Paradox

Paradox 

I am a paradox, and I know it. I hate when people tell me what to do, but I am constantly looking to others for an example of who to be. The truth is I don't know who I want to be, and I never have known. In fact, I'm shocked that so many people around me are so self assured about who they are and what they want. I've always wanted to try every sport. And I've always been shocked that they are all so hard. What keeps someone playing one sport when it is so hard? I have had times in my life when I felt like i had landed. Times when I found something I loved. Cheerleading is one. Leaving Utah is one. Becoming a journalist is one. My wedding dress is one. And my wedding flowers, which I loved. Not wearing make up is one. Healing with yoga instead on doctors is one. So, there are things I know and things I love and things that make me feel like me. But there is a shore of things I don't understand and I don't know. I don't want anyone to tell me what to do, but I am desperate to figure out what to do and how other people are doing it. It also turns out I am stubborn, and I am also prone to doubt everything. I have been known to doubt the basics of life and family that everyone, everywhere seems to value so strongly. I wonder if other people doubt and just pretend they don't. It is not a horrible approach to pretend a little. Fake  it until you make it is real. For example -- love versus hate. Most of us agree that loving will bring so much more joy than hating. So, it is sometimes critical to fill a space or a person with love even if your heart is screaming otherwise. And it usually works. You get what you give. Give love and get love back. But I'm still a doubter, and it is a major weight on me and it makes it so hard to focus on the here and now. I've known this for a long time, and I try to set up a life that is conducive to change and chaos because how I feel about life and what I know to be true is also always changing and somewhat chaotic. I woke up this morning with so much doubt. Doubt in my church. Doubt in my husband. Doubt in my life. Doubt in myself.  I resented anyone who has ever told me what to do and anyone who has not given me a better idea. It was a hard moment. I feel a little better know. But it will happen again. It's part of who I am. It's part of the paradox. I am never sure. I think in some ways a vacation town is good for me. When people are on vacation, they just exist without too much pondering or too much doubt. That's an energy that balances me a little. And yet vacations are a paradox too because we can't rest if we don't work. I'm ok with working hard in my mind. I will always re-evaluate. I'm a re-evaluator. It is hard work. Every  now and then I get a vacation. Today was not that day. But peace will come as it always does. Church helps. Talking to my sweetheart helps. Listening to my children laughing helps. I sometimes take time to have no more assumptions. I just start over and re-decide. Lizza did it for me today. I love 2 year olds and their little voices and sweet smiles. That's true. I know that. And everything else I can pretty much build back up around that one simple truth. What happens when in stop having 2 year olds. I guess I just can't. 

:)