When I was little, I didn't like to kill bugs. Actually, I didn't like to kill anything ... bugs, snails, worms, bees. I have always been very sensitive, but don't give me too much credit. I wasn't sparing the little critters because I didn't want them to die, exactly. I was sparing them because it was very obvious to me that if you kill one, then all of its friends and family will have to come gather around the body for the funeral, and that is just trouble. I was sensitive enough to know that bugs had friends and family who would of course come to the funeral, but I was not sensitive enough to consider that the bug itself would want to live and so on and so on.
Today I sat down during nap time ready to work. I felt a sense of peace that I wouldn't have to get up 5 or 6 times to let the cat out because we do not have a cat anymore. (Don't tell Tim.) But all of a sudden 2 flies started swarming me. Dear me. That is not cool. I worked very hard to ignore them. I knew I was not in a good position to give 'em a good swat. But then I felt empowered, and I stood up. I grabbed a nice hard object...mass media history textbook. I waited. Finally a fly attacked my ear, and I followed it. It handed on the sliding glass door right next to its friend. They couldn't have been in a more perfect spot, and I couldn't have had a more perfect weapon. It rocked. SLAM. DEAD. I texted Tim immediately to share my joy, and he called right away for the details.
But then in happen. The funeral. There are 5 more bugs flying around.
I am humbled. Poor bugs. I don't have the heart to kill these funeral goers. They remind me of death. They make me sad. They remind me that somewhere inside me I still believe that all animals can think and that they all feel pain the way I do. You'd think that more people would figure that out. If not about animals, you'd think we could at least figure it out about each other.
Don't hurt people. Even if you hurt. Don't hurt people.
And never step on snails. That's just gross. And not very nice. And as you all know, it doesn't leave you with fewer snails in the end at all.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Eternally Women
I rant about how much I love being a women and how I am pretty sure most women do too.
I love being a woman. I love it. I love the warm feelings in my soul that steer me toward motherhood, make me cry, make me serve, make me love. I love being soft and caring and spiritual. I'm very comfortable in my skin. I'm passionate about womens rights. I believe that women should be able to to whatever they want and become whatever they want. We should not be judged for having or not having children. We should not be judge for working or not working. We should get treated like queens everywhere we go -- home, office, school, doctor's office, traffic school -- anywhere.
In some ways the world disagrees right now about gay marriage and other gender issues, but when I look at every women I know from all over the world, I see women cherishing womanhood and motherhood in their own way. I see cooperate women quiting their jobs to stay home with their children and other working moms balancing everything because they know it is with their little ones that they actually get the most happiness. The media has been trying to tell us for years that women are trying be men and that no one wants children and blah, blah, blah. It just isn't true. We have it built in us. We are eternal mothers. It brings us joy. It is who we are. Women all over the women feel this.
A few years ago a book came out that followed several high profile female CEO's who decided after many years of climbing to the top that they wanted to stay home and have children. The book explains that this group of women was the first generation to rise to the top of the work place after feminism paved the way. Yet, they wanted to come home. A reporter interviewing the women about the book was quite rude and implied that these women were turning their back on the work that women's liberators had done for them. But the women kindly explained that women's liberation was about giving women choices, and they were choosing.
I think of my Aunt Sue who has a masters in chemical engineering or something crazy but gets all the joy she needs by taking her kids to a slick track go-Kart place. She jumps in a Kart and bonds with her kids in a way that is beautiful and unique to her. At the save time my neighbor beams with joy at having her daughter and other young girls in town join her for knitting after school once a week. We are maternal and womanly in our own ways, but I believe the framework is the same ... and the framework is awesome.
I love being a women. I love my choices and my instincts. And I believe that most women feel the same. The details are different, but the feelings are the same.
I love being a woman. I love it. I love the warm feelings in my soul that steer me toward motherhood, make me cry, make me serve, make me love. I love being soft and caring and spiritual. I'm very comfortable in my skin. I'm passionate about womens rights. I believe that women should be able to to whatever they want and become whatever they want. We should not be judged for having or not having children. We should not be judge for working or not working. We should get treated like queens everywhere we go -- home, office, school, doctor's office, traffic school -- anywhere.
In some ways the world disagrees right now about gay marriage and other gender issues, but when I look at every women I know from all over the world, I see women cherishing womanhood and motherhood in their own way. I see cooperate women quiting their jobs to stay home with their children and other working moms balancing everything because they know it is with their little ones that they actually get the most happiness. The media has been trying to tell us for years that women are trying be men and that no one wants children and blah, blah, blah. It just isn't true. We have it built in us. We are eternal mothers. It brings us joy. It is who we are. Women all over the women feel this.
