enough to say no to do the dirty work? Or did I help her gain the strength and confidence that she'll want in life? And then were all my emotions about her? Or were they about me?

Parenting is tricky. That is all I have to say about that.

Cookies

2011-07-30T22:40:00.000-07:00

So, I am back in my candida diet groove. I don't eat sugar, fruit, dairy, wheat or most grains. Most of the time I don't even think about it, and I am finally at that point where the thought of those things makes me a little ill. This is a good place to be because it makes the mental game a lot easier.

I am losing weight, which, of course, is not the point. But it is always nice to not have to think about that, right? Great side affect to a horrible illness.

For the most part I am feeling great. This weekend I feel like crap because I made a super yummy chicken dinner that had a sauce made out of the half and half poured all over it ... I then I ate it the next morning for breakfast. Oops. Then I got obsessed with memory of cookies. I love cookies. They are all the only food that I struggle with not eating. And the think about a cookie is that it is a piece of sugar and wheat heaven. And it turns out it is basically impossible to create a gluten free/ sugar free cookie -- not to mention the fact that I am grain free ... not just gluten ... free. Basically, when it comes to cookies and most things that taste yummy after a big steak, I am out of luck. More steak please.

But a few weeks ago I found this amazing little cookie that is so yummy and so perfect and so grain free ... and so totally full of sugar. Straight white sugar. Love this cookies. They have peanut butter, sugar, eggs and chocolate chips. And they taste and feel like cookie heaven. So, I thought I would try to replace the sugar. No can do. I have wasted a lot of wonderfully good peanut butter trying to figure this out, and I am not capable. Two nights ago I replaced the sugar flavor with spevia and the sugar substance with oat flour. I couldn't even pick up the cookies. They crumbled in my hands and tasted like stevia ...

Tonight I tried Agave (which I can't have, but it is the principle of the thing at this point.) This cookies looked great but tasted like dried out globes of dough. Strange texture.

Long story longer, I fell of the candida cart and ate a (small) box of cookies from the bakery this afternoon. Couldn't help myself. A girl has to have cookies.

Diapers and Cuddles

2011-07-30T22:25:00.000-07:00

So everyone at our house is a little bit sick with a cold this week. Tonight I tucked everyone in, and then a few hours later I heard wails and cries downstairs from McKenna. I could tell she was really upset, but I would have bet money that she jest needed a diaper change. Everything is so much more dramatic when you don't feel well.

I asked her if she needed a new diaper, and she said, "Yes," with a really sad voice. Then as I was laying her on the spare bed and, "My tummy hurt, mommy." Oh, sweet thing with a yucky tummy. I did not have the heart to put her back to bed. Especially when after I changed her she said, "Ah, I beher." And then spoke really slowly to get all the words in there, "I feel beher (better) now."

I took her upstairs and together we cuddled on the couch. I watched a show while she ate a cookie and put her head on my shoulder. We talked about her favorite book, and she pointed out all the daddies at work (in an office) in the show I was watching. When the show was over, we picked out a baby doll for her to take to bed with her, and that was that. In that moment I could not have had more love for my life as a mother.

And to be honest, I missed all three of them until I fell asleep, and I might have been hoping that little Lizza would need a midnight feeding.

She hit the duck!

2011-07-29T14:30:00.001-07:00

About four years ago, I wrote one of my first blog posts. It was about Baby Quinn and our Gymini toy that sits on the floor and has toys hanging over the baby. There is a duck with a chime in it. The duck was my favorite hanging toy when my niece Calli played with it 8 months before Quinn was born, and it meant a great deal to me when at 4 months (as I remember) Quinn reached out and purposely hit the duck. A real person! She hit the duck. She hit the duck! It was one of the very first beautifully exciting moments of my life as a mother.

Well, so far, Lizza has not been a fan of the Gymini. And usually when I take it out, numbers 1 and 2, get in her way, try to lay in it with her, or take the toys off and lose them. But this morning, Lizza seemed like such a big girl and while we were playing together before the others woke up, I put her in her gymini. The only toy that hangs from the once pristine and now tattered toy is, of course, the duck. And as if she had grown 10 years and 10 inches in the night, this morning my Lizza reached up and hit that duck! I about cried. A real person! She hit the duck. She hit the duck! So much love! So much excitement. She hit the duck over and over again.

It makes me a little sad that she doesn't get the attention that Quinn, Kenna or even Calli got from me at this age. But she is still my champion, and DARN IT ALL she figured it out and she hit the duck -- 3 Months and 3 weeks old. She did it.

She is getting so big, and I certainly love her to death. And while I love her now, I look forward to her turning 2. Tim and I are kind of obsessed with our 2 year olds. It will be sad when Kenna becomes a mean 4 year old, and who knows what age 6 will bring for Quinn. But we can pretty much guarantee that Lizza will get her day to shine eventually.

For now I will just take our little moment together this morning -- Lizza, mommy and the duck -- and I will ponder my great love for her in my heart ... while I wipe spit up off my shoulder.

P.S. I just found the original blog post. I'll include it below. I just read it. I might have been deeper then. I probably tried harder. I probably had more time. I certainly did not have 3 beautiful angels to look after. Here it is ... for what it is ...

May 1, 2007

My baby hit the duck on purpose!

So, I had some work today to get my grades in on time. I put Quinn on the floor on her Gymini that has toys hanging from two arches. Suddenly I realized I was hearing the same sound over and over again. It was the chime inside the duck toy. Quinn was hitting it, smiling, and then hitting it again. Oh, my gosh!!! She’s hitting the duck!!!! I stopped and watched… and watched… and watched… and watched. Wow, they really do grow up faster than you realize. I had so much joy in that moment for her. But I was also really proud of myself. I didn’t let guilt or any other sorrowful feelings get in the way. It is so easy to get emotional… she’ll never do that for the first time again, blah, blah, blah. Or I could have felt guilty for sitting in my chair with the computer in my lap the whole time. But no, I enjoyed the moment. My daughter and I can have so much fun. We can play together and learn together. But I think it is such a miracle that she can do those things without me, too. She can have her own moments. I remembered at that moment the importance of letting children of all ages feel self-motivated. She hit the duck because she wanted to. She did it again because she liked it. So, I watched from the couch. I let out a few cheers. I took a few deep breaths to soak it all in. And I just tried to let the moment happen. Good Job, Quinn. You are a good girl… whether you hit the duck or not.

I think I was extra sensitive to this moment because I picked up a book last night to read while Quinn was nursing. It is a compilation of songs, stories, recipes, games and activities that moms have used with their children throughout the ages. There was a first person article from a new mom in there. It was about how overwhelmed this mother feels when she realizes there are times she is not fully present when she is with her young son. She describes several moments that make her feel sad or inadequate and she ponders the contradiction of cheering and crying at the same time when your little one takes his first steps. She listed several moments she has witnessed where other people seemed to know something about her baby that she had never noticed. But in the end she listed several moments that are just for her and him. She remembered that there are moments so special and sacred between her and her son that they are not in the baby book or on the family blog. They are moments when she is more mother than she or anyone can even comprehend. I really love this thought that Quinn and I have a special existence that does not have to unfold to anyone’s expectations. It is ours, together and apart.

2011-06-19T17:31:00.001-07:00

Quinn got some blue nail polish on her forehead tonight while she was playing. I told her I would wash it off for her, and she said "No, thank you." later Tim said the same thing to her and she said, "No, I have to have it there because I needed a decoration."

Update on Being a Mom of 3

2011-06-15T21:06:00.000-07:00

My official party line right now is that life is great. And it really is. But here are some thoughts about my great life.

I love having 3 children. It makes life in general more fun, but it does make some details not fun at all because little babies are just not that fun and teaching children to be nice and obedient isn't all that easy. The biggest thing I have noticed as the mother of 3, which seems to not be going away, is that time is going by so fast.

In a very large nut shell, I'll tell you that I both love and hate the fact that 3 children makes time go by so fast. The days are seriously cruising. I love this when I want to put my children to bed and it is -- wow -- already 6 p.m. and time for dinner. Sweet! I also love this on Sundays and holidays when everyone around here is busy hopping from BBQ to BBQ with generations of family and since we have no one, Tim just wants to take a nap. Glad that days over. I love this when the children accidentally sleep in every day because time is going by just that fast!! Awesome!

I do not love time with wings when I am hanging with a friend and it is already time for work (because we get there at 10 instead of the ideal time of 9 because of sleeping in and nursing and brushing hair and choosing clothes and putting on sun screen.) I do not love the speed of time when I actually am having a blast with my kids playing outside and at parks after work and then I forget to feed them and then bedtime goes to hell and the night is over and everyone is scream and there is laundry to fold. I do not like feeling like all I do is feed my baby because those 3 hours go by so darn fast. I do not like it when there is no time to hug and snuggle and coo at my baby because she just lays in her crib or on the floor getting a flat head while I do other things.

I don't feel stressed and busy ... I just feel like time is too fast. I think that with 3 there is just more to do and the time just goes by. A 3 hour eat, wake, sleep cycle for my first baby felt like an eternity. But poor Lizza has had to learn to just eat faster to keep up with life in a family of 5.

Another thought I have about being the mother of 3 is that being the mother of 2 babies is very hard. I used to want twins, and while i would completely embrace that blessing ... (knock on wood and all that Jazz), I cannot imagine having two actual babies at once. Kenna is 2 and she feels like my baby. When I talk to my students about my kids, they have no idea who I am talking about because I call them all my baby. And the biggest 2 baby challenge is walking across the street or walking anywhere for that matter because Kenna is still a baby in this regard. I am almost always equipped now with a stroller and an infant carrier/bjorn/Ergo/ "strap baby to my tummy" contraption because at any moment Kenna can demand that the stroller is her "seat" and demand that baby be removed. Plus, Kenna doesn't hold hands and she likes to sit down in the middle of road/sidewalk/parking lot/ store if you grab her hand. She is not mad .. she is just sitting.

Moving on: I do not have guilt or issues with working a full time job with 3 kids, but I am finding that more people equals more to do, and more to do before I head to the office means I really can't be as carefree and relaxed as I tend to be naturally. So now we have a lot more rules and lot more routine so that we can fit in the good stuff together (and so mom doesn't cry because all she does is yell.)

So that is it -- Time goes by faster, and I feel like I have two babies. I am more paranoid about them drowning or hating me when they are old, but I love having more little ones around me because my babies are little people and I just love to be around people.

I also love Mormons and family, so I am killing a lot of birds with a couple stones here. It is great.

It makes me want to eat a lot of ice cream before bed, but it is great.

Juice Cleanse; Diet Bound

2011-06-14T21:13:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago my joints started hurting. I started getting headaches, and I started getting hungry all the time. Looks like the candida build up that dead off with pregnancy is back. So, after a sugar filled trip to California, I set tomorrow as the date to start a 3 day cleanse and then lead right into my Candida Diet. June 15 can not come soon enough. Yesterday my stomach started hurting, and I started getting migraines again. I'm excited to have physical peace, but it will not be easy ... again.

The stars aligned so perfectly last spring when I started the diet for the first time. I was well-informed and highly motivated. What I do have going for me this time is the knowledge that I have done it, succeeded, and felt great. I really can do this, but it will be hard ... again.

First up, the juice cleanse. Now, I am not sure I need this, but I am doing it out of superstition. I did it last time, so I am doing it this time. I will use a combo of organic apple juice and home juiced apples. Pretty excited.

Then on Saturday, I will start with veggies. And basically it does not get a whole lot more exciting than that for me for a long time. I will add in meat and some complex startch, and I will cheat by eating corn tortillas and all the corn chips I want. But the list of food I will not be eating is quite long, and I can't really remember what life looked once I got in a groove. I remember buying steaks on the way to people's houses and carrying little bags of approved nuts in case I got hungry (and then never getting hungry). I remember making my own catchup and putting meat and potatoes or carrots in the oven every day for lunch and eating it for lunch and dinner. Lots of Mexican food without the peppers. No Italian. No walking down the grocery rows. Trying not to eat too much of one food. Limiting the starch to one serving a day (not possible).

I'll be able to do it.

The biggest issue this time around is that I am nursing a baby. I wonder how this will affect my milk, my energy and my resolve. Tried another substitute formula on Lizza tonight to see if there is something easy I can give her during the cleanse and in case the yeast die off starts to affect her. But no dice, she threw it up and soak every item of clothes I was wearing. Crazy.

So we're off ...

No Control

2011-05-13T21:01:00.000-07:00

Control is a big deal. I think Quinn is cutting her hair one small chuck at a time everyday at school to gain some strange sense of control over her life. I try not to make a big deal about it, especially since I have no proof because her hair is curly and crazy. I just know it looks a lot different lately, and she either puts on her lying face when she tells me she did not cut it or tells me some elaborate story about how she cut it that is clearly not what really happen.

Control is hard. I have a lot of things in my life that are out of control, and I would like to list them. I can control this list.

McKenna goes in my closet and messes up my clothes and shoes. I find things all over the house. I hate it.
McKenna goes in Quinn's closet and messes up her clothes and shoes. I find things all over the house. I hate it. Surprisingly, I do not think Quinn cares.
McKenna found a stash of clothes that are too big for her and too small for Quinn, and she wears them or drags them all over the house.
Quinn will not wear what I want her to wear.
I can not get Quinn hair to look that way I want -- impromptu hair cuts aside.
Tim is in charge of the yard, and I have no say.
My laundry baskets broke, and the new ones are too small.
I lost the Apple TV remote, and I can't figure out how to program my phone to be the new remote.
I asked Tim to kill the Wasps that are all over the front door and the back door. He has not done it, and I really can't handle doing it myself.
I need to start washing my laundry in hot water, but I am not good enough at sorting colors, so I stick to cold. It is not really working anymore.
My baby is allergic to formula.
Time -- hours in the day -- seem to be going by fast. (This is good during the day, and sad during my quiet alone time at night.

A little in over my head ...

2011-05-13T20:23:00.000-07:00

I admitted to a few people in a lighthearted way that I MIGHT have been in a bit over my head when I went back to work 10 days after Lizza was born. It wasn't so bad at first, but then on my first major evening of appointments, the baby started throwing up with a violent reaction to milk-based formula. Dear me. Holding my barfing baby, deciding whether or not she needed to go to the ER, and thinking about how I was one hour behind in my work calls. So, I admitted that I might have been in a bit over my head.

Then, things like that kept happening, and I found myself making that joke more often -- like (maybe) after trying to leave the house with 3 screaming children or on the day Quinn bit Tim while I was nursing the baby or after my neck started to spasm and I had to sit on pillow at work and let the baby cry it out because I thought my arms might give out if I picked her up.

So, here is my confession: I don't have everything figured out. Having 3 (or even 2) kids can be really hard. I am not sure what I am doing or if it is working. Also, I might have sort of felt a bit defeated right at the moment that Tim called tonight to check in, and I might have totally said the F-word. I also might have cried. I also might be in Zoloft withdrawal, which will mostly likely not help any of these situations.

