Tim got home early today because of the Memorial Day. He was on the floor playing with Kenna. I heard him say to her, "Wow, Kenna, you've really put this sweater through the ringer this week." It, of course, was covered in food, dirt and other goop. I looked up and said, "Yeah, I just took that out of the dryer 4 hours ago."
He grimaced.
I laughed.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Positive Pregnancy Test!!
Sorry if you didn't get a personal phone call from me with the big news. But a girl's got to blog when a girl's got to blog!!
I couldn't wait. I'm really excited. I love positive pregnancy tests. LOVE THEM! They are my crack. I Love babies. I Love hating pregnancy. I Love giving birth. I Love making our family bigger. I Love hearing Quinn say, "Mommy's got nother baby in her tummy." I love baby clothes from Old Navy. The fun just never ends. I even like baby poop. So, again, I (we) are thrilled to welcome #3. We openly prefer baby girls, but all genders all welcome for politically correct purposes!
So, it was a little dramatic today. I took about 10 tests. (Only a little embarrassed to say that I buy cheap tests and take them ALL the time, and my favorite website is Peeonastick.com). But today I was having trouble with my cheap, crappy pregnancy tests that I have shipped to me in packs of 25. Negative. Positive. Negative. They could not decide. After about an hour of reviewing the evidence under the bright bathroom light and even climbing on the vanity to get closer to the light to minimize shadows and decide if there was actually a pink, positive line there .... I realized I needed to throw a vest over my PJ's and go to Smiths to buy "soap." This is what I told Tim even though he was fully aware of the way too many details of the urgent situation.
Most of the tests at Smiths were locked in the closed Pharmacy. It is a good thing I am confident because I just walked right up to customer service and said, "I need a pregnancy test." Then I avoided all the lines that had my neighbors in them (3 lines). And then, like any normal, half-crazy person, I walked right into the Smiths bathroom to get my bad news ASAP (so I would know how many more to buy to take home, of course). I waited the whole 3 minutes, which I never do, and I had a great surprise waiting for me. There was a big plus sign. Positive. Baby is coming in early February.
I guess the story I just told completely negates what I said about not having had time this attempt to become a crazy person. He, he.
So it took 11 months to conceive baby #3, but most of these months were while I was nursing and not officially menstrating. Three of the months were on clomid: the miracle drug. All things considered this was my fasted success. Not sure if it was the Zoloft or my mellow old age, but I never even had a chance to rant or freak out about infertility this time around. (I guess the story I just told completely negates the idea of me not being crazy.)This makes me a little sad in hindsight because I have made amazing friends during my infertile past and been an important support for people going through infertility scares and problems. I truly love all my infertile friends. I think about you, pray for you, and regularly pray that I will remember the pain I have felt so that I can be a better friend to you.
On to the details of this pregnancy: So far this pregnancy has been ... oh, well, about 5 hours long ... But really I already have important things to write down.
This past week I was so tired that I wanted to die. I thought it was the Candida diet, but it was exactly like the week before I found out I was pregnant with Quinn! I remember that week so clearly because it was the week I had to collect all of my data for my master's thesis. I needed to be on my "A" game, but instead I was pretty much asleep. Also with Quinn, I showed signs of my body not reacting well to the extra blood flow that occurs in your body when you first become pregnant. My heart would pound or skip beats. And this week I was really lightheaded, which is another symptom of the extra blood flow. I kept having to stop and hold onto walls and try to not fall over!
So, although I've been pregnant for about 5 minutes, it is going more like Quinn's pregnancy, which is good because McKenna's pregnancy was a nightmare. (Subcorionic Bleeding, antepartum depression, most active baby ever, more stretch makes, no sleep, sore hips) But to McKenna's credit, her birth was beautiful, she is a miracle, and I am really passionate about her. I loved the experience of becoming so passionate about her name that I fought for it for months! I loved how that pregnancy healed a lot of band pain for our little family. I loved my Zoloft and all the important life lessons I learned from having several months with no anxiety, worry or stress.
On that note, I am weening from Zoloft so that it can not poison my new baby. I can already feel a little drama creeping back into my life, and I kind of like it.
Yay for a new baby and a new experience!! Thanks for reading, friends!
I couldn't wait. I'm really excited. I love positive pregnancy tests. LOVE THEM! They are my crack. I Love babies. I Love hating pregnancy. I Love giving birth. I Love making our family bigger. I Love hearing Quinn say, "Mommy's got nother baby in her tummy." I love baby clothes from Old Navy. The fun just never ends. I even like baby poop. So, again, I (we) are thrilled to welcome #3. We openly prefer baby girls, but all genders all welcome for politically correct purposes!
