Crazy Baby Dreams

Infertility really messed me up.

I dreamed last night that I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. I went crazy! I was so happy. I jumped up and down. I screamed and cried. I can't remember the last time something that wonderful happen to me. I remember being so happy about the baby coming and even happier that I was officially fertile. Have sex, get pregnant, fertile. Like everybody else.

In the dream I told my friends Heather and Lizza that I was pregnant. I was literally jumping up and down. And then while I was telling them, I realized that I was still asleep. It had occurred to me at other times in the dream that I was asleep, but I did things to make sure I was awake. But at this point in the dream, I realize that those things deceived me, and I was in fact, not awake or at least had not been awake for the P test.

Like any normal dreaming crazy infertile person, the next stage of the dream is me finding another test and trying to take it so I can get all happy again. I head to my friend Heidi's house so I can use her bathroom and use the test that I was carrying in my purse (like a crazy person.)

I have this dream every couple of nights. The longest and most detailed part of the dream is the little line appearing on the test. It is magical.

When I wake up in real life, I am not pregnant, and I am sad.

Infertility really messed me up.

'Cause yesterday, I had some very clear thoughts such as, "Maybe I only want 2 kids." "I am really happy with just two." "If I have a third, there is no rush. We're cool right now."

And then last night, I am exposing to myself that my deepest desire is to get pregnant. But is it really to get pregnant and have a baby or to just have a sign that my body is going to stop playing tricks on me? To get what I want, when I want it? Even if I don't really want it right now? Maybe I still feel scared from all the waiting I did for my angels. And the stubborn side of me whats it now just for the sake of getting it now. Or do I really want another baby right now? With Quinn I was dying for McKenna to come when Quinn was only 3 weeks old (like a crazy person.)

Not sure. Because in this dream last night and in the past I was equally delighted to have the baby comng AND to not be infertile even though I was fully aware that I have a 2 month old at home.

Does everyone feel so conflicted about their family planning?

I know we all have our issues, but, man, really, infertility messed me UP!!