There. I said it. Fine. I don't really want to talk about it, but it is true and it is there and I might (sort of) understand (kind of ) why every one of my close friends has hit a wall after the third child and said, "No, thank you," to a number 4.

But in all of this chaos I seriously would not change a thing, AND I am really in love with my life (which I do not say very often). What a paradox!

There has never really been anything wrong with my life, but I am usually plague with some bigger spiritual or metaphysical issues that make it hard for me to think in small pieces of peace or gratitude. I have spent a lot of my life over analyzing even my happiness, which can be overwhelming in itself.

So, although I might be in over my head in this moment. I can see my happiness more clearly that I usually do, and that I something to celebrate. So instead of tell you more horror stories of traffic, screaming and bedtimes, I want to list some things that are really making me happy and excited:

I love my new friend Megan. There is nothing like having someone come and fill a void that you did not know you had. Very special.

I really love my car situation. Thought I loved my Jeep, (and I really, really did for 12 years), but love our Lexus RX. It is comfy, and I love that 3 car seats fit in the back and I can reach every one of my kids from the driver's seat. Love it. AND I can use a base for the infant carrier, which I couldn't use in the Jeep. Life changing.

My mom bought me an ERGOBaby Carrier. 'nough said. And thanks, Mom!

I feel really happy chemically, and I am grateful to be off Zoloft so soon after the birth.

I love all my sisters.

I am really excited for Quinn to start Gymnastics.

I feel passionate about my Juicer. I know most of the world has not the time, energy or resources to have or care about something so trivial, which is why I am even ever more grateful for the luxury that surrounds me. It doesn't need to be there, but I accept the Joy that I get from it without guilt.

I am going to plant a garden --- mostly things that I can juice ...

Lizza looks less like an alien starting today.

I get to go home in 3 weeks.

I really love my husband, and I am really enjoying the time we get to spend together with his new work schedule.

My job is so easy and so awesome and so fun.

I have gotten a LOT better at picking up my house when it is messy. I still can't clean to save my life, but I am starting to have a system for picking things up everyday.

My husband bought me a space heater for my office like 10 months ago when it felt cold and sad down there, and it still warms me up in so many ways every day.

I have every intention in the world of having more babies. Maybe lots of them. Maybe soon.

I have a new passion for vanilla ice cream topped with a ton of peanut butter and little chocolate syrup.

So even when there is chaos and pain, I really love this life of mine. I am not sure if I always feel this way. I am loving more simple things and worrying less about some of the deep concepts that have plague me for literally as long as I can remember. I feel more open to just accepting joy and happiness. There are problems of course, but there is just so many things that are warm and maybe even a little fuzzy...

Like the perfect hooded towel that my neighbor brought over today for Lizza. We've got 3 of these amazing handmade towels all hanging on hooks in a row in the bathroom. 3 little towels. 3 little angels.

Best Ever Banana Muffins

2011-05-07T08:17:00.001-07:00

BEST EVER BANANA MUFFINS

2 1/4 cups all purpose or white whole wheat flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 cup melted butter
2 cups firmly packed brown sugar
2 large eggs
2 large extra ripe bananas (peeled and mashed)
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup walnuts or pecans, chopped

In a large bowl, sift together the flour, salt, baking powder, and cinnamon.

In a separate bowl, mix the butter and brown sugar. Stir in the eggs, then add the bananas. Stir in the vanilla.

Combine the liquid mixture with the dry ingredients, stirring together only until all ingredients are moistened.

Stir in chopped nuts. Transfer the batter into greased muffin cups, filling 2/3 full.

Bake in a preheated 350°F oven for 25-30 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in a center comes out clean.

Makes 18 muffins.

Nutrition (1 muffin per serving): 239 calories, 69 calories from fat, 8g total fat, 37.1mg cholesterol, 134.7mg sodium, 127.4mg potassium, 40.1g carbohydrates, 1.1g fiber, 25.8g sugar, 3.1g protein.

Banana Muffins with Agave

2011-05-07T08:04:00.001-07:00

Agave Banana Muffins

Posted: September 20, 2010 | Author: lovestoeat | Filed under: Breakfast, Brunch, Clean eating, Light and healthy, Muffins, Quick | 1 Comment »

A perfect breakfast or snack that isnt just delicious, but also follow clean eating! Found on All recipes, this was easy to make. I did make some changes to adapt to our liking.

ENJOY!

Ingredients:
3/4 cup whole wheat pastry flour
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg-I used some nutmeg and some cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1 cup mashed ripe bananas
1/2 cup oil
6 tablespoons agave
1/2-1 cups chopped walnuts

Directions:
In a large bowl, combine the first five ingredients. Combine the eggs, banana, oil and agave then stir into dry ingredients just until moistened. Fold in the nuts.
Coat muffin cups with nonstick cooking spray (I used liners); fill two-thirds full with batter. Bake at 375 degrees F for 15-18 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. Cool for 5 minutes before removing from pans to wire racks.

I can do anything

2011-05-01T09:18:00.001-07:00

There was a time when I honestly believed that I would marry Prince William. It was a practical decision, really. I wanted to be a princess. He was about my age (a little younger by 10 months, which is almost a deal breaker for awhile.) He spoke English. He was ugly. England is pretty magical. So, all the pieces fit together in my mind. Done deal. It wasn't a fairytale in my mind. It was simply something that I had chosen to make happen.

Then I join the Mormon church, and things got a little complicated. I realized I would not only have to go to England, find the prince and get him to marry me, but I would also have to convert him and change some British laws. It was getting pretty complicated. For awhile I had a plan that was ready to implement, but then -- simply put -- I changed my mind, fell in love with Tim Fellow and moved on to new goals.

The magic of this childhood goal is that I was raised to think that I could do anything. You plan. You do. You make things happen. Changing your mind is totally acceptable, but basically if I continue to want to do something, I could, in fact, do it.

This of all things makes me scared to be a mother because I worry that somehow I will not be able to teach this critical principle to my girls the way my parents managed to do for me. (Disclaimer: my parents did not encourage me to move to England and marry a prince. I chose that on my own based on the general teaching that anything is possible.)

I am incredibly grateful to my parents for giving my strength, confidence and knowledge. I think it is a beautiful thing, and it pretty much prevents me from waking up some morning hating my life because I know that I could have done anything and been anyone. Nothing held me back. The skies were the limit, and I chose to be me and live here and have these beautiful 3 babies.

Choice is awesome.

So, on Friday morning I watched the royal wedding with my little girls. It was a little emotional for me to remember my goals of the past. It brought me back, but it also made me feel happy and powerful and grateful for my today.

Calling for Grammy

2011-04-24T09:59:00.000-07:00

(While Kenna was throwing a fit, and Daddy was trying to help.)

Quinn: When I cry, I always call, "Daddy!"

Mommy: No you don't. Sometimes you yell, "Grammy!"

Quinn: Yeah, because sometimes my whole family is being mean to me.

Easter Saturday!

2011-04-24T09:27:00.000-07:00

It used to drive me nuts that Utahans do all their egg hunts on Saturday. I grew up doing most of the egg hunting at home, but if we did go to an Easter event, it was always on Sunday. But Utahans and Mormons do things differently, and usually kick against the pricks for awhile before I see the good sense of it all. I hate to admit when the Utahans are right, but it happens.

So here we go, it just makes sense. If we try to do Easter stuff on Sunday morning, we will have about 5 minutes before we have to get ready and go to Church (when Church is at 9 a.m.). Plus, Tim is the choir director and needs to do other stuff to prepare for church in the morning. So we could wait to find baskets and hunt for eggs until after church, but for the next 7 years or so we will have somebody napping at that time. So that pushes all the Easter fun until about 3 p.m. on Sunday afternoon, which does not make any sense.

Then our good friends invited us to an egg hunt at their house on Saturday morning, and suddenly, it all clicked and I had every desire in the world to celebrate Easter on Saturday from now on.

We had a great day which started with too much candy and ended much later with quite a bit of throw up on my carpeted stairs. Darn it! But we had a nice time.

A butterfly egg for Kenna!

3 Baskets this year!!

Quinn Found Lizza's basket!

Kenna in her new Easter clothes

Ready for the practice hunt!

Megan and Wes getting ready for the real hunt!

Lizza missed most of the show

Hunt!

Lucy, Quinn and Ella scored BIG time!

And Lizza just kept sleeping.

Lizza poses with all her loot from her first Easter basket!

3 Kids in the Car

2011-04-22T19:56:00.001-07:00

Well, my first outing with 3 kids was a total flop. It took forever to pack the car and get everyone in. And we managed to get to the Dino museum without mom's wallet OR the diaper bag! U turn and a lot of sad faces. Oh dear!! We ended up at the park on a cold afternoon. The girls thought it was great, and I thought it was cold and horrible. I also had to concede to an ice cream dessert for Quinn .. oh, and we are going back to the museum tomorrow. I suck. And I am a sucker.

Play Time

2011-04-17T10:13:00.001-07:00

Playing with baby Lizza after I pushed the rest of the team out the door for church. Can't get enough of her!

Magical Baby

2011-04-17T09:02:00.000-07:00

I'm not all that sappy. And I am not really a newborn person. But OH MY GOSH I LOVE THIS BABY. I am totally crazy obsessed with her. I cuddle her and stare at her and poke her little checks as often as possible. She kills me and brings me a euphoric joy that has completely blindsided me.

She's got this super grumpy face, and it looks like she is scowling at you. And think this made it twice as exciting last night to see some little happy faces from her little lips. Gas or no gas -- she looked happy and it melted me. I think she is going to look like me with a nasty scowl when she wants one (or when something is confusing) and then -- and just let me toot my own postpartum horn here for a minute -- one awesome smile!

Oh and she is so sleepy and I love it. I found this annoying with my other babies because either I was trying to feed them or trying to play with them and neither activity works so well with a snorer in your hands. But it is different with Lizza. She finishes eating, and I am holding her and loving her little eyes. And the next think I know I am loving her little eyelids and I just keep staring and I can't put her down. And her little checks get all puffy after she eats and it looks like her skin is going to just drip off her body while her head is starting to bob and weave. Again, I declare, I can not get enough of this baby.

(FYI: just took a 1 minute break from typing to take another 25 pics of Elizabeth Marie Fellow while she stares at the monkey on her mobile)

Like I said, I am not usually a newborn person. I think they are boring , they don't do anything, they are too small, they cry when you change them, they have awkward movements, they spit up, they fall asleep when you just got out of bed to feed them or refuse to sleep when you really want to get back in bed. The list goes on and on. I was excited for Lizza to come because I wanted a new little person in our family, and I was even excited for the newborn stage because I like the schedule, it is not that hard and the clothes are cute. But in general, I was really just excited for a 5 months old to come along this fall when the going will finally get fun. But I stand corrected.

Maybe it is because Quinn is 4 years old and is really mean to me or because Kenna learned from Quinn to scream NO in my face. Or maybe it is because you can love on a baby all day long right from your rocking chair and never get up. Not sure what changed, but I just don't want to put this baby down. I love her little mouth and her purple feet that I have hold to keep warm and her flowers in her hair and her little half dimples by her lips and how she grabs my fingers while she is eating and her long fingers and her toes that stay spread out like my brother's do and her nose that is bound to turn into the cutest thing in the world. I love that I want to stare at her profile all day long just like my mom used to do to me, and I love that when given the option she chose the cheaper of the two pacifiers I offered her.

And, of course, I love that she sleeps for a 5 hour stretch from 2 to 7 a.m. almost every night. What a respectful lady!

She loves her mobile just like her sisters did, and she has the hiccups for most of her waking hours. She has the skinniest little legs that I have ever seen and she actually fits into a newborn diapers, which I have never had to buy before. She sleeps for longer if the Mormon Tabernacle Choir is on in the background (a musical nap as I call it), and her squints her eyes very dramatically or pretends to be asleep when you turn the lights on brighter or open the blinds.

Tim could not have put it better last night when he said, "Isn't cool that her poop doesn't even smell yet? She's like a magical baby."

Yes, she is.

2011-04-15T11:58:00.001-07:00

Just whispered to my new babe, "hey, baby, let's watch our first show together." Pretty sure I caught a teeny twitch of a smile.

Here she is ...

2011-04-14T22:11:00.001-07:00

Welcome Baby Lizza -- All the information you always never wanted!

2011-04-13T14:48:00.000-07:00

She is here and beautiful. Baby Elizabeth Marie Fellow was born on Monday, April 11 at 3:31 p.m. and weighs 7 pounds and 13 oz. She is at least a pound smaller than Quinn or McKenna, and she just seems unbelievably tiny to us. Her labor was easy, breezy. I was induced at 7:45 a.m. with pitocin. It took me about 5 hours to get to 4 cm dilated, and then she was born about 2 hours later. I went from a 5 to a 10 in about an hour and a half. I had an epidural, but I could feel a lot of the pressure. I enjoyed knowing that things were progressing, so I did not ask for more drugs. I just sat there in the room with Tim, and we played Scrabble together on our iPads. He kicked my trash. Next thing I knew I felt like it was time to push, and I was right.

It was awesome. They set up the room for the delivery, and after one push, my mid-wife was telling me to slow down because she was coming so quickly. Everyone was looking at the babies head and getting all excited, and I was just laying there confused since I has not done any work yet. I push a once or twice more full pushes and few mini pushes and out she popped. She turned pink right away and screamed like a dying cat. Tim and I laughed (and continue to refer to her as our kitty when she pulls out that cry.) She had a bowel movement before she was born so the breathing specialist was there to check her out and help her clean out her lungs. That took awhile, but we were all just hanging out and talking and taking pictures. She was little mucusy, so the nurse (Deb) wanted me to breast feed right away. Lizza was pretty much a champ at it. She wasn't totally into it at first (and neither was I), but we got on track within a few times.

At first Tim thought Lizza looked like Quinn, but of course now we are not sure. She nose is more Quinn than Kenna, but she just has her own look. Her eye brows are white, and her short hair is very light brown. We can't agree on her eyes, but I have a feeling they will be brown or very dark blue. Her feet are long and narrow, and when i saw the foot print they did on her after her bath it reminded me of my brother's feet with the big toe sort of sticking up and out. I loved it and laughed at this.

So, that was how labor and delivery rolled for baby number 3. I only had one stitch on a very small tear, and I was feeling fine. An hour and a half after the birth, they brought in all the equipment to do her first bath and get her all ready for life. By that time Lizza Nelson and Brandon Cummings had joined us. (Brandon brought a burrito for me, and Lizza brought pretty long stem red flowers.) We all laughed and talked during the intake and for about an hour after. I was joking that I felt like I was peeing on myself, and that I was so sorry to pee all over myself in such good company. At about 6 p.m. my nurse Deb came in to check my bleeding one more time and say good bye for the night. We checked me, and it turned out, I was not peeing on myself. I was bleeding out huge clots that were not stopping. She told Lizza and Brandon to leave and explained to Tim and that this could get scary, but they we need to take things seriously and get this under control. Lizza and Brandon said good bye, and I asked Lizza to do what she could, meaning that I wanted her to use energy work to help stop the bleeding or help me if I needed it. From the doorway, she said she would of course help, but she also said something like, "You know you can do it too. Remember no fear. You do not need fear." This really meant a lot to me, (especially since Lizza had a horrible hemorrhage after her second birth) and I did take this to heart. I was not afraid, and I did what I could to bring positive energy to the room and to the people helping me. I probably prayed too, but the exact request escapes me. I never thought I was going to die, but as it got worse, it did occur to me that I could lose my uterus. But still I felt peace. It was strange. I felt gratitude for my 3 children and husband, and I felt no fear or sadness. I would not have placed a bet on that emotion I promise you that, but that was the reality of the moment -- I was surprised but proud of myself.