So, it was a little dramatic today. I took about 10 tests. (Only a little embarrassed to say that I buy cheap tests and take them ALL the time, and my favorite website is Peeonastick.com). But today I was having trouble with my cheap, crappy pregnancy tests that I have shipped to me in packs of 25. Negative. Positive. Negative. They could not decide. After about an hour of reviewing the evidence under the bright bathroom light and even climbing on the vanity to get closer to the light to minimize shadows and decide if there was actually a pink, positive line there .... I realized I needed to throw a vest over my PJ's and go to Smiths to buy "soap." This is what I told Tim even though he was fully aware of the way too many details of the urgent situation.
Most of the tests at Smiths were locked in the closed Pharmacy. It is a good thing I am confident because I just walked right up to customer service and said, "I need a pregnancy test." Then I avoided all the lines that had my neighbors in them (3 lines). And then, like any normal, half-crazy person, I walked right into the Smiths bathroom to get my bad news ASAP (so I would know how many more to buy to take home, of course). I waited the whole 3 minutes, which I never do, and I had a great surprise waiting for me. There was a big plus sign. Positive. Baby is coming in early February.
I guess the story I just told completely negates what I said about not having had time this attempt to become a crazy person. He, he.
So it took 11 months to conceive baby #3, but most of these months were while I was nursing and not officially menstrating. Three of the months were on clomid: the miracle drug. All things considered this was my fasted success. Not sure if it was the Zoloft or my mellow old age, but I never even had a chance to rant or freak out about infertility this time around. (I guess the story I just told completely negates the idea of me not being crazy.)This makes me a little sad in hindsight because I have made amazing friends during my infertile past and been an important support for people going through infertility scares and problems. I truly love all my infertile friends. I think about you, pray for you, and regularly pray that I will remember the pain I have felt so that I can be a better friend to you.
On to the details of this pregnancy: So far this pregnancy has been ... oh, well, about 5 hours long ... But really I already have important things to write down.
This past week I was so tired that I wanted to die. I thought it was the Candida diet, but it was exactly like the week before I found out I was pregnant with Quinn! I remember that week so clearly because it was the week I had to collect all of my data for my master's thesis. I needed to be on my "A" game, but instead I was pretty much asleep. Also with Quinn, I showed signs of my body not reacting well to the extra blood flow that occurs in your body when you first become pregnant. My heart would pound or skip beats. And this week I was really lightheaded, which is another symptom of the extra blood flow. I kept having to stop and hold onto walls and try to not fall over!
So, although I've been pregnant for about 5 minutes, it is going more like Quinn's pregnancy, which is good because McKenna's pregnancy was a nightmare. (Subcorionic Bleeding, antepartum depression, most active baby ever, more stretch makes, no sleep, sore hips) But to McKenna's credit, her birth was beautiful, she is a miracle, and I am really passionate about her. I loved the experience of becoming so passionate about her name that I fought for it for months! I loved how that pregnancy healed a lot of band pain for our little family. I loved my Zoloft and all the important life lessons I learned from having several months with no anxiety, worry or stress.
On that note, I am weening from Zoloft so that it can not poison my new baby. I can already feel a little drama creeping back into my life, and I kind of like it.
Yay for a new baby and a new experience!! Thanks for reading, friends!
News Report on Zoloft
Fox News: Feb. 10, 2010
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,587155,00.html?sPage=fnc/health/pregnancy
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,587155,00.html?sPage=fnc/health/pregnancy
NEW YORK — When pregnant women take antidepressants, it sometimes causes their babies to hit developmental milestones late, Danish researchers reported on Monday.However, the delays—up to one month—still place the toddlers within the normal range of development.
"These drugs have an effect on the fetus' brain," said Dr. Lars Henning Pedersen, who worked on the study. But, he said, the delays "may not matter for the child at all." Pedersen, from Aarhus University Hospital in Denmark, spoke to Reuters Health in a telephone interview.
Today, as many as one in six pregnant women in the US are diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and most are treated with antidepressants such as Prozac, Zoloft or Paxil.
The brain chemical targeted by these drugs—called serotonin—is involved in a host of biologic functions, from mood, to attention, to appetite and general brain development.
While medicines that ratchet up serotonin levels help dampen depressive symptoms, it is not well understood how a human fetus reacts to such drugs, or how long their potential effects last. In the lab, for example, scientists have found that antidepressants given to a pregnant rat stifle the natural exploratory behavior of her offspring well into adulthood.
For their study, published in the journal Pediatrics, Pedersen and his colleagues tapped into a nation-wide Danish database of more than 100,000 pregnancies.
They identified some 400 women who took antidepressants during pregnancy as well as nearly 500 who were not on medication despite being depressed. Based on the women's own reports, the researchers then compared how many children in each group hit developmental milestones such as sitting without support, looking after sounds and venting irritation.
