Family Home Evening Journal

We keep a big book in our front room. It's a journal with Jesus on the cover. Inside the book we write a short account each week of our Family Home Evening or whatever is going on instead. FHE is basically recommended family time each Monday night that helps build family unity and dedication to Jesus Christ. It is sometimes a hard commandment to obey, so a few years ago we started keeping record that we, in fact, were doing the best we could. We write something every week. For some of you, these entries will stand alone. For others, just know that these posts -- for good or bad -- represent our dedication to our way of life ... even when life sucks. They were the best of times; they were the worst of times.

Here are a few excepts from The Fellow Family FHE Journal:

March 24, 2008
Quinn is awake and with us tonight. We started with Nephi's Courage and "the isty, bitsy spider." Today we read testimonies of the prophets of Jesus Christ from a special ensign episode. It is 6:30 p.m. on a Monday night. Quinn can do some of the hand motions to "itsy, bitsy sider," and today she has pink cheeks from being out in the sub.

Dec. 1, 2008
A lesson from the new nursery manual -- "Behold your little ones. The lesson was about sharing.
We have no money. Daddy applied for a job in Arizona. It's Day 1 of our advent calendar -- so fun. Daddy taught Quinn how it works.

Dec. 15, 2008
We were in California for FHE this week. So we went out at about 6 p.m. just the 3 of us. We drove to the PV stake center. They have a wooden nativity set up in front of the church. We stood by it and talked about the baby Jesus. Quinn gave the baby kisses and tried to give him her poodle. After the lesson, we went to Yummy Yogurt and shared a small yogurt. Then we went to the library to read books.

Dec. 29, 2008
We all gathered on the bed to have family night. We were in the second verse of "Nephi's Courage," and we heard a knock at the door. Someone left a card and a gift. The gift said, "To Quinn, From a friend." It was written in kid writing. Inside was a big plastic candy cane filled with little tubs of play dough. In the card there was a $50 gift card to Smiths. We couldn't believe it. We were really touched. Someone must know we've been having a hard time. We talked about kindness and service during the rest of Family Home Evening.

Thursday, March 26, 2009
Tim's new schedule = Thursday night FHE
Quinn is in a long sweatshirt and slippers. She's running and wants us to chase her. We sang Nephi's Courage and are ready to start.
"ABC's" and now Quinn is building a "Temple" out of her blocks.
Lesson about gratitude and saying, "Thank you."

Feb. 11, 2010
Mommy and Daddy go on a date tonight, and as a family we talk about the importance of Mommy and Daddy's temple marriage.

April 26, 2010
Tim is mowing the lawn, and we are running our of time. Kenna is already in bed. Daddy is supposed to give the lesson on the holy ghost. Sometimes it is hard to obey. I think I have already snapped at Quinn twice during this family home evening attempt. We're singing and praying and mowing and trying our best.


(Get it ... It's like a Blog, but it's in a book ...)

Jill off Zoloft equals ...

Likes

Michael Buble

The Season Finale of Glee

Music from American Idol Season 7

Going to Church

Dancing in the Car

A chapter and a mile a day

Romantic movies

Romantic comedies

Laughing with my sister

1 Nephi

"The man in the mirror" by MJ

Lea Michele and the crew

Maxi Dresses

Talking on the Phone

Sweet Potatoes
iPhones
Cribs (the beds with bars ... not the TV show)
Outlook
Organic food
Patio Furniture
Talking Carl
Corn tortillas
Long-sleeve shirts for sleeping in
Sleeping in

Dislikes

Canada

Getting single hairs pulled out of my head

Wind

Sweat

Dirt

Most Doctors
Getting Quinn to Brush her teeth

Gunshot-like construction noises
Cooked Cauliflower
Salsa

On the Fence

Hummus

One of my co-workers

Gardening

Working from Home

Celery
Wal-mart
Rice Cakes

It makes me happy to do it like this:

1 Nephi 18:2 Now I, Nephi, did not work the timbers after the manner which was learned by men, neither did I build the ship after the manner of men; but I did build it after the manner which the Lord had shown unto me; wherefore, it was not after the manner of men.

Tricky

Symptoms of Candida Die Off:
As the body works to detoxify, you may experience symptoms including dizziness, headache, “foggy” headedness, eye floaters (the little blurs in vision which can be detected when the eyeball moves back and forth), depression, anxiety, heightened anger reactions, gas & bloating, flatulence, diarrhea, constipation, joint pain, muscle pain, body aches, sore throat, general malaise, exhaustion, need for more sleep, sweating, chills, nausea, skin breakouts, or other symptoms.