Ok, so it got very crazy. I was basically naken on the bed and bleeding like crazy. The nurse called for a "staff assist," which basically says that anyone who can should come in a help. The nurse warned us that it was about to get very hectic, but again that this was necessary. So about 8 nurses and the anesthesiologist came in. They started added IV's, hanging bags of drugs, pushing on my tummy, weighing the blooding towels, calling more doctors and basically running around like crazy. I was calm in the bed, and Tim held Lizza calmly in a chair on the other side of the room. Nurses kept asking Tim if they wanted them to take the baby to the nursery. We would say, "No, Thank you," and then look at me for confirmation. He'd kind of whisper, "are you ok?" and I would reply, "Yeah, fine." We would find of shrug or laugh because there was nothing we could do, but we were both so calm. We kept making eye contact from over this little tray by my bed. It was grateful to have a mellow husband in a stressful situation. Later the nurses would talk about how we were the calmest and most good spirited people to ever go through that situation.

So, like I said, they were pumping me with drugs and calling in more backup. They were talking about how I looked so pale, and I was losing so much blood. They set my bed back so I would not pass out, and finally they took Lizza away from Tim and sent her away. Just then I started to get very cold and shook uncontrollably for the next few hours or drama. They could not get the hemorrhage to the stop. I guess it became a bigger issues because my uterus did finally start to contract, but the bleeding was not stopping. The midwife came in and worked on me, and then the doctor from the midwife practice came in to start helping. They put a drug in my rectum and a shot in my leg. The the doctor needed to check me to try to understand the source of the bleeding. Long story short she basically did a D&C with no tools and no narcotics, and it hurt so badly that I start screaming. They pumped me with more drugs, and I finally passed out. I guess i work up 30 minutes later and started apologizing to the very quiet doctor who I yelled at. Eventually the bleeding slowed from the drugs and all the pushing on my stomach. But I had lost a lot of blood and my red blood cell count was down to 8, which I guess is really low. They decided to start a blood transfusion -- and that was the 5 hours after I had Lizza. It was totally crazy. She was born at 3:30 p.m., and I didn't see the recovery room until 11:30 p.m. never been that tired in my life. As they were wheeling me from the labor wing to the recovery wing, every nurse we passed by said something like, "Oh, you've got color in your face." So, again, I guess a lot of people were part of the drama. It was really funny.

So, in the end this hospital stay turned out to be a lot more like the stay after Quinn was born. IV's, catheters and no freedom. Makes coming home all the more amazing!!1 I stayed 2 nights, and came home this morning. I didn't have many visitors, which was fine because I was so tired and felt busy even though life in the hospital felt slow. I could never seems to finish a phone call or finish a Facebook post. In our intake paperwork on Monday morning, they made us fill out of a list of visitors that might come and see us during our stay. We thought of everyone we could think of, and it was only 8 people!! So we started adding dead people and famous people to the list. We got a kick out of ourselves. We have fun together.

As for Lizza, she is doing great. She sleeps well and eats well, but she had some serious reflux and spit up issues. She has looked pretty angry for the first 2 and a half days of her life. I got her some medicine today, and things seems to be calming down. But it was pretty crazy there for awhile. She would squirm and cry and then a volcano of orange mucus would squirt out and go everywhere. It was nuts. Sometimes she would turn purple first and get all mad. And most of the time she would pass out right after and take a 10 minute power nap before eating or continuing to eat. It was sad and adorable both at the same time.

Last minute thoughts and details:
The food at Timpanogos Hospital isn't great, but it is a lot better than AF.
I ordered a burrito from Costa Vida every day to supplement the food. Loved it!

Waiting

2011-04-08T10:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I am 39 weeks along and waiting as patiently as I can for this little one to join us. I am really excited for her to join our family, but I am starting to get grouchy. My hips hurt so badly, and I have to take Tylenol to get through the night. But luckily work is done for now, and so I don't have to sit and try to get through phone calls all day. Toward the end my foot was tapping, and I just wanted everyone to hang up. I've been taking baths everyday, and trying to take a few short walks a day to keep my body limber. But today it is snowing, so I might stay inside. I had a nice lunch with Bridget and friends on Tuesday to celebrate Heidi and my new babies, and Bridget gave baby Lizza the cutest white sandals for next summer. I've been taking the girls out to dinner a lot because I am too lazy to make food or clean the kitchen. They do not seem to mind, and it passes the time for all of us.

Tim started a new schedule last week, and now he is home all morning until 2 p.m. We've been deep cleaning the basement and getting some other jobs done. I've been throwing away a whole landfill of junk. It feels nice. I found 3 or 4 boxes that I have actually been looking for for about 4 years, so that was fun.

Here's a thought. Will I be board in the hospital? I have not invited friends to the birth. Will Tim and I run out of things to talk about? I have a book, iPad and iPhone. That should keep me busy. Maybe Tim and I can have a Scrabble marathon? We'll see. When you sit around waiting for something for 40 weeks, you have a lot of time to think about it.

Just waiting.

Scripture Power

2011-03-28T20:38:00.001-07:00

A friend of mine was blogging about some scripture study methods that have worked with her two small children. I posted a comment, and thought the topic is worthy enough to go down in history.

So, here it is, the Gospel Art Kit ... the one the primary gave Quinn for her birthday ... scared Quinn. She loves it like a scary movie, though, which concerns me. "Oh, mom let's find that picture with the dead guy and the really means guys!" The pictures in the Children's picture scriptures are less intense, but Quinn can not focus on the stories because she is very upset that no one is wearing sleeves. So for every single picture she asks me why that guys is not modest. It is all pretty funny and helps me not take the whole practice too seriously with a 4 and 1 year old.

But it is also an interesting thing about Quinn. As a child, if I saw something violent or scary, I ran away. Quinn soaks it up even if it really bothers her. That is how she processes things. Good to know. I have to do a lot of filtering with her because she is mostly not going to filter for herself.

So, when we do read the scriptures together ... we pull out the Family Book of Mormon, and I kind of hope the book mark is not on a page with a picture!

So much pain

2011-03-28T08:58:00.000-07:00

Contractions, baby sitting on my bladder, annoyed with everyone. Want to throw the iPad through the window. Where did all my peace go? What in the world? 2 weeks at most.

New Holes

2011-03-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

I just nailed 14 new holes in the walls. For those who know me ... nothing in my house ever changes, so hanging anything is a major step. Nesting ...

Baby's Room: Cute sign that says, "Sunshine: You are my Sunshine," 8 by 10 frame in anticipation for a picture that is coming in the mail, 3 super cute paper flowers.

Girls' Room: Signs that say, "Quinn's Room" and "McKenna's Room," A large pink flower decoration, a picture of me and Kenna, a picture of Tim and Kenna, A sign about being able to do anything if you are in the right shoes (for my angel who is passionate about shoes.)

Front Room: Very Cute Letter "F."

Now I need a nap, but I can hear the girls throwing lunch ... dear me

Home stretch

2011-03-26T09:52:00.001-07:00

I have about 2 weeks left until I get induced on April 11. My due date is April 16. I am dilated to a 3, my back hurts and I am chocking on my own saliva, which I do not quite understand. I headed to the magic chiropractor yesterday to get all put together for delivery, and I have everything I need for the big day except a few picture frames and 2 ipod docs to finish decorating the girls' rooms before the big day. I figure I have to do it now because nesting ends the minute he baby pops out, and it will be another few years before I care again.

So far the end of this pregnancy has not been nearly as bad as the end of other other two. I'll have aches and pains, but they only last a day or so. With the other pregnancies, once something started to hurt, it hurt until the very end. This baby is way low, so I do not have any pain in my ribs, which is really nice. The baby moves a lot, but not too much. (I remember crying in the bath tub every night with McKenna because she would not stop moving.) So, in general, I am just really excited to have my baby. At night, I miss her, and I am already excited to wake up with her in the night and to listen to audiobooks together while I nurse.

I have slowed down on my media intake, which has happen at the end with all 3 babies. I like things to be nice and quiet before and after the baby comes and so I because very sensitive to loud or obnoxious TV and movies. I've been reading a book called, "The Anatomy of the Spirit," which I love, and listening to a lot of primary church music with the girls.

Tim and I agreed on a new budget for me the other day, and I hate it. Like I said, I only decorate my house every few years right before a baby comes. I NEED MONEY TO DECORATE! I spent $73 at Hobby Lobby yesterday and did not even get the picture frames I went there for. I bought a few decorations for the house and some bows and headbands for the baby. I could not help myself. If it was pink, I had to buy it.

I have not been super hungry for the last few days. I have whole days where I have to remind myself to eat ... which is not usually my style. I guess there is just no more room in there.

My hips do not hurts nearly as badly as they did with the other girls. I can sleep pretty well through the night. But I do get really thirsty at night sometimes, and I can not get enough water. Sometimes I lay there, and I then I am grateful to have to go to the bathroom because I can get some water on the way. I can't just sit up to drink water because I feel like a beached whale and it takes a lot of energy to bend my abs. So I am grateful for the bathroom breaks.

This baby gets in the hiccups like crazy. I don't love it. I think it makes me feel like I have air in my abdomen, and I don't like the regular pattern of the hiccups, but at least I know she is alive and well. No complaints there.

So basically I am uncomfortable from my belly button to my mid-thighs, with some heartburn to boot. But I am happy and feeling a lot of peace in my life (even though I totally yelled at my girls today for hiding from me at Wal-Mart. I still feel really badly about it.)

Come on, Baby Lizza, come join us!!!

Water Shelf

2011-03-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

For 4 years I have needed a little shelf for my water cup right next to my rocker in the nursery. IT WENT UP TODAY! So, I guess this baby is ready to come. Those kind of changes never happen after the baby comes. So any nesting that doesn't get done this round will have to wait for #4.

It was not an easy process to get this shelf. First I had to commit to a shelf. Then I had to buy it. Then I had to commit to the exact location. But finally, all that was done and the shelf was ready for installation.

The morning started with Tim getting on my case because I wanted to buy new iPod docks for the nursery and the girls' room. Short version: "You're spending too much money ... blah, blah, blah." One hour later, I hear him yelling form the nursery while trying to put up the shelves. I enter. What seems to be the problem dear? Eye lashes batting with sweetness, of course.

"This is such a piece of crap. Why do you always settle for this cheap junk?"

Hum .... Not sure I can win.

But the shelf is up, and after some discussion I was "given permission" to use it for my water cup. I think I convinced him the house will not implode if a shelf with a water cup is a little shaky.

What the Old Navy?

2011-03-16T21:08:00.000-07:00

I was on OldNavy.com today planning my give and get shopping adventure for tomorrow when everything will be 30% off all weekend.

I put a few things in my online basket like a cute dress for each girl and some adorable jellies in basically every size and color.

Well, it is 5 hours later, and I just went to the site to finish shopping. Suddenly, everything in my online cart costs about 30% more than it did this morning!

I think Old Navy is trying to play me. I am not having it!!

So sad that those cute Mary Jane jellies will now -- out of principle -- not be joining our family tomorrow.

Not just a drip, drip

2011-03-14T18:55:00.001-07:00

After 5 days and 3 doctors, I finally found out what is wrong with my very painful/ puffy eye. It is not great news, but it is better than the wrong news which is what I got at "After Hours Medical" in American Fork, Utah. The doctor barely looked at my eye before telling me it is probably a sty, and I should basically get over it. A very good doctor at the IHC instacare in Highland, who I saw in the very early stages, actually mentioned this diagnoses but said it was too early to tell. At least he was paying attention, right.

So here it is! (Already on drugs and praying that it does not get worse before it gets better as the doctor said it might.)

Herpes Zoster Ophthalmicus (HZO)

What is HZO?

Herpes zoster ophthalmicus (HZO) is caused by the same virus that causes chickenpox and shingles. When the virus involves the skin around the eye and the eye itself, it is called HZO. It is not the same virus that causes herpes simplex.

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What are the symptoms of HZO?

HZO can cause a rash with small blisters to break out on the forehead and around the eye, typically on one side of your face. Sometimes you will have pain in the same area of your face a few days before the outbreak. Infection of the eye causes extreme pain, swelling of the eyelid, light sensitivity and redness.

In severe cases, the cornea can be damaged. This can affect your vision.

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Who gets HZO and why? Can I prevent it?

There is nothing you can do to prevent HZO. It is not common in children, rather it occurs more often as people get older. Men and women are equally affected. People who develop HZO have typically had chickenpox or have been exposed to the chickenpox virus in the past.

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How can my doctor tell if I have HZO?

If you have HZO, you will probably have a rash that looks like chickenpox, usually on one side of your face or forehead. Besides examining you, your doctor will not need to do any additional tests to see if you have HZO. Sometimes herpes simplex infections can resemble HZO. However, the patterns of the rashes are different and your doctor will be able to tell them apart.

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How often is the eye involved?

The eye itself is affected in 10% of patients. Your doctor will examine you to see if your eye is affected by HZO. If it is, you may need to see an ophthalmologist (a doctor who specializes in treating eyes) for further treatment.

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How is HZO treated?

If you think you might have HZO, see your doctor right away. Early treatment with antiviral medicines (usually in pill form) can reduce pain and the duration of symptoms. Your doctor may also give you a corticosteroid (in eye drop form) to relieve inflammation.

Cool compresses can help ease the pain and rash. Pain medicine that is available over the counter, such as aspirin, ibuprofen (some brands: Motrin, Advil) or acetaminophen (one brand: Tylenol) may help.

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How long will I have the infection?

The pain from HZO, should get better as the rash goes away. With uncomplicated HZO, you should recover in a few weeks, but it may take longer in older or sicker patients.

Drip, Drip

2011-03-13T12:55:00.000-07:00

Last time we had friends over for a special Turkey dinner, the sink broke, and we almost had to cancel. We have a Turkey event planned for tonight ... and the faucet just broke. Dear me. We'll be using hot water from the bathroom tonight!

Great excuse to skip the dishes and get to sleep early, right?

Also, Kenna won't nap, and Lizza will not stop kicking me. It makes my insides feel like the organs are playing sports. Makes me want to throw up and gives me heart burn.

Also, I have an eye infection that will not go away, so I look like a freak. What else could go wrong, right? The Turkey gods frown on me. Why me?