At six months, the only differences between babies were seen in their gross movements. Among babies exposed to antidepressants in the second or third semester, 26 percent were able to sit on their own, compared to 30 percent of those not exposed.
The exposed toddlers took an average of 16 days longer to learn how to sit, after adjusting for maternal age, breast feeding and other factors. They also started walking about 29 days later.
At 19 months, the movement differences had vanished, although the exposed children were slightly worse at occupying themselves without calling out for attention.
Despite the concerns raised by these findings, which add to earlier reports of increased pain sensitivity and risk of heart problems in babies exposed to antidepressants in the womb, experts say that pregnant women with depression should not necessarily avoid antidepressants.
First, the new study could not say whether women who took medicine had been more depressed at first, even if they turned out to have fewer symptoms after treatment.
Second, untreated depression in itself has been tied to infant health problems such as irritability and lack of attentiveness. And third, the mother's well being is at stake, too.
"This paper adds to a growing literature that prenatal antidepressant exposure is not risk free," developmental pediatrician Dr. Tim Oberlander of the University of British Columbia told Reuters Health. He added that although there are many treatment options available, including psychotherapy, "there are going to be women who do need medication."
"It's really a question of balancing benefits and risks to the mother and child," he said.
The latest guidelines from The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists and the American Psychiatric Association recommend that pregnant women consult an ob-gyn and a psychiatrist before deciding on treatment.
Pedersen said he backed those recommendations, but that he would like to see more large studies exploring how exposed babies fare later in life. His team plans to do one such study once the Danish kids, who are now 12 years and younger, reach their teens.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Blow Torch
We went to Mike and Sue's to celebrate Sue's "big" birthday.
Mike lit the 24 candles on the small cake with a blow torch!! I was cracking up. What a crazy person. It took forever to get them all lit because the "blowing" would blow out one side while he tried to light the other side. By the end, all the candles were half their original hieght with big colored wax puddles at the base of each candle.
I was cracking. Seemed like something that would happen on TV.
Mike lit the 24 candles on the small cake with a blow torch!! I was cracking up. What a crazy person. It took forever to get them all lit because the "blowing" would blow out one side while he tried to light the other side. By the end, all the candles were half their original hieght with big colored wax puddles at the base of each candle.
I was cracking. Seemed like something that would happen on TV.
Deep Thoughts by Kristie Quinn Fellow
Quinn and I were playing Candy Land the other day, and she wanted to go 4 yellow squares instead of 2. When I suggested she just go two, she said with a serious face and a quiet voice, "No Mom. Jesus wants me to go that way.
I asked Quinn who we should invite to McKenna's birthday party if we have one at our house. She said, "Not too much peoples mom so our house will not get broken."
I recently told Quinn the story of Noah's ark. She came upstairs today with a picture she drew of ... an ark. Looked exactly like a simple, empty ark. She started correcting us when we called it Noah's Ark. "It's just a picture of the Ark. Noah's not in the picture. No animals either. It's just the ark." She was talking to me like I am thick in the head. "'Cause Noah and the animals are hard to draw."
I am not sure when she got this good and expressing her thoughts, but it is blowing us away.
I asked Quinn who we should invite to McKenna's birthday party if we have one at our house. She said, "Not too much peoples mom so our house will not get broken."
I recently told Quinn the story of Noah's ark. She came upstairs today with a picture she drew of ... an ark. Looked exactly like a simple, empty ark. She started correcting us when we called it Noah's Ark. "It's just a picture of the Ark. Noah's not in the picture. No animals either. It's just the ark." She was talking to me like I am thick in the head. "'Cause Noah and the animals are hard to draw."
I am not sure when she got this good and expressing her thoughts, but it is blowing us away.
Drama for the Mama
Once upon a time I was really dramatic and loud and emotional. Then I got a little older and a little more balanced. Then I got married and a little quieter. Then I went on Zoloft and got a lot less up and down. I am still a crazy nut to normal standards, but I can basically hold things together these days.
But today I got a text in church from my Nanny saying her baby cries too much all night and she is so tired .... then she quit. What? (All the more reason not to text in church. Am I being punished?)
I stepped out of the room and burst into tears. Literally. BURST INTO TEARS. I was seriously channeling middle school. I wasn't even sure what to do about it. Do you just cry in the hall? Go outside? Find a bathroom stall? There are people everywhere. They are bound to see you.
But the nice thing about bawling at church is that most people will assume you are just overcome by the grace of Jesus. Most people won't even stop you to ask if you are OK. They will just talk by and think, "Wow, she must be doing somethin' right. Amen."
I took a minute outside. I assumed that the tears would stop. They didn't. So I had to focus and really pull myself together. At work I would have been a dead ringer for an emotional mess, but at church I was safe.