A few years ago a book came out that followed several high profile female CEO's who decided after many years of climbing to the top that they wanted to stay home and have children. The book explains that this group of women was the first generation to rise to the top of the work place after feminism paved the way. Yet, they wanted to come home. A reporter interviewing the women about the book was quite rude and implied that these women were turning their back on the work that women's liberators had done for them. But the women kindly explained that women's liberation was about giving women choices, and they were choosing.
I think of my Aunt Sue who has a masters in chemical engineering or something crazy but gets all the joy she needs by taking her kids to a slick track go-Kart place. She jumps in a Kart and bonds with her kids in a way that is beautiful and unique to her. At the save time my neighbor beams with joy at having her daughter and other young girls in town join her for knitting after school once a week. We are maternal and womanly in our own ways, but I believe the framework is the same ... and the framework is awesome.
I love being a women. I love my choices and my instincts. And I believe that most women feel the same. The details are different, but the feelings are the same.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Not Much to Say but Lots to Do
I've suddenly become a woman of few words. I have nothing to write and not much to say. It happens to me with pregnancy. I go into auto pilot. Maybe it comes from peace of mind. Not sure. But when I'm pregnant, I don't have much to say.
Well, not much.
Pregnant or not, you all know one of my favorite topics is infertility. It's not my favorite thing by any means, but it really is a topic I care about because it sucks so badly and has so many dead ends for the people involved. So in between teaching 9 classes and trying not to barf all day, I am trying to create a way to help people who are still hoping to become mothers (for the first time or again.)
I've written in the past about some of the intrinsic emotional problems with infertility. Loneliness, fear, anger, jealousy, lack of knowledge, insensitive neighbors and the list goes on. There are Web sites and people out there that try to tackle some of these, but I've decided that the thing women need most that can actually be offered is support and help when it comes to getting medical help.
I believe that women deserve medical attention and care WHENEVER they feel they need it. Most women are told to try for at least a year before they call the doctor. By this point, though, some women get so messed up in the head that the medical process becomes almost too much to bare even though they want the help so badly. Women should be able to call after three months of trying to conceive and say, "My gut tells me something is wrong" or "I don't want to wait another minute." If doctors can do something, they should. When I look at the crazy job infertility does on a women's emotions, and therefore entire life, I see that there is no reason she should be ask to wait for help or support. I hate to be crude, but if a man wanted Viagra, he would not have to prove he'd tried for a year or anything else. He would just get what he wants. Well, I believe Clomid is at least that important to some women. I wanted a baby a year ago, and there is no good reason that I should have had to wait if I didn't want to. Clomid got me pregnant now. It could have gotten me pregnant then. Why the wait? Obviously the doctors have some reason, but I do not accept their reasons because I do not think that it balances appropriately with the pain that it causes women.
Whoa! Deep breath. With that said, I am currently working with a few friends and doctors to create a support system to get women the medical care they need when they want it. When women want a baby and can't get one, they become so emotional that they often can't stand up for themselves, ask the right questions or insist that they get what they deserve from doctors and nurses. This organization will find advocates for women who can help them find the right doctor, make an appointment, deal with insurance, ask the right questions, and put up a fight (when it needs to happen.) When I, personally, help other people, I can think so much more clearly. When they help me, it is the same, but the very nature of infertility is that women become crazy people trying to help themselves. And that, by nature, is problematic.
There is a lot to it, and it will take a lot of time. But I am pretty dedicated. When I got pregnant with Quinn (after more pain then I thought I could ever bare), I prayed that I would never forget the pain and that I would be able to help people who felt that same pain. I think I sort of forgot (a little) with time, and wham.... it started all over again. This time I am serious: I will not forget. I feel like I have enough time invested in this issue that I can't just turn my back. Plus, I love so many people who are involved.
So, the organization will be called Baby Bump in the Road, and you will all be hearing more about it. I have the design for the Web site ready to go, and I am looking for a generous Web master who has an infertile wife and a desire to serve. I already have the blogger name, and I might just launch a temporary site soon as a souped-up blog.
So, really if it were not for infertility, I would have nothing to say right now. Good thing I didn't get pregnant the first time I tried or else I would be very boring.
If you know someone who would benefit from Baby Bump in the Road right now, please just have them email me at jillfellow@gmail.com, and I will get them set up ASAP. Again, I am not a big fan of waiting... for anything.
Help Wanted:
Web designer
Logo designer
Women who have experienced the craziness of infertility
Doctors who want to learn to be more sensitive and write a lot of prescriptions
T-shirt makers (we wear our issues on our sleeves at Baby Bump)
People who can make bracelets out of embroidery thread
Donors to pay for the site server.
To "Apply" email me at jillfellow@gmail.com
Well, not much.