Nesting Round 3

2011-03-05T15:18:00.000-08:00

So, let the nesting begin. I moved the girls into their shared room last weekend, and I thought it would take weeks before the process was complete enough to start preparing for Lizza, who is due in 6 weeks. BUT, the move went great, and I am some how bit with the productive bug and eager to get the nursery back in order.

I started, like all successful redecorating projects, with a trip to Ikea. My friend Megan came with me, and we had a great time. Quinn got to play in the Playland, and Kenna was an angel in the stroller that I packed with blankets and soft things from home. I am surprised she kept her eyes open.

My goal was to find some bins or boxes to fit under the girls beds in their bedroom to increase the storage space for close and shoes and things. Success. Found cute pink bins for under Kenna's crib and an ugly, but perfect, "Under the bed" box for Quinn. I got home and within an hour I have moved every item of Kenna's clothes into Quinn's room, and everything now has a place to go.

If I were not so complete exhausted I would start go through the baby clothes and getting the nursery all ready, but it will have to wait for a few hours. Here is my before Lizza comes to "due" list:

Move the mattress up in the crib to the newborn level
Print pictures to update the walls in the nursery and the girls' room
Hang pictures
Clean out baby drawers and fill with stuff I will actually use
Dust and clean the baby furniture and under the crib
Buy a small shelf to hang right near my glider to use for my water and book and phone when I am nursing this round
Move the iPod dock to Quinn and Kenna's room and find an Ipod old enough to use with it
Get rid of a lot of baby toys that Quinn OR Kenna never used
Get rid of a lot of baby clothes that Quinn OR Kenna never used
Get the mobile out and ready
Find the changing table mobile that both girls have LOVED
Find a way to put a chair or seat in the nursery so people will hang out with me while I nurse
Decide how I feel about use sleep positioners or sound machines with this baby

Sharing a Room

2011-02-25T18:00:00.001-08:00

7:00 p.m. I just put the girls down in the same room for bed tonight. This is a choice I might really regret ... Like any minute.

Update to follow.

7:30 p.m. Quinn came up stairs screaming and crying that Kenna threw a sippy cup at Quinn's nose. She told me she was picking it up for Kenna because she kept throwing it out of her crib. This kind of broke my heart, but I think Quinn and I had a good talk about it. I explained to Quinn that just because she and McKenna are sharing a room, that does not mean that Quinn has to be the mom or do any work. I just held her and told her that her bed is her special save, and she does not have to help and anything when it is time to sleep.

8:00 p.m. I think it worked. I don't hear anything. Maybe I do, but I am trying not to.

Update

The next night went really well. Both girls were so tired, and I did not hear a peep. The key really is Quinn and if she is ready for bed, but I hate to put all the pressure on her. Anyway, I am more excited about this change because at night after the kids are asleep the nursery is ready for me to prep and landing for the baby. I was dreading this job this time because I am in all sorts of pain, and really happily busy with the girls, but now that the room is open, I am going in!!!!

Naps today were a mess, but that is fine since Quinn usually doesn't take one because of Pre-school. Mondays will be rough, but I'll live.

Yay for happy sleeping children!!

Mormon Humor

2011-01-12T19:18:00.000-08:00

Only Funny to Mormons, this is a conversation Quinn and I have almost everyday.

Quinn: I go to Primary because I am big so I don't go to pre-school anymore.
Jill: Yes, you do go to Primary, but that is just on Sundays. You still get to go to pre-school for a few more years.
Quinn: And then where will I go?
Jill: Then you go to Elementry school and then junior high school for a little while and then high school and then college.
Quinn: Do I get to go to Primary forever?
Jill: No, but you get to go there for a long time. For a long time until you 12 years old.
Quinn: Then where will I go?
Jill: Then you go to Young Womens.
Quinn: After Young Womens, then where will I go?
Jill: Then you go to Relief Society like mommy for a long, long time?
Quinn: Then where will I go?
Jill: Then you die. :)

Jesus and the Cat

2010-12-28T15:48:00.000-08:00

Remember when Quinn said that Jesus would bring her a real cat since Santa can only bring things he can make in his workshop. Well, basically, the next day we got mice. I joked with one of my students that she can go ahead and ask Jesus for whatever she wants because since he is real, I don't have to do anything about it! At the time, I figured the only way Jesus could bring Quinn a cat was to make one appear in the living room. But soon the mouse problem got worse, and, in fact, a few little mice appeared in my living room. Quinn and Jesus and the mice left me no choice, and after buying poison and traps, I was inspired to search online for the perfect cat. Gray, Russian Blu, Female, Short hair, already spayed and potty trained, likes families and hates mice. In about 5 minutes I had my choice of 3 perfect cats in a 40 minute radius from the house. I couldn't fight it.

So, the day before Christmas Eve, we added Charlotte James Fellow to our little family. She is perfect, and we adore her. Tim was pleasantly surprised with the adition, and the cat has already learned that he is the best back scratcher.

Happy Holiday Workers

2010-12-21T18:51:00.001-08:00

I try to do a good job at work.

I mentioned today that my new cleaning ladies gave me big hugs and Merry Christmas wishes when they left. They also stayed 30 minutes extra (They are paid strictly by the hour at their company) and did not change me any extra. They were also shocked and happy that I gave them a tip. GOOD PEOPLE!

Then I heard a knock on the door in the garage. It was my UPS man. He was delivering a very important holiday gift. He said, "I am delivering a package. It has pictures on the side. I thought it might need to stay hidden." He had carried Quinn's big girl bike box all the way into the back corner of the garage and hide it from view. GOOD PEOPLE!

That all just seems over and above and makes me want to work harder.

That's all.

The War is Over

2010-12-21T18:31:00.000-08:00

I got a "cleaning lady" today. It was fine time, mind you. I have been very politely waiting for Tim to come around on this issue for a long time.

I know there are woman out there that work full time, make babies AND keep the house clean. I AM NOT ONE OF THESE WOMAN.

For several years I told Tim that I would take on more hours or get a second job to pay for the house cleaning because THAT IS HOW MUCH I WOULD RATHER NOT BE CLEANING!

He tried to pull out some junk about how it is not about the money it is about the work ethic, blah, blah, blah. But then he bought a rock band, and I clearly showed -- as I supported Tim, our child and some other fools for a year -- that I have plenty of work ethic. Also, I do not believe that in the information era that anyone needs to prove their work ethic by scrubbing a bathtub. My children will know how to work -- just like I do -- with my brain and my heart because that is what my parents taught us. (Maid, Gardener and 3 master's degrees at Marne Drive, thank you very much.)

One time after a big discussion about the work ethic/we have no money issue, I was woken up my a nap by a crazy loud lawn mower. How on earth could the neighbors gardeners sound so loud? I thought. Oh, yes that would be OUR gardener that Tim swore he told me about. I am a good wife for not hiring the maid (and kicking him out) the very next day.

But as time went on I got at least a little better at cleaning the house when my friend Melissa taught me how to clean the floor and how to use vinegar on everything. I liked that, and I sort of dropped the issue.

Now we have mice, and Tim is taking it personally as if a few cleaning bathtubs are going to replace the work of a few traps and a fast cat. But whatever ... if this is what tips the scale for him, so be it! Bring on the mice because I got me a cleaning lady and clean bathroom mirror today!!

Sadly, I have to just give in to the fact that to have a cleaning lady in Utah cost about twice as much as it costs in Los Angeles, so I guess I will have to do some of the cleaning myself so we don't break the bank. Bummer.

Aside from suddenly having clean spaces that have never been cleaned, my two favorite parts about this experience today are that one of the woman who showed up is named Mariam -- which is the name of the wonderful woman who cleans my mom and sister's homes! Love it. And second, both woman gave me huge hugs and lots of Merry Christmas wishes as they left. See, I am not being lazy, I am adding to my Utah family. More people to love. What is so wrong with that?

A Necklace for Quinn

2010-12-11T20:34:00.000-08:00

One present I bought for Quinn this Christmas is a "Church Necklace." A few months ago she found my jewelry box that had my Young Women's necklaces in it. For a month or so she wore one of them to church. She's 3 ... so it broke, of course. No big deal. But she has been asking about it ever since. So for Christmas I bought her a Young Women's torch charm and a chain. It was two small to figure out how to wrap it, and her stocking is already going to be really full. I want the necklace to get the attention she is apt to give it. So, I am writing this hear, so I do not forget: I hid the necklace inside one of the Christmas ornaments. I want it to be the last one she opens. I think she is going to freak out. It is an old woman gift for my little daughter with the old soul.

Singing Quinn and Big McKenna

2010-12-11T20:22:00.000-08:00

So, 3 year olds don't sing pretty. Quinn is so exception to this rule. She was a late bloomer to singing. But now she call pretty much learn songs and repeat them. She CAN do this. She chooses not to.

Tonight in the car I was telling her how I proud I was of her for singing with her friends and the primary on stage during the Ward Christmas Breakfast this morning. Then, I started singing Away in the Manger, which is the only song from the concert that she knows. She did not join in.

When I was done sing, there was this silence, and then she said, "Mom, you do know (and broke into song) "Joy to the World, the Lords is come. Let earth ...." She sang the whole song. She knows the words better than I do. I loved it. She sang it on my request 3 more times on the way home. Then I join in and then Kenna joined in scream and singing. The three of us sang about Jesus all the way home. I was so happy.

You should have seen Tim and I watching her sing this morning in the primary Christmas program. We both ended up standing from our table to get a better view. I was taking pictures, and neither of us could take our eyes off of her. It was one of those moments as a parents. The first time one my next children sings in the primary program, I might stay sitting and keep eating my bacon ... I realize that. But this was a moment for us a young parents. I never wanted it to end. I wanted to stand there and watch her pretend to sings songs she didn't know with a big smile on her face occasionally waving to us forever. I love my singing Quinn.

On a totally different note: McKenna is 18 months and starts Nursery tomorrow. I am not sure I have it in my this weekend to dress her up and take pictures, but I will do the best I can. I can't believe she all of a sudden got so big and so old. I love that she is crazy and normal and falls down all the time and sings and gets a groove and has to dance. She'll probably start dancing when they sing in Nursery. I hope they let her. Too bad nursery is at nap time, and as good parents we pretty much need to take her home and put her to bed. I will be conflicted I am sure.

A Sleigh

2010-12-11T20:17:00.000-08:00

Quinn and I were eating dinner at a restaurant tonight. (She calls it a restanaut.) There was a surf board hanging as a decoration on one of the walls. Quinn was looking at it, so I asked, "Hey, Quinn do you know what that is?"

She said, "Yes. It is a sleigh ... like for the ocean so like you don't get eaten by like sharks and whales and stuff. You know ... a sleigh."

Just to clarify I said, "You mean like a sled but for the ocean?"

She said, "Yes, like a sled (and then repeated) ... for the ocean so like you don't get eaten ... (and so on.)

We've decided to name our baby girl ...

2010-12-04T18:42:00.000-08:00

Elizabeth Marie Fellow. We will call her Lizza, but you are welcome to use any nickname for Elizabeth that you like.

I love the name Elizabeth and have had several close and wonderful friends with this name. And Marie is my middle name and Tim's mom and sister's middle names. Although the name Marie comes from both sides of the family I think about Marie as a part of Jan. She is an amazing mother and grandmother, and she means a lot of me. She is an example and a friend, and I an honored to give our daughter part of her name.

And then Lizza, of course, comes from one of my oldest and dearest friends. One of the many things that I love about this name is that (if I understand the situation correctly) my friend Lizza gave this nickname (for Elizabeth) to herself as part of her journey to find herself in dark times. (I know she went by other nicknames at other times in her life, but I might have the story wrong.) But knowing a little about my friend's life before I met her, I feel like Lizza became the name for her that represents a woman who is strong and faithful and on a constant journey to find happiness, peace, love and God. Lizza for me -- because of my friend -- is a name and word that I associate with some amazing qualities that I have found in few others. I truly love my friend Lizza, and I hope my daughter can know her and love her and have some of her best and beautiful qualities.

Elizabeth is due to join our family in mid-April. Seems really far away. I can't wait. Quinn talks about her every day, which makes it both more fun and more real.

New Decoration

2010-12-04T18:30:00.001-08:00

I usually buy a few new Christmas ornaments every year to remind us of what happen that year or how we celebrated the holiday. One year I bought matchy, matchy ornaments with my Mom when she spent Thanksgiving in Utah with us. You might remember the one year we had no money, and so we tied a cat ball on one of Quinn's hair bows and placed it on the tree. We have a Christmas cat ornament from my mom the year we got Berkeley, and an Angel for the year we had Quinn. We hung Tim's graduation tassel up for 2006, and a key chair I bought during the 3 day walk for 2009. We have little drums all over the tree to represent Tim's music and the simple gift for the baby Jesus from the little drummer boy. Tim's mom has given us some really beautiful wooden nativity and star ornaments that I love. We have a small stuffed poodle has we hand up every year to remember the passion of our oldest child and a small frame with an ultrasound picture to remember the miracle of our second. I'm sure at some point this Christmas season I will find an ornament for this year ... but so far ... no luck. Here is the deal. A lot happen this year. A lot! But not a whole lot of it is tree worthy. I got a new job that took up all my time and made me crazy. I went on and off Zoloft. I had a miscarriage. Kenna went crazy. Tim took a bunch of tests. I cured my lifelong stomach and bladder pain. I lost 25 pounds. I got pregnant twice. Quinn learned and grew and got sassy. Kenna learned to scoot, walk and love shoes ... that's it. I'll buy a shoe! I think Kenna's journey is a really big start of 2010. We working was part of that journey for her. The zoloft drama was part of that journey. And her shoes were her first passion after she finish her withdrawal and became our McKenna. I'll buy a shoe ornament or just hang up one of her shoes. Well, the point of this post was not answer the problem, but the point was to tell you that because I could not find an ornament for 2010, I took my girls to Smiths's Marketplace today, and we bought a new decoration for the house. $13.99 for a pretty cute Santa.

So, I guess now we'll have a Santa and a shoes (and a little bike ornament to represent my fall down the mountain on our 7th anniversary ... if I can find one.) :)

Green Pancakes

2010-12-03T07:11:00.000-08:00

I feed my kids pancakes about 3 times a week. I love pancakes. And since I am not on my candida diet right now, I want to live it up! My kids are so used to green pancakes that they forgot they are not supposed to be green in the first place.

Here is what I do:

1 and 1/2 c. Bisquick in to a 4 cup measuring cup and set aside

1 and 1/2 c. Water into a blender
2/3 cup dry milk into the blender
1 egg into the blender
big handful of Spinach into the blender

Mix the heck out of the blender ingredients.

Poor the liquid into the measuring cup and mix with a fork. Add a little more bisquick for desired thickness.

Use measuring cup to neatly poor onto a greased griddle.

So yummy!!