I feel better now. I found a temporary replacement for the girls who starts Friday. But I can't even go into how awful and guilty and horrible I feel. I guess I had more emotions built up then I realized. But they were well hidden because I honestly did not know they were there.
Thanks, Zoloft. I guess you did something right.
On that note: I am starting the weening process from Zoloft. After today you might ask if that is such a great idea. The answer: Not sure. Keep on the look out for a crazy person. If you see her, let me know.
But today I got a text in church from my Nanny saying her baby cries too much all night and she is so tired .... then she quit. What? (All the more reason not to text in church. Am I being punished?)
I stepped out of the room and burst into tears. Literally. BURST INTO TEARS. I was seriously channeling middle school. I wasn't even sure what to do about it. Do you just cry in the hall? Go outside? Find a bathroom stall? There are people everywhere. They are bound to see you.
But the nice thing about bawling at church is that most people will assume you are just overcome by the grace of Jesus. Most people won't even stop you to ask if you are OK. They will just talk by and think, "Wow, she must be doing somethin' right. Amen."
I took a minute outside. I assumed that the tears would stop. They didn't. So I had to focus and really pull myself together. At work I would have been a dead ringer for an emotional mess, but at church I was safe.
I feel better now. I found a temporary replacement for the girls who starts Friday. But I can't even go into how awful and guilty and horrible I feel. I guess I had more emotions built up then I realized. But they were well hidden because I honestly did not know they were there.
Thanks, Zoloft. I guess you did something right.
On that note: I am starting the weening process from Zoloft. After today you might ask if that is such a great idea. The answer: Not sure. Keep on the look out for a crazy person. If you see her, let me know.
Friday, May 21, 2010
New Diet, less pain ... maybe
So, I am so sad and so confused about what to start eating tomorrow when my 3 day cleanse is "over." Basically I am in just as much pain as I was for the few years before the cleanse. And then tonight when I was telling Tim about my new diet, I realized the new diet is exactly what I was eating when I starting having stomach pain to begin with. That diet was mostly grains, legumes, brown rice, normal amounts of dairy and green veggies. I was so sick all the time, but I did lose a lot of weight. But the goal is not have a pain, so it seems crazy to do the same thing as before.
So basically I would like to start a vegan diet, but if my problem is actually Candida, then a should try the Candida diet. The diets are basically opposite, which is so sad.
For now I plan to start solid foods in phases with a slightly liberal Candida Diet:
Phase 1 -- veggies (mostly cooked), salad, sweet potatoes fries (just because I like them), carrots and avocado, hummus with celery, veggie broth
Phase 2 -- Rice, slop (beans, tomatoes, rice, green peppers), nuts and seeds, yogurt, veggie and beans curries.
Phase 3 -- Eggs, a little honey, organic chicken, more beans, apples, veggie egg rolls, marinara sauce on rice, gnocchi or pasta (small amounts), lemon, lots of apple cider vinegar for flavor.
NO: No bread, no milk, no cheese. no fruit, no salt, no peanuts, no "lots of other things like sugar and catchup
Avoid: starchy veggies .... so sad. Not sure if I can
On top of this I will be taking some serious probiotics and eventually find something that kills the yeast.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Roadtrip 2010
I know it is customary to post pictures when reporting on the events of a family vacation, but as we were pulling out of the garage at 4 a.m. on Thursday morning, I realized my phone was dead, and I did not really think about it again.
But we had a great trip. Tim and I really enjoy roadtripping together. I think it comes down to this ... he is stuck with me in the car, and I love it. He can't get away or avoid conversation. I even get him into an audio book with me sometimes. This trip we are both loving The Hunger Games. Crazy book. (Don't give away the ending, we are only half done.)
Anyway, I have loved this time with my family: in the car, at Grandmas, out and about, in the pool and all around. It has been hot and wonderful.
Tim and I got to go to an amazing wedding on Saturday. His best man got married. I was really touched by the power of this wedding because his new wife has a 4-year-old son. It was a really power feeling to watch a family being formed. That was a first for me, and I loved it. We did not get to see the sealing in the temple because we suck and let out recommends expire!! I was heart broken when I realized they were sealed with the little boy after the wedding. I would have loved to see that, but the spirit of the event was so strong that it transcended the temple doors for sure. The dinner was lovely, and Tim got to wear a manly lime green tie -- matchy, matchy with 10 other guys.
I was so sleepy on this trip. I think I might was relaxed. I kept passing out for naps and nighttime. Loved it.
We are heading out for Utah at 4 a.m. tomorrow. I've got to be at work by 3 p.m. It will be a long day, but it was all well worth it.