Side Effects of Clomid:
Side effects may include mood swings, hot flashes, breast tenderness, thinning of the uterine lining, nausea and vomiting, visual symptoms and abnormal uterine bleeding. Some will have some lower abdominal cramps. There can also be large amounts of fluid secreted into the abdominal cavity. Sometimes the fluid can be so severe that it can cause heart or kidney failure.

Zoloft Withdrawal:
Nervous, have headaches, insomnia, night sweats and extreme tiredness.

So:
Do those all sound like a lot of the say problems? I'm just going to pretend I don't have all of these symptoms, and then I will not have to think about which issue they are coming from. Sound like a plan

McKenna's Birthday Party

The invite! We had to change the date twice! Oops!

One gift to get the ball rolling. Zhu-zhu pets!

Kenna's 1 year old picture!

Birthday cupcakes with mom and Quinn.

Messy and pink

Practicing for the big event

Big girl bath

Birthday breakfast pancakes

Cake time!

Pre-party snacktime

All ready

Best gift ever!

Playing in the play house

Big Sister

Say cheese!

Party time!!

Princess Paige!

A reunion -- One year later -- all the ladies from the birth room when Kenna was born

Mommy's Birthday Girl

Happy Birthday to You!

More party time!

Gather round

Dig in!

Sharing is caring!!

One Year Later

Birthday Do-over

So, tomorrow is McKenna's new official birthday this year. The miscarriage seriously collided with her special day. Since we couldn't move the miscarriage, we moved the birthday.

So ... tomorrow... Happy Birthday, McKenna! We'll have mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast with fresh berries. Her party will be tomorrow night. (Family and close friends. But basically it's come one, come all. Come join us for ice cream after Family Night.) I'll be baking a way cute cake today that looks like the party invites, and I'll be buying balloons first thing in the morning.

I'm working from home tomorrow and baking brownies on my lunch break for the ice cream sundae bar. (The only kind of bar this house will ever see...) There is a stack of gifts waiting for the birthday girl, and the weather says it is going to be sunny and warm. So, we are ready to celebrate.

Plus, I already took those adorable pics of McKenna on her "real" birthday, so no pressure there!!! Love it. Happy Birthday, Kenna-boo.

So Freakin' Cute! Happy Birthday!

Sad News

Well, I found out today that I definitely lost the baby. It's so sad on so many levels, but what can you do?

I cried for an hour, and then I took my girls for ice cream and cupcakes for McKenna's birthday. Spending time with my girls was just what I needed. Perspective is important especially when life is sad. McKenna seemed so old today and was so much fun. I have a lot to be happy about.

Trying to get pregnant when you are moderately infertile is a big pain. It is not as emotional as it used to be because I've got two beauty queens to show for my efforts. My sister (who has lost 3 pregnancy in the last 5 years) put it best today when she said, "I just hate the feeling of having to start all over." Amen. That is how I feel. I just hate the feeling of having to start all over. And I also hate that I'll never feel the same about a positive pregnancy test again. It's the end of an era. More babies will come, but I think I lost a bit of my energy and innocence today. And so that, I believe, is the sad news.

But, of course, less innocents often equals more empathy, and that makes the world better in its own way. Perspective, again, ... I guess.

Happy Birthday, Baby

McKenna turned 1 year old today!

(Technically we are not celebrating the big event until next week because I had a miscarriage yesterday and couldn't pull it off the way I think McKenna deserves.)

But I was able to pull a few things together for my little one today after all. We spent some time together as a family this morning, and Kenna opened her first gift. It was a gift bag with two Zhu-Zhu pets inside. The girls played with them in the morning. Kenna went back and worth between loving them and being just scared enough to crawl into my lap to watch them cruise around the house from a safe distance.

I was feeling better after our naps today and decided to try to really enjoy the birthday with my girls. I put together the sand and water table that Kenna got from Grammy and Grandpa John, and then, of course, we needed some ... SAND!

So, I took the girls for Ice Cream and to get some sand. We also stopped to eat very bright pink cupcakes. Quinn and I sang Happy Birthday, and McKenna dug in. I was really happy. I love my kids so much, and it meant a lot on this not so great day to be close to my angels and to show them how much I care.

As for my little 1 year old: Kenna is a new baby everyday.

She is pulling up and stand up next to things, and now that she has figured it all out, she's got guts.

Today she was very passionate about learning to climb up stairs.

She also got a new tooth, and she kept her shoes for the first time. She decided to give shoes a try so she could stand up at the water table outside without ouchy feet.