2/3 of a tree

2010-12-03T07:08:00.000-08:00

It has only been a few days, but it is clear that the bottom third of our tree is going to have to be naked this year. We have already had several casualties. Oh, dear. Out of instinct everything time Kenna pulls one off and hands it to me or throws it on the grown ... I just put it back on the tree ... at the top. Kenna even pulls on the lights. What a crazy, normal child!! Quinn just didn't teach us enough. We're so blindsided by this normalcy! Merry Christmas ... 2/3 of a Merry Christmas.

The Name

2010-12-03T07:06:00.000-08:00

So, we chose a name for our new baby girl. I just have a few more people to tell in person before I post it here. The big news is coming soon ...

The Back Order

2010-12-03T07:04:00.000-08:00

Quinn wants Santa to get her a big girl bed for Christmas. Santa decided to outsource to JCPenny. He ordered and paid a few days ago, and just received a notification that the Elves at JCPenny are back ordered, and Santa might not be able to deliver the bed by Christmas. What is Santa going to do?!! AH!!! Stupid outsourcing.

It's a Girl ... again!!!

2010-11-10T18:09:00.001-08:00

Amen!! We are having another girl!! (Quinn cried ... she wanted a brother.) But Tim and I are pumped. Someday ... if we have a boy ... please do not show him this post. :)

Day light Savings and Ditching Church

2010-11-07T10:26:00.000-08:00

The girls were up at 7:30 a.m. this morning. Oh just kidding, according to the auto-changing clocks on our cell phones it was in fact 6:30 a.m. and the end of Day Light Savings. So be it. I crawled in bed with McKenna and let her play with me for awhile while I kept my eyes shut. But soon Quinn could hear the excitement and up she was. Tim is really good at convincing the girls that it is still sleeping time and getting them to go back to sleep. But I have gone soft with this pregnancy, and part of me really misses them when they sleep and is excited that they are up. This always, however, bites me in the but a few hours later when everyone is tired and crabby ... including me.

Usually Kenna is a problem at church and needs to be brought home early for a nap. But today in her little body it was nap time before church even started. So, here I am sitting at home, reading the ward newsletter and blogging ... kitchen all clean, dinner all cooked, and ditching church while Kenna sleeps. Tim and I are switching in a few minutes, and I'll get to head to church for the second 2 hours to sit with my primary class while the practice for the Primary program, which is next week. Sounds fun to me. I can't take naps because they bring on morning sickness so I'd rather stay busy.

We are having Lizza and Jared over for Turkey Dinner tonight. Since Tim and I never get to cook actual Thanksgiving Dinner, we usually make turkey dinner about 10 times during the winter months. It is a favorite, and the leftovers feed us for a week. We're excited to have Lizza and Jared and their kids here to be in on the fun.

I am already a little scared at how sick I will feel in about 7 hours after I completely stuff my face. Yikes. I better be careful.

President David O. McKay, in his October 1955 conference address said, “Thankfulness is measured by the number of words; gratitude is measured by the nature of our actions.” I like that. I hope I can teach such an idea to my children.

Santa vs. Jesus

2010-11-06T07:53:00.000-07:00

Quinn and I were in the car this morning, and we started talking about Christmas. I asked her what happens at Christmas, and she said she gets to put Christmas lights up in her room. (She is very excited for this.)

Then we talked a little about Santa Claus, and when I asked what she wanted Santa Claus to bring her, without skipping a beat, she said, "A real cat." She had actually mentioned this out of nowhere a few weeks ago, so I was not surprised.

When we got home, she told Tim that she wants Santa to bring her a cat for Christmas. We started to explained that Santa makes the toys he brings, and Santa doesn't make kitty cats. Her eyes got really big like she had a light bulb go on over her cartoon head, "JESUS!" Then her face basically said the issues is closed ... Jesus, apparently is bringing her a real cat for Christmas.

Not quit sure how we are going to wiggle out of this. We usually have Jesus bring one gift for the family on Christmas morning, but it just never occurred to us that Jesus would start getting a wish list. Shoot.

The Sign in the Window

2010-11-04T07:31:00.000-07:00

I got a Western Governors University window cling in the mail the other day from HR, so I put it on my back car window. The next day Quinn noticed it while she was getting in the car.

She said, "Mom, why did you put that on your car?"

"We'll, that is the name of the place where I work Western Governors University."

"Oh, I like it," she said. "We should keep it there."

"I like it too. Good Idea. So, Quinn what does the sign say? Do you remember?"

She said in her angry adult voice, "Yes, it says, 'Mommy has to go to work!"

TV thoughts

2010-10-29T19:43:00.000-07:00

I love TV. Love it! Always have. I was scared of movies and movie villains as a kid, so TV is what I had. TV tends to have more Man vs. self conflicts and more lighthearted man vs. man than films do. Anyway I loved TV as a kids and watched way too much. Then I took a 10 year break. And then went back to TV. I love it.

One thing that is great about TV and Movies and annoying at the same time are the rules. For example, if there is a scene where a usually grouchy woman is sitting at her desk in her office at night and then gazes with a smile at a picture of the man she loves and then stands up to leave for the night ... she is about to get attacked! In every genre, such happiness is bound to be slapped in the face. Too bad really, but not so unlike life. I say that not in a negative way. I say that to mean that if we just sat in happy bubbles all day, we probably wouldn't stay happy or get happier. It is a fundamental principal that trials help us grow and growth makes us happier. So, even though TV is crazy and useless and predicable, it is nice that there are universal truths that just sort of come though ... even when people are just trying to sell air time ... and even when the show is just so stupid and the characters and their sex drives are just so unbelievable.

On a more specific note: how sad is the whole Christina story line on Grey's Anatomy right now? Really heart wrenching. And as a general rule, who stupid is the writing on Private Practice (which I never miss)?

Some thoughts

2010-10-24T08:20:00.000-07:00

Mostly things are good.

1. I didn't think the Zoloft was working, and I was about to get a higher dosage against my strong desires. But then it seems some of the crazy pregnancy demons started going away. So, I am more confident than ever that I need the drug, but I'm willing to stay at the lower dosage for awhile.

2. We are quitting day care for Nov. and Dec. I am pretty excited. We love our Sunshine Academy ... but it is still day care. The girls bring home all kinds of germs and horrible behaviors. Actually Kenna brings home better behavior, and Quinn comes home as monster Kristie Quinn. On top of that, we were only using half of the hours we were paying for. So, we hired our adorable neighbor, Ashley to come watch the girls on Wed. and Thurs. afternoons. Ashley has a really mellow personality that is perfect for both girls. She has a lot coming for her trying to keep Kenna from ripping up the house while I am working, but I'm sure she'll figure it out! I think I am going to buy a long baby gate to block off the kitchen ... for everyone's sanity. (Yesterday Kenna poor uncooked rice all over the carpet.) So, welcome Ashley!

3. I am excited for my long car trip to California for Thanksgiving. We're headed to support Kate in the 3 Day in San Diego!!! Go Kate!!!!

Zoloft, Oh, Zoloft (With longing intent)

2010-10-02T18:16:00.000-07:00

Today I made fancy french toast, baby sat two extra kids, watched about 3 hours of church, baked two edible apple pies and made 6 gallons of liquid laundry determent from scratch. But all this awesomeness and industry does not change that fast that I am going crazy again and planning to start Zoloft on Monday.

Here is the deal: I told some friends a few weeks that I could feel the depression/ anxiety coming on. I wasn't sure what to do about it. But then it kind of went away. But now it is back exactly as before. Fear of people. Hatred of things that have no need to hate. Anxiety. Short temper. Sadness. Mostly Fear and regret. In fact, I spend a lot of time feeling recycled anxiety about things that upset me last time this happen before I got drugs. They were not based in reality last time and certainly not this time either. Literally it feels like part of my brain is living in the darkest days of January 2009 while the rest of my brain is making up things to be upset about in the present day.

Last night was the last straw. I had a wonderful talk with Tim about some real issues at work. ("Real" but really mild under normal circumstances.) We put a plan together, and all was right with the world when I went to bed, which gave me a glimmer of hope. In the night I woke up freaking out and did not sleep much. I woke up in the morning depressed, lonely and scared. When you have moments where reality is sitting right next to insanity, it all looks much clearer.

Obviously, Zoloft is not my idea of a good idea. We all know that I believe this drug had dangerous affects on McKenna, and I pissed that no one in medical land seems to care. But the reality is that i don't want to try something new. I'll have to figure out a way not to nurse on Zoloft. As before, I would like to not stay on the drug for very long. And this time I won't be scared to go off of it because I have been there done that, and I know I am not crazy for always.

Another concern I have about Zoloft is church. It takes an amount of healthy stress for me to be the amazing Mormon I once was ( or am, whatever). Anyway, when I was on Zoloft I always had these thoughts like, "If I wasn't on Zoloft, maybe I would feel more compelled to do this or this or this." Oh, it turns out I am mostly just lazy now, and -- Zoloft or not -- I need a kick in the pants. So, no worry there.

So, there we have it again.

I hope you'll all forgive for being a stranger the last few weeks both here on the blog and in my personal life. I am grateful to have friends and family who love me and know me and care. I know some of you kind of like crazy Jill (hey, can be fun and loud and angry), and I know some of you probably prefer Zoloft Jill. Maybe I could have you all sign a list or something. I could put all the "real me" friends and relatives in one cell phone and the "Zoloft me" friends and relatives in another and soft have have two lives --- Zoloft and Non-Zoloft, Pregnant and Non-Pregnant, Crazy and Non-crazy.

Hopefully, I'll just keep you all -- all the time.

Monday and Zoloft, take me away.

Poison Drinks

2010-09-28T18:12:00.000-07:00

Quinn learned about poison apples from, none other than, Walt Disney, so now if she doesn't like the taste of something she is drinking (or if she just wants me to go up stairs AGAIN at bedtime), she tells me in a creepy, scared, slow voice, "This is poison water." Dear me.

Somehow today she had this memory of some times of old at our home, and she told me in that same creepy, scared, slow voice, "This is soy milk, mommy."

8 Weeks

2010-09-05T17:15:00.001-07:00

So, I am actually not feeling as tired and sick at 8 weeks as I did at 7 weeks. Still sick enough to feel like everything is going fine, but not so sick that I want to die. Still too sick to plan meals, cook, clean or function like a human.

I Need a Prince

2010-09-05T17:09:00.000-07:00

Today we turned on Music and the Spoken Word -- the Mormon choir music show-- and Quinn said she needed to dance. She asked Tim and I if we would dance with her, but we were both really tired and had just sat down. I didn't have the heart to see her big sad face for long, so I stood up to dance. We swayed back and worth for a few seconds, and then Quinn stopped and said ever so sweetly, "No, I don't need another girl. I need a prince."

She convinced Tim to dance with her, and they did a very graceful ditty. She spent the next hour looking for another Prince while Tim rested.

Sad Story ... not about us

2010-08-31T20:09:00.000-07:00

Do any of you remember Quinn's first day of pre-school last year? Well, basically, the crescendo was that while she was out on the play ground, a little boy pushed her off the swings. The little boy cried because he was put in a time out. And then Quinn cried because the little boy cried. Quinn had to sit by the teacher in the school yard for a long time to help her feel better. She was sitting with the teacher for longer than the boy was in time out. The entire event -- him crying, not him pushing her -- was the only school story Quinn told for 6 month. The little boy's name was Jaden. He reminds me of a boy I went to school with named Chris DeRitter. Chris was never on the teacher's good side, and I always felt badly for him.

Anyway, Jaden, has a hard life much like I suspect Chris DeRitter did. His parents are/ were on drugs, and he gets shuffled between both parents and both sets of grandparents. He doesn't always behave well because he doesn't always know how to.

Quinn loves Jaden. She did that first day, and she did all year. Quinn's love for him has made me really love him too.

His father -- the 28 year old young man who told Jaden on the first day of school last that he should not push Quinn off the swing ever again -- just died from heroin intoxication. I just found out today. My heart is so broken for this little boy that I can barely function. Not sure of the details, but basically he will have a long road ahead of him with custody battles and obviously a broken heart of his own. As I was reading Aaron Garrett's obituary tonight, I kept thinking about Jaden, which made me think about Quinn. Earlier today I asked Quinn if we could have Jaden over to play. I told her that Jaden is sad, and that maybe we could help. She said, "Ok. Today? How 'bout right now? Jaden is nice." It made me want to be 3.

7 Weeks

2010-08-29T09:09:00.000-07:00

I am really excited to be 7 weeks pregnant. It sounds actually pregnant and not like the test is still drying in the trash. It makes me feel like I am in the middle of it and not still at the starting gates.

I have always been self-conscious about other people knowing when I am doing something for the first time. Riding the elevator on my first day of work, I just hope no one asks me how long I've been there until I've been there a week and half and can sort of say, "A couple of weeks." I feel like most people I can relate to say they are about 5 weeks pregnant when they are in fact 4 weeks and 3 days because most people do not have the heart to say it as it is.

Whenever I hear people being brutality honest about there current moment, I think, "Wow, they have guts." And sometimes I thing, "What an idiot." I'm on the fence.

But I digress.

So, 7 weeks feel great mentally and pretty crappy physically. I have had good days and bad days. I have to eat dinner-type foods every few hours starting first thing in the morning or I get sick and can't shake it for the whole day. I throw up sometimes, but I mostly just feel sick and awful. My nose is still on fire. My bladder seems unaffected by pregnancy but highly affected by not being on my candida diet. I am not over tired, but I do get really light-headed whenever I get up. Sometimes I have to sit back down or hold on to the wall. I get some cramps, and I seem to have some crazy pains in my gal bladder.

I was just about 9 weeks with McKenna when I lifted some heavy items and started bleeding for one month. That was also the start of the end of the band, Avery left Chris, and Avery moved it. Aside from the bleeding and the fear of miscarriage, it was a really happy time. But still I hope that unless we win the lottery, 9 weeks with #3 will be a lot less eventful.

Birthing Eyes

2010-08-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

Occasionally I am just too tired to be a good mom, and it bites me in the butt later.

For example, when I started my new job and the days were so long, I had to sit and do nothing but hold my babies when I got home. Some how Quinn and I got in the habit of watching Glee reruns everyday. She liked the singing and dancing, and so it happen. Sue me. But then we watched (and fell in love with) the season finale, and this innocent little lazy mom slip up became a problem.

Quinn was obsessed with the scene where the character (whose name happens to also be Quinn) has a baby complete with screaming and pushing choreographed to Bohemian Rhapsody. Very intense, and my Quinn would ask to see it over and over again. Sometimes as a mom I just miss it. I didn't get it. I thought she liked the dancing. But turns out that Quinn likes to repeatedly re-watch things that scare her to death. I didn't understand this because I have the opposite reaction. The other night I forbid Tim to watch a special on David Blane because magic (unless written by J.K.) scares me and gives me nightmares. If someone even jokes that there will be "sawing a woman in half," (even if it were on Sesame Street), I would undoubtedly leave the room. So, anyway, I thought Quinn was interested in birth, and it turns out that this very mature scene scared and confused her. We weened the show out of our activity repertoire, and I tried to be a better mom after that.