But we had a great trip. Tim and I really enjoy roadtripping together. I think it comes down to this ... he is stuck with me in the car, and I love it. He can't get away or avoid conversation. I even get him into an audio book with me sometimes. This trip we are both loving The Hunger Games. Crazy book. (Don't give away the ending, we are only half done.)
Anyway, I have loved this time with my family: in the car, at Grandmas, out and about, in the pool and all around. It has been hot and wonderful.
Tim and I got to go to an amazing wedding on Saturday. His best man got married. I was really touched by the power of this wedding because his new wife has a 4-year-old son. It was a really power feeling to watch a family being formed. That was a first for me, and I loved it. We did not get to see the sealing in the temple because we suck and let out recommends expire!! I was heart broken when I realized they were sealed with the little boy after the wedding. I would have loved to see that, but the spirit of the event was so strong that it transcended the temple doors for sure. The dinner was lovely, and Tim got to wear a manly lime green tie -- matchy, matchy with 10 other guys.
I was so sleepy on this trip. I think I might was relaxed. I kept passing out for naps and nighttime. Loved it.
We are heading out for Utah at 4 a.m. tomorrow. I've got to be at work by 3 p.m. It will be a long day, but it was all well worth it.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Cruise Dress
Back in the day when I was planning to take a cruise from May 10 to May 14, I bought a dress.
Just one dress. It was my one item just for my cruise. It is a a sleeveless cotton dress that hangs to my ankles and makes me feel slim and soft and stylish. It makes me feel like I am on vacation. It makes me happy and confident. It was how I want to feel on my cruise. I first cruise. The cruise I have been waiting for and asking for since 1992.
Long story. Cruise canceled. So I am wearing it today. In vacation in Arizona, with my kids, not on a cruise, no free food. I wear my dress in hopes on a brighter tomorrow. Of course I wear it with a long sleeve cardigan sweater. It is hotter than hell in Arizona, but in my peaceful little mind, I am on a cruise ship ... in my new dress.
Some day.
Just one dress. It was my one item just for my cruise. It is a a sleeveless cotton dress that hangs to my ankles and makes me feel slim and soft and stylish. It makes me feel like I am on vacation. It makes me happy and confident. It was how I want to feel on my cruise. I first cruise. The cruise I have been waiting for and asking for since 1992.
Long story. Cruise canceled. So I am wearing it today. In vacation in Arizona, with my kids, not on a cruise, no free food. I wear my dress in hopes on a brighter tomorrow. Of course I wear it with a long sleeve cardigan sweater. It is hotter than hell in Arizona, but in my peaceful little mind, I am on a cruise ship ... in my new dress.
Some day.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Quinn's Bed
Quinn will not stay in bed at night.
Reasons:
It’s light outside
Too much day care/ Mom’s new job
Discovered her own freedom
Fixes:
Baby gate at her door
Play music in her room only IF she stays in the bed
Do not say anything when you put her back in bed
Reasons:
It’s light outside
Too much day care/ Mom’s new job
Discovered her own freedom
Fixes:
Baby gate at her door
Play music in her room only IF she stays in the bed
Do not say anything when you put her back in bed
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Kenna and the Stairs
So, Kenna just flew down the stairs. I've never seen anything like it. It was horrible.
Tim, Quinn and I are really good at closing the baby gate at the top of the stairs. But this afternoon I was searching my friend's recipe blog, and Quinn was hitting me and screaming about something I had already said "no" to. "Time for a break in your room."
I took her down stairs and forgot to close the baby gate. Quinn was screaming, slamming, kicking, and being quite the problem. I was standing outside of her closed door when I heard a little sound from McKenna, and I just knew she was leaning head first over the stairs. Next thing I new I heard a few thumps. I screamed and ran as fast as I could to the stairs. Before I could get there, she flew into my sight as she bounced off the last stair. It was really horrible. She lay there for a second, and than starting crying the same way she would if I had just taken the remote control away. Nothing more. Nothing less. I picked her up. She cried for a few seconds and stopped.
Tim came running from our room when he heard me scream. He walked right passed me and Kenna and went to help Quinn. It was like an old routine or like two ships passing in the night. No one freaked out. We just surveyed the situation and went on with things.
I've said it before, and I will say it again. It always surprises me how non-dramatic the actual dramatic situations are. Think of how loud and crazy I was yesterday just typing all about how Zoloft tried to "kill" my baby. Then today I let her fall down the stairs, and we just go about our business. It always works that way with us. Like when my kids throw up, it is like a major event, but when they are in the hospital, it is like "Does the little shop next door sell ice cream?" Because what can you do? When it is major, you can't change it or fix it. You just have to survive and move on. When it is not major, you get all crazy and you have time to think, "Is this major?" Knowing is half the battle.