She used a spoon to eat her cupcake and then practiced eating yogurt with a spoon. I let her make a huge mess at the table, and she was so happy.

And then I put her in the bath with Quinn, and they played together and had a great time.

She ate sand today and liked it. Then she went back for more.

She turned her spider monkey crawl into a much more normal funny looking crawl, and she managed to learn to hold something in one arm while she cruises around. And for the first time today she took her bottle with her and drank along the way.

Tonight she laughed historically when I knelt down by her crib for her good night prayers. She pulled her head up to the bars and laughed out loud over and over again. She thought it was great.

She has her own soul, and she is full of love and life.

She's also like a parrot and can repeat anything I say. She says "Mama" and "Dada," and she'll try to say anything. (Quinn was very careful about not trying out a new word until she knew it would come out right.)

Kenna is her own girl. I adore her. She is cuddly, and when she wants to cuddle, she puts her head all the way over to one side and smashs her head into my chest. She rips out clips and head bands and throws them as far away as possible. She reaches up to play the piano. And once she gets playing with a toy or drawer of junk, she never looks back. She gets in her own world -- a world that I look forward to being a part of forever.

Happy Birthday, baby girl! I love you so much. You really make me feel complete and happy and full of purpose. One year ago today, you brought some crazy love into our home and made us feel like a family. You made me feel real and wonderful. Thanks, baby.

Part of the Recipe?

I'm bleeding. And cramping. And I kind of want to die.

It might be a miscarriage. But it also might be the crazy thing that went down when I was 8 weeks pregnant with McKenna. I had a subchorionic bleed. I bleed for like a month. I only cramped for like a few days. Let's hope whatever is happening this time stops soon, 'cause it hurts.

There is really no way to know. Last time I had flow, clots, cramps, the whole works. Looked just like a miscarriage, but it turned into the most beautiful baby on the planet.

The spotting started yesterday. I don't have great feelings about where this is headed this time. But, again, there is no way to know. I had to go sit in the hospital for 3 hours today to get a rhogam shot for my negative blood. That always makes this seem more dramatic. Then I got home and the cramping and wanting to kill my kids also makes this seem more dramatic.

But thinking brightly. Here are a few indicators that I still might be pregnant:
1. The cramps are not so bad that I can't function ... kind of.
2. I still get really light headed every time I stand up like I have this whole (short) pregnancy.
3. I am quick to get really pissed and angry ... sure 1st trimester sign for me.
4. The flow could be worse.
5. Mild drugs take the edge off ... a little.
6. I'm not "sure" what is happening. And Kristie is always "sure" when her pregnancies are over.

So, it's not such, but it is something to hold on too.

But, again, I am not holding on that tightly.

P.S. When Quinn found out that mom was sick, and it might hurt the baby. She said, "Wait, mommy, are you talking about the baby in your tummy or McKenna?" She's got perspective. And I have the sweetest little babies.

If anyone asks, McKenna was born on June 15 and not June 8 ... at least for this year because I can not pull something together for tomorrow!!

Sisters (Mamas) on the Phone

I just had the most amazing experience ever. My sister called at like 8 p.m. tonight. I was hanging out with Tim, but I answered because she never calls at that time. I thought maybe her water had broken. I answered, "Are you all wet?"

She was dry, but we started talking and laughing the way that only she and I can. An hour and a half later, my phone was on its last minute of battery. I said, "If we get cut off, it was not because of something you said." We laughed, of course.

Two minutes later in the middle of let another story, she takes a deep breath in and says, "Oh my! What? Wait!" I sat there silent. She was making little confused thinking noises. Than I said, "Did your water just break?" She said, "Ah, hold on, ah, I don't, ah ... yeah." I started freaking out. Then she was like, "No, wait. Maybe it's pee. I'm so confused. Ah, its a little wet on the floor. I don't know. Sometimes I stand up and maybe I'm still peeing. Oh, my floor is definitely wet."

I said, "Was there a gush? Is it still leaking? If the floor is wet, your water broke. This is happening."

She said, "We'll wait. Let me think. I don't know."

It went on like that for awhile. Like 10 minutes.

I was laughing my head off. (Some of the quotes have to stay between sisters.)

Finally she conceded that she was in fact wet and getting wetter by the minute. She said, "Yeah, I think I need to go call my mom."

And she finished with, "Oh, and maybe this major cramp is another indicator."

I can't wait for Riley Grace to get here. I can't wait to meet her. I wish I was on a plane. I should probably get on a plane. I can't take this!!