So, the story continues. I am pregnant and really sick, and all I want to do in the evenings is sit and watch TV. I rented a moving on AppleTV last night, and I remembered that Tim bought me the movie, "The Business of Being Born" on our AppleTV when I was pregnant with McKenna. I thought it would be relaxing to watch, and there might be some parts that Quinn could watch to learn about mommies and babies.

She said, "What's this?" And I said, "Oh, look, see that is a mommy with a baby in her tummy, and she is going to have the baby soon. This is a movie about mommies having babies."
She said, "I want to watch it. Where did the mommy go! I want to watch the mommy and the baby (as the film goes on to lots of other topics and visuals.)

I finally started fast forwarding until said mommy was having her water birth. "I want to see the baby in the mommy's tummy!! That baby is on the outside."
I said, "I know. But didn't you see that baby just came out of that mommy's vagina. That is the baby that was in her tummy. Cool!" We watched a few more time, but the view was obstructed by the water in the tub.
Quinn said, "No, mommy, I want to see a mommy crying on a bed with a baby in her tummy!"

Oh, dear, if you have seen the documentary in question, you would know that this quote from Quinn would have made a great talking point for the film. But, I digress.

So, then I explained to Quinn that Mommy's screaming on a bed is pretend on TV, but these mommies are real on TV. She watched a few more births and seems to get really into it. I thought it was fine because her eyes were not wide and silent like with Glee, they were big and bright with energy and learning. (Ah, the ideal thoughts of a young mom.)

Then I said out of the blue, "Quinn do you want to see mommy having a baby come out of her tummy? Do you want to see McKenna come out of mommy's vagina?" I pulled out the iPhoto and looked for the video, which I had tastefully hidden and never watched all the way through. (I was grateful to have it, but not quite "there" yet.) We watched the video, and Quinn seemed excited to see that it was in fact mommy and daddy in the video. I sat there fascinated and excited, because, like I said, I had not seen it before. I thought it was such a miracle that when the baby came out ... in that very first moment ... it was so obviously my McKenna. I was really touched. I turned to Quinn, and I said, "Do you wanted to watch it again." (Since we have basically never seen anything once in our house.) She would not have even needed to speak because her eyes (3 year old eyes that have seen a little too much) said it all. She looked at me and so politely said, "No, thanks, that's yucks." (Or something to that effect.)

Shopping!

2010-08-25T09:35:00.001-07:00

McKenna needs a whole new wardrobe!! Quinn was only a 18-24 month/ 2T for like 3 months in the middle of the summer. Kenna shows no signs of even crossing into 2T. So, I guess it is shopping time!! I have my Old Navy cart all stocked and ready for the sale this weekend. It is like my fantasy come true. (Hand me downs also welcome, of course.)

The maternity veil

2010-08-22T18:20:00.000-07:00

My friend Heidi said in best during her second pregnancy when she said, "The maternity veil was very good to me." In other words, she had not remembered any of the horrible events and feelings that came with her first pregnancy, and so she rolled right into baby number 2 as blind as a bat. Oh, the maternity veil. Oh, how we forget.

But I think it is important to remember the facts the way they happen ... if anything ... for my future sanity and the sanity of my posterity. For example, I have already heard myself say the following things several times, "I can't believe how sick I feel. There is no way I felt this sick last time." Blah, blah, blah.

Oh, but without even cheating by checking my blog, if I think really hard, the truth surfaces. With Quinn, I remember sitting in my office EVERYDAY from WEEKS 6 to 8 with my head in the trash can. There was no throwing up yet, but that was the only place I felt safe. Then at 7 weeks I went to New Mexico for a conference. I could not eat anything, and I missed 2/3 of the event because I could not get out of bed in my hotel room. Then at 9 weeks I canceled a very important business trip and canceled an invitation to speak at an important event 4 weeks later because I could not image being able to a) write my presentation b) get to the event without dying.

The details are a little foggier with McKenna, and I really do not think I felt as sick. But I do remember that at 10 weeks with Quinn and 12 with McKenna I finally starting throwing up and it felt like I had won the lottery. Throwing up felt so much better than feeling sick all day.

So, as I sit here thinking, there is no way I would EVER sign up for this torture again ... I know that I will because I will forget it all.

Hopefully this blog, my dear friend, will keep me straight, but I fear there is no beating the maternity veil.

So sick

2010-08-21T19:56:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess it is a good sign, but I am so sick and so tired. Dear me. It is very hard to keep two little ones happy and entertained while you can only function while sleep in bed. Again, dear me. 6 weeks down. Let's do this.

Pregnant Again

2010-08-14T19:21:00.000-07:00

I'm due April 16. That is a long time to wait and worry. But seriously my children are so adorable that it is worth it of course.

So far my nose is on fire. Everything smells. Not stink but smell. Everything. I'm also pretty tired. Progesterone levels are high. Fingers crossed.

Kenna Gets Videos Too

2010-08-10T19:35:00.000-07:00

I put together this movie about Kenna in hopes that I will always remember: Her love of Shoes, how she eats bananas, how she learned to "Crawl" and how she dances.

Honesty is the best policy

2010-08-07T18:03:00.001-07:00

A friend of mine made me so sad today when she said she has to stop reading her friends' blogs because all the perfectness and happiness depresses her. I got to enlighten her to the truth** that her friends are lying.

We all do it sometimes. We show only the best pictures or only tell the happy stories. I don't blame them most of the time. It is not that I want a word for work account of a person's last crazy fight with their spouse, but a little perspective would be nice. I think a lot of people just blog about their "amazing" trip to the beach/ museum/ event/ party/ play land so they can feel better about the fact that they just spent $45.00 on the worst/ most boring/ or just mediocre afternoon ever.

I've been there. I have been in the middle of a "non-event" and think "but look at that one great picture I just got, and I could blog this and this and this." It is not on purpose. It is really a form of self-preservation and quite a perfect "Fake it 'til you make it" gesture. I get that. We all want our lives to be or feel a certain way, and that is totally ok. But I just beg everyone to remember that the grass always looks greener to the people on the other side, and it doesn't help if you are painting your grass. So give me a little honesty would you? For my dear friends' sake if nothing else.

In the spirit of honesty, might I provide an example:
I took my kids to the Highland Fling city festival today. I put the kids in the car at 8:45 (9:09 a.m. ) because we had to drive to Lehi on our way to pick up our bountiful basket (see different post). But the B.B. truck was late. We sat in the care for an hour. i was pretty sure we missed the parade, and I was going to have to tell Quinn that something else is in fact a "parade" to get her to stop begging to go to a parade. McKenna cried the whole way to the "Parade." But much to my surprise, we got a great parking spot at the end of the parade route just as the first float was driving by. McKenna screamed when the fire engine sounded its siren, and I seriously doubted my choice to come. Quinn stayed right by my side instead of running to catch candy with the other kids. What were we doing there? But eventually we crossed the street, found a neighbor, got a good seat and got into it. Quinn was catch candy like a pro and McKenna was watching, crawling, and sometimes dancing away from me. That girl really loves music. She loved the marching bands. Sometimes she would follow Quinn to try to find candy, but of course the candy was long gone by the time she got to it. So she would crawl even farther, and I would be dodging people and cheerleaders to bring her back. After the parade, I took the girls to the stage to watch some Irish Dancing. Some of it was cool, but it reminds of that line from Friends about Riverdance that Chandler says during the quiz show they do. Very funny. We ended up at the playground while I explained to Quinn why she could not bounce on the bouncy toys because we are going to do that next weekend at Alpine Days with Asher. Kenna ate some sand, and then we went to the booths to find some lunch. Quinn got to pick whatever she wanted ... she picked a root beer in a beer bottle with a cork. $2.50. It was pretty funny. I gave Kenna some of the "Spicy Juice" as we call it, and she was covered with dark brown root beer on her light pink shirt for the rest of the day. Nice. The girls danced and played back over at the main stage to a country band that Tim might have hated if he had been with us instead of at work. I cruised the arts and crafts booths in about 4 minutes, and we headed to the car. All in all, I enjoyed myself with the girls, forgot to feed Kenna, and I probably would have been really stressed if Tim had been there. I loved the idea of heading back to the event after naps and once Tim came home, but we were all so tired. (Tim and I, of course.) So now as I sit here having a perfecting pleasant evening at home with my family, I feel like I am missing out, but I think hard enough, I know I am not.

The girls watching the main stage.

McKenna watching the band.

Quinn eating a stick.

** Please note that I neglected my family a little to bring this blog post to you.

Bountiful Baskets

2010-08-07T16:45:00.000-07:00

A huge thanks to Melissa for telling me about Bountiful Baskets. I am so excited. I picked up my first basket today, and I am sold forever. Bountiful Baskets in a non-profit volunteer organization that basically finds good deals on produce from distributors and sells it to people for a small contribution. Basically today for $15 I had three huge and heavy bags full of fruits and veggies. This week the basket has: 8 or so peaches, a bag of purple seedless grapes, a cantaloupe, a tone of bananas, a dozen pears, store-sized box of strawberries, two bunches of celery, a bunch of broccoli, a head of lettuce, a small bag of carrots and 4 huge red bell peppers. Amazing. I paid $15, which is the minimum contribute, but I have decided to pay more. I would hate for something like this so go away, and so I feel like it is my duty to pay my part or more.

Also, I am looking for an Alpine neighbor to sign up to head the first B.B. site in Alpine. I am thinking we could distribute outside of city hall or Heritage park. I was going to offer my house, but then someone so kindly reminded me that that means I would need to be home every Saturday. Yikes. That is a big commitment. But, either way, I think this is exactly the volunteer thing I need right now. I feel a strong desire to do it, so we'll see how that turns out.

Also, I have every intention of uploading a picture of my goods from today, but that would involve getting up to find a wire and upload these pics. No thanks. However, if you see me on the street or if I hear you talking about fruit or food or basically anything, I will probably stop you and how you my pics as if they are gold medals. I am very proud.

Catching Up or Quitting

2010-08-04T08:44:00.000-07:00

So, don't be mad, but i might stop blogging for awhile. Not sure why, but I just have not been in the mood. Maybe I won't stop blogging, but maybe I will say good night to this blog and start another one.

Basically, I realized that i would like to go back and keep a journal. Now, realistically there is only like 1 percent difference between what I tell you all and what I tell myself, but there is that little difference. I know if I keep two ... one or both will be neglected.

So, as I type, I am coming up with a compromise. What if I agree to post my thoughts here every now and then, and then I keep another blog just for the girls -- pics, stories, momisms and the like. Then I will also keep my journal. McKenna's blog is done basically because I only intended to keep that for the first year. But since everyone's baby book should have the day they walked written in it, I guess I'll have to wait.

So much to say and so little time. But work gets in the way, and my thoughts and my desire to move my body instead of sit and type too much. It is tricky.

Any ideas?

Back to Normal

2010-07-23T08:06:00.000-07:00

So 10 days with the girls finally caught up to Tim. I think he about reached his limit a few days ago when he started sending me cute count down texts. 2 days, 1 days, 20 hours. We both learned a lot in our days apart. Mostly the following:

1. Man was not meant to be alone ... with the children
2. What in the world did I ever do to fill my time before marriage? Before kids? I thought I was so busy back then. I guess I was busy "becoming" the mom and woman I am today. Yada, yada, yada.
3. I hate dishes. I only did them once while they were away.
4. McKenna is in fact that spicey little girl we thought she might be. She officially pulls Quinn's hair on purpose and screams like a crazy person.
5. Travel money should be spent in the following order: husband and wife vacations first, parents and kids vacations second, trips with siblings and their families third, trips with an entire extended family all the way across the country without your wife and with two children ages 3 and 1 in a very hot place .... you decide.
6. My life has a lot more meaning at the end of the day if I spent it with my family.
7. I should never spend money on a handicraft ... they never turn out ... see previous post. Pictures of disaster to be posted soon.
8. I still spend too much money on small, cheap things and not enough on quality things.
9. I feel like I never want to be away from my girls again, and deep down I am scared McKenna will not remember me. This is a horrible feeling. So no girls' nights or friend vacay's for me for awhile, so don't even ask.
10. "Trauma" is a good show. (This is not a sadistic metaphor. It is a real show, and I like it.)
Bonus: It is possible to get McKenna to fall asleep away from her crib, but only Tim knows how to do it.

I am in the airport right now waiting to fly to Arizona to meet Tim and the girls. I am really excited to see them. I hope we can all just lay on the couch and just hold each other for like 5 hours. I'll be awake, and they'll probably be sleeping since they have been traveling since 2 a.m. Sounds like heaven. I hope McKenna doesn't pull my hair ...

Building Something

2010-07-18T14:43:00.000-07:00

I am not handy, and this is not changing anytime soon. And although I guess I am a creative thinker (ideas, theories and meaning), my hands lack the skills to create. However, about every 5 years I get an idea, and I become obsessed with creating the vision that is in my mind.

When I was 8 or so, I had in my mind this amazing and beautiful creation that would be a quit smoking survival kit for my dad. The large box would be raised up on a stick about 12 inches and would spin like a Lazy Susan. Each side of the box would have holes, flaps and openings for things my dad would eat or use to prevent him from smoking at any given time. The main materials for this creation were to come from my own gum ball machine. The gum ball machine would be accessible through one of the openings in the front of the box, and it would dispense jelly bellies, my dad's favorite. There would be a little shelve with life savers, openings for gum and other candy, and an emergencies only hole in the back with a pack of Marlboro's and a lighter, which I would put there so he would know I love him either way.

The final product was incredibly ugly. The glass from the gum ball machine broke during the building process and was replaced with a plastic bag or something. It was painted black with misspelled labels written in sloppy red paint. And now that I think about it, I am not sure it was refillable. But my dad kept it for a very long time.

Another time I fashioned a floppy disk file for him out of a plastic slinky and some globs of clay. (Pictured above, courtesy of my dad.)

I made a hand painted sign for a friend before she left on a life changing trip to Europe. It turned out ok. And I painted that shelf for Quinn's closet, which is super cute.

But for the most part, my creations do not usually turn out, and I don't have the patience to really do it right or fix it when it starts to go wrong. I like to start and finish in one day, which is usually not practical. I also hate to go from store to store to get supplies. Add all of this to my inexperience and my natural disability to measure, cut, draw, paint, or design, and you end up with a lot of Quit Smoking Survival Kits.

So, here we go again. I have a vision for a magic bulletin board. I think bulletin boards are really sloppy. I had bulletin board space in the office, and so now I want some in my home office. But I don't want my guest room/ office to look too much like an office. So, I have created in my head the "Wall art hidden Bulletin board." Basically, it will look like a framed piece of art work hanging on the wall over my desk, but the piece would open like shutters and expose 4 bulletin board panels where I can put cheat sheets, student info, and other fast facts I need on the phone. When I am done working, I can close the side panels and leave behind a clean looking office with a beautiful piece of art on the wall. It is a good theory and a fun idea.

1) I don't really need this because I saw a girl at academic meetings with all these papers in a binder, which is just as useful.
2) It is bound to not turn out.
3) It is bound to cost me a lot of money on it's road to not turning out.