So, anyway, Kenna seems to be unscathed from her ride down the stairs, but I am a little worried. She's acting all normal, but I am just worried she will have bruises or pain. I would not go so far as to say I am worried about internal injuries, but I probably am. I think she is fine. But I do wonder if I should take her to the Dr. Olsen, the magic chiropractor. I think I will.
And maybe I'll cut Zoloft some slack. Ah ... perspective.
Tim, Quinn and I are really good at closing the baby gate at the top of the stairs. But this afternoon I was searching my friend's recipe blog, and Quinn was hitting me and screaming about something I had already said "no" to. "Time for a break in your room."
I took her down stairs and forgot to close the baby gate. Quinn was screaming, slamming, kicking, and being quite the problem. I was standing outside of her closed door when I heard a little sound from McKenna, and I just knew she was leaning head first over the stairs. Next thing I new I heard a few thumps. I screamed and ran as fast as I could to the stairs. Before I could get there, she flew into my sight as she bounced off the last stair. It was really horrible. She lay there for a second, and than starting crying the same way she would if I had just taken the remote control away. Nothing more. Nothing less. I picked her up. She cried for a few seconds and stopped.
Tim came running from our room when he heard me scream. He walked right passed me and Kenna and went to help Quinn. It was like an old routine or like two ships passing in the night. No one freaked out. We just surveyed the situation and went on with things.
I've said it before, and I will say it again. It always surprises me how non-dramatic the actual dramatic situations are. Think of how loud and crazy I was yesterday just typing all about how Zoloft tried to "kill" my baby. Then today I let her fall down the stairs, and we just go about our business. It always works that way with us. Like when my kids throw up, it is like a major event, but when they are in the hospital, it is like "Does the little shop next door sell ice cream?" Because what can you do? When it is major, you can't change it or fix it. You just have to survive and move on. When it is not major, you get all crazy and you have time to think, "Is this major?" Knowing is half the battle.
So, anyway, Kenna seems to be unscathed from her ride down the stairs, but I am a little worried. She's acting all normal, but I am just worried she will have bruises or pain. I would not go so far as to say I am worried about internal injuries, but I probably am. I think she is fine. But I do wonder if I should take her to the Dr. Olsen, the magic chiropractor. I think I will.
And maybe I'll cut Zoloft some slack. Ah ... perspective.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
It's Offical ... My Zoloft Drugged My Baby
Breastfeeding and Zoloft
As far as I am concerned, this is my official diagnoses. The Zoloft I was taking for antepartum and then postpartum depression drugged McKenna and prevented her from developing normally.
For several months McKenna had no emotions or personality and could not and would not move her body. We could be nice and say, "Oh, it wasn't that bad" "She's such a doll" or "All babies are special." Blah, Blah. I knew something was wrong outside of everyone's "All babies develop differently." I knew when I looked into her eyes that she was not acting the way she was meant to. I knew.
I told a few friends exactly how I felt. I joked about her being delayed, but I was actually quite serious. But I still did know exactly what was wrong or why. When McKenna turned 9 months in March 2010, I weened her from nursing (and Zoloft) in 1 day. Ten days later she was a normal baby and trying to crawl. There is no doubt in my mind that drug was in her system and affecting her brain. End of Story.
But for people who might wonder about the affects of Zoloft on babies, here is the whole story from the very beginning:
In Jan. 2009 I started to feel sad all the time. I started to think people hated me. I started to get angry really easily. I was 5 months pregnant with McKenna. In Feb. 2009 my nurse midwives prescribed Zoloft, which completely changed my emotions in 3 days. I was on top of the world. I laughed a lot for no reason for about 2 months, and then things leveled out. I loved my Zoloft. At first I assumed I would only take it for a few weeks to get sort of a jump start in my brain, but my nurses said I should not ween from the drug until after the baby came.
When McKenna was born in June 2009, they told me to continue taking Zoloft because people with antepartum depression like I had have a 95 percent correlation for diagnoses of severe post partum depression. They said I should stay on it for at least 5 months. That would have meant weening in November. They said "No" to that because it is unadvised to ween during the winter. So fine. I stayed on it.
When McKenna was 4 months, she was calm and peaceful -- a little too peaceful. I asked her doctor if she might be getting too much Zoloft from my breast milk, and he said, "Moms with happy babies should not complain." So I shut up about it.
She rolled over late and didn't get teeth, but that seemed fine and normal. But then I noticed a problem between 6 and 9 months. She could roll over but would not. She could sit up but would not. She never got mad. She didn't really care about any toy or person. She was social, but didn't have any strong attachments. No paci. No lovey. No favorites of any kind. This was nothing like my older daughter, but I assumed it was just a personality thing.