Pregnant or not, you all know one of my favorite topics is infertility. It's not my favorite thing by any means, but it really is a topic I care about because it sucks so badly and has so many dead ends for the people involved. So in between teaching 9 classes and trying not to barf all day, I am trying to create a way to help people who are still hoping to become mothers (for the first time or again.)
I've written in the past about some of the intrinsic emotional problems with infertility. Loneliness, fear, anger, jealousy, lack of knowledge, insensitive neighbors and the list goes on. There are Web sites and people out there that try to tackle some of these, but I've decided that the thing women need most that can actually be offered is support and help when it comes to getting medical help.
I believe that women deserve medical attention and care WHENEVER they feel they need it. Most women are told to try for at least a year before they call the doctor. By this point, though, some women get so messed up in the head that the medical process becomes almost too much to bare even though they want the help so badly. Women should be able to call after three months of trying to conceive and say, "My gut tells me something is wrong" or "I don't want to wait another minute." If doctors can do something, they should. When I look at the crazy job infertility does on a women's emotions, and therefore entire life, I see that there is no reason she should be ask to wait for help or support. I hate to be crude, but if a man wanted Viagra, he would not have to prove he'd tried for a year or anything else. He would just get what he wants. Well, I believe Clomid is at least that important to some women. I wanted a baby a year ago, and there is no good reason that I should have had to wait if I didn't want to. Clomid got me pregnant now. It could have gotten me pregnant then. Why the wait? Obviously the doctors have some reason, but I do not accept their reasons because I do not think that it balances appropriately with the pain that it causes women.
Whoa! Deep breath. With that said, I am currently working with a few friends and doctors to create a support system to get women the medical care they need when they want it. When women want a baby and can't get one, they become so emotional that they often can't stand up for themselves, ask the right questions or insist that they get what they deserve from doctors and nurses. This organization will find advocates for women who can help them find the right doctor, make an appointment, deal with insurance, ask the right questions, and put up a fight (when it needs to happen.) When I, personally, help other people, I can think so much more clearly. When they help me, it is the same, but the very nature of infertility is that women become crazy people trying to help themselves. And that, by nature, is problematic.
There is a lot to it, and it will take a lot of time. But I am pretty dedicated. When I got pregnant with Quinn (after more pain then I thought I could ever bare), I prayed that I would never forget the pain and that I would be able to help people who felt that same pain. I think I sort of forgot (a little) with time, and wham.... it started all over again. This time I am serious: I will not forget. I feel like I have enough time invested in this issue that I can't just turn my back. Plus, I love so many people who are involved.
So, the organization will be called Baby Bump in the Road, and you will all be hearing more about it. I have the design for the Web site ready to go, and I am looking for a generous Web master who has an infertile wife and a desire to serve. I already have the blogger name, and I might just launch a temporary site soon as a souped-up blog.
So, really if it were not for infertility, I would have nothing to say right now. Good thing I didn't get pregnant the first time I tried or else I would be very boring.
If you know someone who would benefit from Baby Bump in the Road right now, please just have them email me at jillfellow@gmail.com, and I will get them set up ASAP. Again, I am not a big fan of waiting... for anything.
Help Wanted:
Web designer
Logo designer
Women who have experienced the craziness of infertility
Doctors who want to learn to be more sensitive and write a lot of prescriptions
T-shirt makers (we wear our issues on our sleeves at Baby Bump)
People who can make bracelets out of embroidery thread
Donors to pay for the site server.
To "Apply" email me at jillfellow@gmail.com
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Change of Heart
Call me crazy, but I am feeling a change of heart today. Nothing has really changed, but the crushing feeling disappeared.
It must be Jesus.
And cognitive dissonance.
It must be Jesus.
And cognitive dissonance.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
It's raining. It's pooring.
I'm still very happy about being pregnant.
But I feel like the rain never stops.
The bills are crushing me.
I can't breathe.
$350.00 leaky toilet.
$85.00 speeding ticket.
$150 daycare.
$0 in the account.
I kind of want to quit.
But what would I be quiting?
I guess all the important things are perfectly in check. My marriage is eternal. Nothing else will really matter in the end.
But I still can't breathe.
The bills are crushing me.
I'm going to take more time to smell the hand-ground, homemade bread.
I hope it doesn't make me barf.
But I feel like the rain never stops.
The bills are crushing me.
I can't breathe.
$350.00 leaky toilet.
$85.00 speeding ticket.
$150 daycare.
$0 in the account.
I kind of want to quit.
But what would I be quiting?
I guess all the important things are perfectly in check. My marriage is eternal. Nothing else will really matter in the end.
But I still can't breathe.
The bills are crushing me.
I'm going to take more time to smell the hand-ground, homemade bread.
I hope it doesn't make me barf.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