But it is in my head and ready to go. I am trying to limit disaster by really thinking it through before I start. Anytime I make a change, I try to REALLY, REALLY think about how that will change it. I watched some videos online this morning about how to make various things like fabric covered boards and stuffed bulletin boards for photos. I figure if I study the art of the things people already do, I will be able to not botch my invention so badly.

The trick will be in the hinges and in the two end panels. The hinges have to be a little complex. Just normal hinges would prevent the boards from closing completely together once there are papers and pins on them. The hinges have to suspend the outside boards out a little further. The second tricky part is the inside side of the outside panels. I will be using a stuffed photo board technique for creating the "piece of art." But I need to do it in a way that the back side will look good when the boards are all open. Tricky, tricky.

So, I have a list of materials, a drawing of the design, a list of problems, along with zero measuring and no fabric.

Wish me luck!

Spittle Test

2010-07-18T14:40:00.000-07:00

One of the things I had to do to know if i had candida overgrowth was the spit test. I'm enclosing the directions. If you have stomach pain, bladder problems or infertility or especially a combination of these things, take it!!! You never know!!

!	FREE and EASY Candida Yeast Test

Might I have a problem with Candida Yeast?

You can try this simple test to find out.

First thing in the morning, before you put ANYTHING in your mouth, fill a clear glass with room temperature Bottled Water.

Work up a bit of saliva, then spit it into the glass of water. Check the water every 15 minutes or so for up to one hour.

If you have a potential problem, you will see strings (like legs) traveling down into the water from the saliva floating on the top, or "cloudy" saliva will sink to the bottom of the glass, or cloudy specks will seem to be suspended in the water.

If there are no strings and the saliva is still floating after at least one hour, you probably have Candida under control, and have nothing to worry about. Congratulations.

!	The Results

What can I do if the test shows positive?

First, talk this over with your health care provider, as soon as possible.

Next, contact the person that sent you to this web page, they may have some helpful specific suggestions.

Be aware that a Candida Yeast problem can be pretty difficult to deal with, especially after it has had enough time to get established and be causing you problems.

It may not be easy, and it may take a while to impact the situation, be patient, and work on it everyday.

Your good health is at stake!

New weight, new swim suit

2010-07-18T14:32:00.000-07:00

I thought I might be losing weight for the following reasons:

pants fit better
don't have to change 3 times a morning to find clothes that cover my tummy loosely
can feel where my weights is supposed to be, once was or will be in the future
I don't eat anything that taste good

That said, I was not sure what poundage we were talking about.

Then I found a new bathing suit for $20 on my trip. When i set out to buy one, i did not care if it fit. I just wanted something that would work in the hot tub at the hotel. But I feel in love with my suit. But there is the bottom line. If you love your bathing suit, you probably love your body and vice versa. The more I loved my bathing suit, the more i realized, I have probably lost a lot of weight.

Ground total as of July 15, 2010 and 8 weeks off sugar with almost NO exercise: 15 pounds!

That is hard core. But again I deserve it since everything I eat looks like a 1950's supper sans the bread. Sucks but it is great. I feel so much better in my tummy and I am loving my new bathing suit.

The Jill's

2010-07-18T14:22:00.000-07:00

All that said (previous post), I had a nice time with people at the academic meetings, and I didn't spend nearly as much time in my room as I was planning to.

I loved spending time with my new friend Jillian from Ohio and learning about her life and her family. I don't always meet a lot of people like me. I have a lot of dear, close friends who I adore. They bring deep meaning in my life, and the fact that they are different from me problem makes the friendships even stronger because we all have things to give and take and all that jazz.

But meeting Jill was really cool and really interesting. We had a lot of things in common: our thoughts, actions, attitudes, education, (same job, of course), parenting style, same illness (she has candida problems, too!). We've both faced infertility, and we scored the same on the true colors personality test. We both would both wanted to get Ph.D.'s but accepted this job instead of going back to school. Were both not sure if we regret it yet. Scared of the same things. Cared more about our families than the academic meetings. Both born with the name "Jill Marie." (I dropped Marie and she added "ian" to make it Jillian since that what people would call her anyway.) We spent a lot of time together. She was a little more laid back than I am, and then we realized this is probably because she is on Zoloft and I just weened. I was louder than her when we got in groups ... but I am louder than everyone when i get in groups .... She worries about a few more details than I do ... because I let Zoloft take that away, and I am never letting it back in. Amen.

We met at work a few days before the meetings, and then we got to talking the very first night because she had taken the trax over to the temple with her co-workers so they could go shopping a the Gateway Mall. I thought they had walked. So, when we got on the phone, and she said they were lost at the Temple (Ironic), I said, "Wow, you got there fast, I'll come meet you and walk you to the mall (3 blocks away.)" She thought I was driving. I walked ... fast ... because i figured if they walked that fast, I better do it too. When she told her group I was coming with my car and they would not all fit, most of them forged ahead accept a women with horrible blisters. (been there, done that.) So when i got there on foot and dripping from my pits, I was of little use. We left the gimp on the side of the road and head to walk BACK to the hotel. It's a long walk, and Jillian and I got to talk the whole time. Loved it. Jillian about died when she realized how far the hotel was and that I had walked there. The girl back on the street by the temple was all pissed that we were talked so long to "go get the car," which she thought was parked around the corner from the temple. Oops. Lots of misunderstandings led to lots of walking and chatting.

The next day Jillian and I headed to the mall to buy bathing suits and found way cute ones for $20 at the Gap. That is a great outing. You never find what you need when you need something specific ASAP. It was cool.

Anyway, I am excited to have a new friend. Party time every 6 months in Salt Lake City! And by party time I mean chat with our feet in the hot tub, of course. What else is there? :)

It's work; It's not camp.

2010-07-18T14:21:00.001-07:00

So, Tim and the girls left Tuesday to head to phoenix and then Maine, and I headed to SLC for a conference for work. On my drive to Salt Lake City, I told my mom I was a little nervous about going to this conference for the first time. (I'll be going every 6 months.) I told her I was a bit (only a bit) worried that any feelings I had of being lonely or insecure as a child would come back, and I could feel like the loser at camp with no friends and with a desire to be in the cool group or be accepted by others. We laughed about it, of course, because let's be real. I am an adult with a family, and I was only drive to work after all. Something I've done every day for years. But still. We were laughing about the truth.

But when I got there I felt perfectly comfortable the whole time. Granted, I did have friends there who seemed to like me and care if I was there or not, but, the irony is, I didn't need that. (And shout out to my new friend Jill from Ohio, who is really, really neat to be with!!!!)

For example, at meal times I would go through the line and get my food and sit down at any table. People would walk by and give me that sympathy look and say things like, "Oh, Jill, you should have to eat alone. I'm sitting over there, and we can squeeze you in too." I would just smile and say, "Oh, that is really sweet, but I am really perfectly happy right here. Thanks." If they insist that I can not eat alone, (even though by this time my table would be filling up with plenty of wonderful strangers,) then I would light-heartedly say, "No really. It's not camp. I'm fine, but thanks so much."

I think my, "It's not camp," perspective helped some other people feel better. (Because trust me plenty of people were having flashbacks of the elementary school yard.)

I already have teammates and a cheerleaders. They were in Maine, and I had no desire to replace them while they were gone. I didn't feel the need to change who I was or shape myself differently or go with the crowd. It was a nice feeling. I'm sure I have felt it before, but it is always nice to feel grounded and at peace. Especially since all those years of not feeling that way as a child can linger for a long time.)

On my real team everybody adores me. It's great.

Family Home Evening Journal

2010-06-23T10:29:00.000-07:00

We keep a big book in our front room. It's a journal with Jesus on the cover. Inside the book we write a short account each week of our Family Home Evening or whatever is going on instead. FHE is basically recommended family time each Monday night that helps build family unity and dedication to Jesus Christ. It is sometimes a hard commandment to obey, so a few years ago we started keeping record that we, in fact, were doing the best we could. We write something every week. For some of you, these entries will stand alone. For others, just know that these posts -- for good or bad -- represent our dedication to our way of life ... even when life sucks. They were the best of times; they were the worst of times.

Here are a few excepts from The Fellow Family FHE Journal:

March 24, 2008
Quinn is awake and with us tonight. We started with Nephi's Courage and "the isty, bitsy spider." Today we read testimonies of the prophets of Jesus Christ from a special ensign episode. It is 6:30 p.m. on a Monday night. Quinn can do some of the hand motions to "itsy, bitsy sider," and today she has pink cheeks from being out in the sub.

Dec. 1, 2008
A lesson from the new nursery manual -- "Behold your little ones. The lesson was about sharing.
We have no money. Daddy applied for a job in Arizona. It's Day 1 of our advent calendar -- so fun. Daddy taught Quinn how it works.

Dec. 15, 2008
We were in California for FHE this week. So we went out at about 6 p.m. just the 3 of us. We drove to the PV stake center. They have a wooden nativity set up in front of the church. We stood by it and talked about the baby Jesus. Quinn gave the baby kisses and tried to give him her poodle. After the lesson, we went to Yummy Yogurt and shared a small yogurt. Then we went to the library to read books.

Dec. 29, 2008
We all gathered on the bed to have family night. We were in the second verse of "Nephi's Courage," and we heard a knock at the door. Someone left a card and a gift. The gift said, "To Quinn, From a friend." It was written in kid writing. Inside was a big plastic candy cane filled with little tubs of play dough. In the card there was a $50 gift card to Smiths. We couldn't believe it. We were really touched. Someone must know we've been having a hard time. We talked about kindness and service during the rest of Family Home Evening.

Thursday, March 26, 2009
Tim's new schedule = Thursday night FHE
Quinn is in a long sweatshirt and slippers. She's running and wants us to chase her. We sang Nephi's Courage and are ready to start.
"ABC's" and now Quinn is building a "Temple" out of her blocks.
Lesson about gratitude and saying, "Thank you."

Feb. 11, 2010
Mommy and Daddy go on a date tonight, and as a family we talk about the importance of Mommy and Daddy's temple marriage.

April 26, 2010
Tim is mowing the lawn, and we are running our of time. Kenna is already in bed. Daddy is supposed to give the lesson on the holy ghost. Sometimes it is hard to obey. I think I have already snapped at Quinn twice during this family home evening attempt. We're singing and praying and mowing and trying our best.

(Get it ... It's like a Blog, but it's in a book ...)

Jill off Zoloft equals ...

2010-06-17T08:40:00.000-07:00

Likes

Michael Buble

The Season Finale of Glee

Music from American Idol Season 7

Going to Church

Dancing in the Car

A chapter and a mile a day

Romantic movies

Romantic comedies

Laughing with my sister

1 Nephi

"The man in the mirror" by MJ

Lea Michele and the crew

Maxi Dresses

Talking on the Phone

Sweet Potatoes
iPhones
Cribs (the beds with bars ... not the TV show)
Outlook
Organic food
Patio Furniture
Talking Carl
Corn tortillas
Long-sleeve shirts for sleeping in
Sleeping in

Dislikes

Canada

Getting single hairs pulled out of my head

Wind

Sweat

Dirt

Most Doctors
Getting Quinn to Brush her teeth

Gunshot-like construction noises
Cooked Cauliflower
Salsa

On the Fence

Hummus

One of my co-workers

Gardening

Working from Home

Celery
Wal-mart
Rice Cakes

It makes me happy to do it like this:

2010-06-16T20:59:00.000-07:00

1 Nephi 18:2 Now I, Nephi, did not work the timbers after the manner which was learned by men, neither did I build the ship after the manner of men; but I did build it after the manner which the Lord had shown unto me; wherefore, it was not after the manner of men.

Tricky

2010-06-15T21:04:00.000-07:00

Symptoms of Candida Die Off:
As the body works to detoxify, you may experience symptoms including dizziness, headache, “foggy” headedness, eye floaters (the little blurs in vision which can be detected when the eyeball moves back and forth), depression, anxiety, heightened anger reactions, gas & bloating, flatulence, diarrhea, constipation, joint pain, muscle pain, body aches, sore throat, general malaise, exhaustion, need for more sleep, sweating, chills, nausea, skin breakouts, or other symptoms.

Side Effects of Clomid:
Side effects may include mood swings, hot flashes, breast tenderness, thinning of the uterine lining, nausea and vomiting, visual symptoms and abnormal uterine bleeding. Some will have some lower abdominal cramps. There can also be large amounts of fluid secreted into the abdominal cavity. Sometimes the fluid can be so severe that it can cause heart or kidney failure.

Zoloft Withdrawal:
Nervous, have headaches, insomnia, night sweats and extreme tiredness.

So:
Do those all sound like a lot of the say problems? I'm just going to pretend I don't have all of these symptoms, and then I will not have to think about which issue they are coming from. Sound like a plan

McKenna's Birthday Party

2010-06-15T20:49:00.001-07:00

The invite! We had to change the date twice! Oops!

One gift to get the ball rolling. Zhu-zhu pets!

Kenna's 1 year old picture!

Birthday cupcakes with mom and Quinn.

Messy and pink

Practicing for the big event

Big girl bath

Birthday breakfast pancakes

Cake time!

Pre-party snacktime

All ready

Best gift ever!

Playing in the play house

Big Sister

Say cheese!

Party time!!

Princess Paige!

A reunion -- One year later -- all the ladies from the birth room when Kenna was born

Mommy's Birthday Girl

Happy Birthday to You!

More party time!

Gather round

Dig in!

Sharing is caring!!

One Year Later

2010-06-15T20:00:00.000-07:00

Birthday Do-over

2010-06-13T08:28:00.001-07:00

So, tomorrow is McKenna's new official birthday this year. The miscarriage seriously collided with her special day. Since we couldn't move the miscarriage, we moved the birthday.

So ... tomorrow... Happy Birthday, McKenna! We'll have mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast with fresh berries. Her party will be tomorrow night. (Family and close friends. But basically it's come one, come all. Come join us for ice cream after Family Night.) I'll be baking a way cute cake today that looks like the party invites, and I'll be buying balloons first thing in the morning.

I'm working from home tomorrow and baking brownies on my lunch break for the ice cream sundae bar. (The only kind of bar this house will ever see...) There is a stack of gifts waiting for the birthday girl, and the weather says it is going to be sunny and warm. So, we are ready to celebrate.

Plus, I already took those adorable pics of McKenna on her "real" birthday, so no pressure there!!! Love it. Happy Birthday, Kenna-boo.

So Freakin' Cute! Happy Birthday!

2010-06-08T21:39:00.001-07:00

Sad News

2010-06-08T20:43:00.001-07:00

Well, I found out today that I definitely lost the baby. It's so sad on so many levels, but what can you do?

I cried for an hour, and then I took my girls for ice cream and cupcakes for McKenna's birthday. Spending time with my girls was just what I needed. Perspective is important especially when life is sad. McKenna seemed so old today and was so much fun. I have a lot to be happy about.