At 6 months she could sit up, but she showed no interest in crawling. She would never sit up from laying down, and while she said, she never put her hands near the ground -- never touched the ground to try to move or crawl. She never reached for toys (not even a little.) She used to get sad when she saw me walk out of a room, but that was it. She made no attempt to follow me, no attempt to crawl or move in anyway. I used to put a row of toys one to two feet away from her. She would just sit in front of the row for an hour and never reach for the toys.
I kept her on a regular food schedule because she never really fussed for food. The only time she ever fussed was when she was really tired, and I would just put her in her bed. To her credit she did let her personality show a little at bed time. She did cry a lot and only slept through the night when she wanted to.
I used to look into McKenna's eyes and feel this crazy connection to her. I had a strong feeling that she felt more emotions than she was showing. I felt like she and I were meant to be the same (emotional and loud) but that for some reason she was not acting like herself or all emotional and crazy like me. Everyone said, "She's like your husband and daughter," but I just had such a strong feeling that she was supposed me like me.
When McKenna was about to turn 10 months and still showing zero signs of wanted to crawl, I decided I wanted to ween her so I could get pregnant again. I quit nursing in one day. (ouch) A few days later I noticed that McKenna was crying a lot. I remember thinking a few says later, "She's starting to like things. I should write these things down." And within 10 days she started reaching for toys and screaming when she got sad. She went a month without sleeping through the night. She started laughing a lot and showing all kinds of emotions. Within 3 weeks from weening, she started crawling. She reaches for bottles and screams when she wants one. She talks and plays and investigates. The first few times she sat up by herself from laying on her back, she cried because she was confused.
She still does a few weird things. She crawls on her butt with her hands in front of her. And she will not stand up. Not on my lap. Not holding on to a table or toy. She does not even like to stand up in a walker toy. Not sure if it is related. I think it has something to do with the muscles in her legs, but I wouldn't take that to the bank.
But what it comes down to it this. She had to have enough Zoloft in her that it was completely changing her personality. I have no doubt in my mind that the Zoloft in my breast milk affected her serotonin and prevented her from living and feeling normally. It is fine and dandy for that to happen in my adult brain, but I am very uncomfortable with that happening in a new little brain that is not fully developed or prepared for foreign substances.
Her body was reacting exactly the way my body reacts to the drug. Several close friends pointed out that all the things I was saying about McKenna when I did not know what was wrong are very similar to things I used to say about myself and Zoloft. One posiblity is that she and I are especially sensitive to SSRI's, the class of drugs that Zoloft falls in to. I know I have a way stronger reaction to 50 mg than I am suppose to. Maybe McKenna was the same way.
I am not sure what I would not differently. I loved nursing McKenna. I even loved that she stayed a baby for longer, but I hate that I did not know what was going on and was not able to make an informed decision. I hate that there might be lasting damage and that no doctor will ever know exactly what happen and probably won't really believe my story. I hate that in 20 years if she needs antidepressants that I will wonder if I started that for her. I will always wonder if her brain would have developed differently.
I am not sure I will feel guilty, but I will always wonder. I did the best I could. I needed that drug. It made me a better mom, but I do not think I would have nursed her. I do not think it was safe for her. No matter what the studies say about the "trace amounts" that transport into the baby's blood stream, I know that those trace amounts drugged my baby. They changed her brain, and that is so scary.
I guess the other scary part for me is that if the pharmaceutical companies and doctors do not know what is happening to my baby, how can I trust them to know what is happening to me or anybody else.
Next step: Not sure. I'd like to ween from Zoloft as soon as possible. I just don't trust it. Maybe Essential oils to cure depression. Who knows? It might work.
As far as I am concerned, this is my official diagnoses. The Zoloft I was taking for antepartum and then postpartum depression drugged McKenna and prevented her from developing normally.
For several months McKenna had no emotions or personality and could not and would not move her body. We could be nice and say, "Oh, it wasn't that bad" "She's such a doll" or "All babies are special." Blah, Blah. I knew something was wrong outside of everyone's "All babies develop differently." I knew when I looked into her eyes that she was not acting the way she was meant to. I knew.
I told a few friends exactly how I felt. I joked about her being delayed, but I was actually quite serious. But I still did know exactly what was wrong or why. When McKenna turned 9 months in March 2010, I weened her from nursing (and Zoloft) in 1 day. Ten days later she was a normal baby and trying to crawl. There is no doubt in my mind that drug was in her system and affecting her brain. End of Story.
But for people who might wonder about the affects of Zoloft on babies, here is the whole story from the very beginning:
In Jan. 2009 I started to feel sad all the time. I started to think people hated me. I started to get angry really easily. I was 5 months pregnant with McKenna. In Feb. 2009 my nurse midwives prescribed Zoloft, which completely changed my emotions in 3 days. I was on top of the world. I laughed a lot for no reason for about 2 months, and then things leveled out. I loved my Zoloft. At first I assumed I would only take it for a few weeks to get sort of a jump start in my brain, but my nurses said I should not ween from the drug until after the baby came.
When McKenna was born in June 2009, they told me to continue taking Zoloft because people with antepartum depression like I had have a 95 percent correlation for diagnoses of severe post partum depression. They said I should stay on it for at least 5 months. That would have meant weening in November. They said "No" to that because it is unadvised to ween during the winter. So fine. I stayed on it.
When McKenna was 4 months, she was calm and peaceful -- a little too peaceful. I asked her doctor if she might be getting too much Zoloft from my breast milk, and he said, "Moms with happy babies should not complain." So I shut up about it.
She rolled over late and didn't get teeth, but that seemed fine and normal. But then I noticed a problem between 6 and 9 months. She could roll over but would not. She could sit up but would not. She never got mad. She didn't really care about any toy or person. She was social, but didn't have any strong attachments. No paci. No lovey. No favorites of any kind. This was nothing like my older daughter, but I assumed it was just a personality thing.
At 6 months she could sit up, but she showed no interest in crawling. She would never sit up from laying down, and while she said, she never put her hands near the ground -- never touched the ground to try to move or crawl. She never reached for toys (not even a little.) She used to get sad when she saw me walk out of a room, but that was it. She made no attempt to follow me, no attempt to crawl or move in anyway. I used to put a row of toys one to two feet away from her. She would just sit in front of the row for an hour and never reach for the toys.
I kept her on a regular food schedule because she never really fussed for food. The only time she ever fussed was when she was really tired, and I would just put her in her bed. To her credit she did let her personality show a little at bed time. She did cry a lot and only slept through the night when she wanted to.
I used to look into McKenna's eyes and feel this crazy connection to her. I had a strong feeling that she felt more emotions than she was showing. I felt like she and I were meant to be the same (emotional and loud) but that for some reason she was not acting like herself or all emotional and crazy like me. Everyone said, "She's like your husband and daughter," but I just had such a strong feeling that she was supposed me like me.
When McKenna was about to turn 10 months and still showing zero signs of wanted to crawl, I decided I wanted to ween her so I could get pregnant again. I quit nursing in one day. (ouch) A few days later I noticed that McKenna was crying a lot. I remember thinking a few says later, "She's starting to like things. I should write these things down." And within 10 days she started reaching for toys and screaming when she got sad. She went a month without sleeping through the night. She started laughing a lot and showing all kinds of emotions. Within 3 weeks from weening, she started crawling. She reaches for bottles and screams when she wants one. She talks and plays and investigates. The first few times she sat up by herself from laying on her back, she cried because she was confused.
She still does a few weird things. She crawls on her butt with her hands in front of her. And she will not stand up. Not on my lap. Not holding on to a table or toy. She does not even like to stand up in a walker toy. Not sure if it is related. I think it has something to do with the muscles in her legs, but I wouldn't take that to the bank.
But what it comes down to it this. She had to have enough Zoloft in her that it was completely changing her personality. I have no doubt in my mind that the Zoloft in my breast milk affected her serotonin and prevented her from living and feeling normally. It is fine and dandy for that to happen in my adult brain, but I am very uncomfortable with that happening in a new little brain that is not fully developed or prepared for foreign substances.
Her body was reacting exactly the way my body reacts to the drug. Several close friends pointed out that all the things I was saying about McKenna when I did not know what was wrong are very similar to things I used to say about myself and Zoloft. One posiblity is that she and I are especially sensitive to SSRI's, the class of drugs that Zoloft falls in to. I know I have a way stronger reaction to 50 mg than I am suppose to. Maybe McKenna was the same way.
I am not sure what I would not differently. I loved nursing McKenna. I even loved that she stayed a baby for longer, but I hate that I did not know what was going on and was not able to make an informed decision. I hate that there might be lasting damage and that no doctor will ever know exactly what happen and probably won't really believe my story. I hate that in 20 years if she needs antidepressants that I will wonder if I started that for her. I will always wonder if her brain would have developed differently.
I am not sure I will feel guilty, but I will always wonder. I did the best I could. I needed that drug. It made me a better mom, but I do not think I would have nursed her. I do not think it was safe for her. No matter what the studies say about the "trace amounts" that transport into the baby's blood stream, I know that those trace amounts drugged my baby. They changed her brain, and that is so scary.
I guess the other scary part for me is that if the pharmaceutical companies and doctors do not know what is happening to my baby, how can I trust them to know what is happening to me or anybody else.
Next step: Not sure. I'd like to ween from Zoloft as soon as possible. I just don't trust it. Maybe Essential oils to cure depression. Who knows? It might work.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