Trying to get pregnant when you are moderately infertile is a big pain. It is not as emotional as it used to be because I've got two beauty queens to show for my efforts. My sister (who has lost 3 pregnancy in the last 5 years) put it best today when she said, "I just hate the feeling of having to start all over." Amen. That is how I feel. I just hate the feeling of having to start all over. And I also hate that I'll never feel the same about a positive pregnancy test again. It's the end of an era. More babies will come, but I think I lost a bit of my energy and innocence today. And so that, I believe, is the sad news.

But, of course, less innocents often equals more empathy, and that makes the world better in its own way. Perspective, again, ... I guess.

Happy Birthday, Baby

2010-06-08T20:41:00.000-07:00

McKenna turned 1 year old today!

(Technically we are not celebrating the big event until next week because I had a miscarriage yesterday and couldn't pull it off the way I think McKenna deserves.)

But I was able to pull a few things together for my little one today after all. We spent some time together as a family this morning, and Kenna opened her first gift. It was a gift bag with two Zhu-Zhu pets inside. The girls played with them in the morning. Kenna went back and worth between loving them and being just scared enough to crawl into my lap to watch them cruise around the house from a safe distance.

I was feeling better after our naps today and decided to try to really enjoy the birthday with my girls. I put together the sand and water table that Kenna got from Grammy and Grandpa John, and then, of course, we needed some ... SAND!

So, I took the girls for Ice Cream and to get some sand. We also stopped to eat very bright pink cupcakes. Quinn and I sang Happy Birthday, and McKenna dug in. I was really happy. I love my kids so much, and it meant a lot on this not so great day to be close to my angels and to show them how much I care.

As for my little 1 year old: Kenna is a new baby everyday.

She is pulling up and stand up next to things, and now that she has figured it all out, she's got guts.

Today she was very passionate about learning to climb up stairs.

She also got a new tooth, and she kept her shoes for the first time. She decided to give shoes a try so she could stand up at the water table outside without ouchy feet.

She used a spoon to eat her cupcake and then practiced eating yogurt with a spoon. I let her make a huge mess at the table, and she was so happy.

And then I put her in the bath with Quinn, and they played together and had a great time.

She ate sand today and liked it. Then she went back for more.

She turned her spider monkey crawl into a much more normal funny looking crawl, and she managed to learn to hold something in one arm while she cruises around. And for the first time today she took her bottle with her and drank along the way.

Tonight she laughed historically when I knelt down by her crib for her good night prayers. She pulled her head up to the bars and laughed out loud over and over again. She thought it was great.

She has her own soul, and she is full of love and life.

She's also like a parrot and can repeat anything I say. She says "Mama" and "Dada," and she'll try to say anything. (Quinn was very careful about not trying out a new word until she knew it would come out right.)

Kenna is her own girl. I adore her. She is cuddly, and when she wants to cuddle, she puts her head all the way over to one side and smashs her head into my chest. She rips out clips and head bands and throws them as far away as possible. She reaches up to play the piano. And once she gets playing with a toy or drawer of junk, she never looks back. She gets in her own world -- a world that I look forward to being a part of forever.

Happy Birthday, baby girl! I love you so much. You really make me feel complete and happy and full of purpose. One year ago today, you brought some crazy love into our home and made us feel like a family. You made me feel real and wonderful. Thanks, baby.

Part of the Recipe?

2010-06-07T19:23:00.000-07:00

I'm bleeding. And cramping. And I kind of want to die.

It might be a miscarriage. But it also might be the crazy thing that went down when I was 8 weeks pregnant with McKenna. I had a subchorionic bleed. I bleed for like a month. I only cramped for like a few days. Let's hope whatever is happening this time stops soon, 'cause it hurts.

There is really no way to know. Last time I had flow, clots, cramps, the whole works. Looked just like a miscarriage, but it turned into the most beautiful baby on the planet.

The spotting started yesterday. I don't have great feelings about where this is headed this time. But, again, there is no way to know. I had to go sit in the hospital for 3 hours today to get a rhogam shot for my negative blood. That always makes this seem more dramatic. Then I got home and the cramping and wanting to kill my kids also makes this seem more dramatic.

But thinking brightly. Here are a few indicators that I still might be pregnant:
1. The cramps are not so bad that I can't function ... kind of.
2. I still get really light headed every time I stand up like I have this whole (short) pregnancy.
3. I am quick to get really pissed and angry ... sure 1st trimester sign for me.
4. The flow could be worse.
5. Mild drugs take the edge off ... a little.
6. I'm not "sure" what is happening. And Kristie is always "sure" when her pregnancies are over.

So, it's not such, but it is something to hold on too.

But, again, I am not holding on that tightly.

P.S. When Quinn found out that mom was sick, and it might hurt the baby. She said, "Wait, mommy, are you talking about the baby in your tummy or McKenna?" She's got perspective. And I have the sweetest little babies.

If anyone asks, McKenna was born on June 15 and not June 8 ... at least for this year because I can not pull something together for tomorrow!!

Sisters (Mamas) on the Phone

2010-06-02T20:36:00.000-07:00

I just had the most amazing experience ever. My sister called at like 8 p.m. tonight. I was hanging out with Tim, but I answered because she never calls at that time. I thought maybe her water had broken. I answered, "Are you all wet?"

She was dry, but we started talking and laughing the way that only she and I can. An hour and a half later, my phone was on its last minute of battery. I said, "If we get cut off, it was not because of something you said." We laughed, of course.

Two minutes later in the middle of let another story, she takes a deep breath in and says, "Oh my! What? Wait!" I sat there silent. She was making little confused thinking noises. Than I said, "Did your water just break?" She said, "Ah, hold on, ah, I don't, ah ... yeah." I started freaking out. Then she was like, "No, wait. Maybe it's pee. I'm so confused. Ah, its a little wet on the floor. I don't know. Sometimes I stand up and maybe I'm still peeing. Oh, my floor is definitely wet."

I said, "Was there a gush? Is it still leaking? If the floor is wet, your water broke. This is happening."

She said, "We'll wait. Let me think. I don't know."

It went on like that for awhile. Like 10 minutes.

I was laughing my head off. (Some of the quotes have to stay between sisters.)

Finally she conceded that she was in fact wet and getting wetter by the minute. She said, "Yeah, I think I need to go call my mom."

And she finished with, "Oh, and maybe this major cramp is another indicator."

I can't wait for Riley Grace to get here. I can't wait to meet her. I wish I was on a plane. I should probably get on a plane. I can't take this!!

Dirty Baby

2010-05-31T14:45:00.000-07:00

Tim got home early today because of the Memorial Day. He was on the floor playing with Kenna. I heard him say to her, "Wow, Kenna, you've really put this sweater through the ringer this week." It, of course, was covered in food, dirt and other goop. I looked up and said, "Yeah, I just took that out of the dryer 4 hours ago."

He grimaced.

I laughed.

Quinn, where should the new baby sleep?

2010-05-30T11:02:00.000-07:00

... um, in a nest like Mary had her little baby in a nest.

Positive Pregnancy Test!!

2010-05-29T21:09:00.000-07:00

Sorry if you didn't get a personal phone call from me with the big news. But a girl's got to blog when a girl's got to blog!!

I couldn't wait. I'm really excited. I love positive pregnancy tests. LOVE THEM! They are my crack. I Love babies. I Love hating pregnancy. I Love giving birth. I Love making our family bigger. I Love hearing Quinn say, "Mommy's got nother baby in her tummy." I love baby clothes from Old Navy. The fun just never ends. I even like baby poop. So, again, I (we) are thrilled to welcome #3. We openly prefer baby girls, but all genders all welcome for politically correct purposes!

So, it was a little dramatic today. I took about 10 tests. (Only a little embarrassed to say that I buy cheap tests and take them ALL the time, and my favorite website is Peeonastick.com). But today I was having trouble with my cheap, crappy pregnancy tests that I have shipped to me in packs of 25. Negative. Positive. Negative. They could not decide. After about an hour of reviewing the evidence under the bright bathroom light and even climbing on the vanity to get closer to the light to minimize shadows and decide if there was actually a pink, positive line there .... I realized I needed to throw a vest over my PJ's and go to Smiths to buy "soap." This is what I told Tim even though he was fully aware of the way too many details of the urgent situation.

Most of the tests at Smiths were locked in the closed Pharmacy. It is a good thing I am confident because I just walked right up to customer service and said, "I need a pregnancy test." Then I avoided all the lines that had my neighbors in them (3 lines). And then, like any normal, half-crazy person, I walked right into the Smiths bathroom to get my bad news ASAP (so I would know how many more to buy to take home, of course). I waited the whole 3 minutes, which I never do, and I had a great surprise waiting for me. There was a big plus sign. Positive. Baby is coming in early February.

I guess the story I just told completely negates what I said about not having had time this attempt to become a crazy person. He, he.

So it took 11 months to conceive baby #3, but most of these months were while I was nursing and not officially menstrating. Three of the months were on clomid: the miracle drug. All things considered this was my fasted success. Not sure if it was the Zoloft or my mellow old age, but I never even had a chance to rant or freak out about infertility this time around. (I guess the story I just told completely negates the idea of me not being crazy.)This makes me a little sad in hindsight because I have made amazing friends during my infertile past and been an important support for people going through infertility scares and problems. I truly love all my infertile friends. I think about you, pray for you, and regularly pray that I will remember the pain I have felt so that I can be a better friend to you.

On to the details of this pregnancy: So far this pregnancy has been ... oh, well, about 5 hours long ... But really I already have important things to write down.

This past week I was so tired that I wanted to die. I thought it was the Candida diet, but it was exactly like the week before I found out I was pregnant with Quinn! I remember that week so clearly because it was the week I had to collect all of my data for my master's thesis. I needed to be on my "A" game, but instead I was pretty much asleep. Also with Quinn, I showed signs of my body not reacting well to the extra blood flow that occurs in your body when you first become pregnant. My heart would pound or skip beats. And this week I was really lightheaded, which is another symptom of the extra blood flow. I kept having to stop and hold onto walls and try to not fall over!

So, although I've been pregnant for about 5 minutes, it is going more like Quinn's pregnancy, which is good because McKenna's pregnancy was a nightmare. (Subcorionic Bleeding, antepartum depression, most active baby ever, more stretch makes, no sleep, sore hips) But to McKenna's credit, her birth was beautiful, she is a miracle, and I am really passionate about her. I loved the experience of becoming so passionate about her name that I fought for it for months! I loved how that pregnancy healed a lot of band pain for our little family. I loved my Zoloft and all the important life lessons I learned from having several months with no anxiety, worry or stress.

On that note, I am weening from Zoloft so that it can not poison my new baby. I can already feel a little drama creeping back into my life, and I kind of like it.

Yay for a new baby and a new experience!! Thanks for reading, friends!

News Report on Zoloft

2010-05-29T08:11:00.000-07:00

Fox News: Feb. 10, 2010
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,587155,00.html?sPage=fnc/health/pregnancy

NEW YORK — When pregnant women take antidepressants, it sometimes causes their babies to hit developmental milestones late, Danish researchers reported on Monday.However, the delays—up to one month—still place the toddlers within the normal range of development.

"These drugs have an effect on the fetus' brain," said Dr. Lars Henning Pedersen, who worked on the study. But, he said, the delays "may not matter for the child at all." Pedersen, from Aarhus University Hospital in Denmark, spoke to Reuters Health in a telephone interview.

Today, as many as one in six pregnant women in the US are diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and most are treated with antidepressants such as Prozac, Zoloft or Paxil.

The brain chemical targeted by these drugs—called serotonin—is involved in a host of biologic functions, from mood, to attention, to appetite and general brain development.

While medicines that ratchet up serotonin levels help dampen depressive symptoms, it is not well understood how a human fetus reacts to such drugs, or how long their potential effects last. In the lab, for example, scientists have found that antidepressants given to a pregnant rat stifle the natural exploratory behavior of her offspring well into adulthood.

For their study, published in the journal Pediatrics, Pedersen and his colleagues tapped into a nation-wide Danish database

of more than 100,000 pregnancies.

They identified some 400 women who took antidepressants during pregnancy as well as nearly 500 who were not on medication despite being depressed. Based on the women's own reports, the researchers then compared how many children in each group hit developmental milestones such as sitting without support, looking after sounds and venting irritation.

At six months, the only differences between babies were seen in their gross movements. Among babies exposed to antidepressants in the second or third semester, 26 percent were able to sit on their own, compared to 30 percent of those not exposed.

The exposed toddlers took an average of 16 days longer to learn how to sit, after adjusting for maternal age, breast feeding and other factors. They also started walking about 29 days later.

At 19 months, the movement differences had vanished, although the exposed children were slightly worse at occupying themselves without calling out for attention.

Despite the concerns raised by these findings, which add to earlier reports of increased pain sensitivity and risk of heart problems in babies exposed to antidepressants in the womb, experts say that pregnant women with depression should not necessarily avoid antidepressants.

First, the new study could not say whether women who took medicine had been more depressed at first, even if they turned out to have fewer symptoms after treatment.

Second, untreated depression in itself has been tied to infant health problems such as irritability and lack of attentiveness. And third, the mother's well being is at stake, too.

"This paper adds to a growing literature that prenatal antidepressant exposure is not risk free," developmental pediatrician Dr. Tim Oberlander of the University of British Columbia told Reuters Health. He added that although there are many treatment options available, including psychotherapy, "there are going to be women who do need medication."

"It's really a question of balancing benefits and risks to the mother and child," he said.

The latest guidelines from The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists and the American Psychiatric Association recommend that pregnant women consult an ob-gyn and a psychiatrist before deciding on treatment.

Pedersen said he backed those recommendations, but that he would like to see more large studies exploring how exposed babies fare later in life. His team plans to do one such study

once the Danish kids, who are now 12 years and younger, reach their teens.

Blow Torch

2010-05-23T18:57:00.000-07:00

We went to Mike and Sue's to celebrate Sue's "big" birthday.

Mike lit the 24 candles on the small cake with a blow torch!! I was cracking up. What a crazy person. It took forever to get them all lit because the "blowing" would blow out one side while he tried to light the other side. By the end, all the candles were half their original hieght with big colored wax puddles at the base of each candle.

I was cracking. Seemed like something that would happen on TV.

Deep Thoughts by Kristie Quinn Fellow

2010-05-23T18:47:00.000-07:00

Quinn and I were playing Candy Land the other day, and she wanted to go 4 yellow squares instead of 2. When I suggested she just go two, she said with a serious face and a quiet voice, "No Mom. Jesus wants me to go that way.

I asked Quinn who we should invite to McKenna's birthday party if we have one at our house. She said, "Not too much peoples mom so our house will not get broken."

I recently told Quinn the story of Noah's ark. She came upstairs today with a picture she drew of ... an ark. Looked exactly like a simple, empty ark. She started correcting us when we called it Noah's Ark. "It's just a picture of the Ark. Noah's not in the picture. No animals either. It's just the ark." She was talking to me like I am thick in the head. "'Cause Noah and the animals are hard to draw."

I am not sure when she got this good and expressing her thoughts, but it is blowing us away.