Cabin #1

We spent our first night in our new cabin!

Of course a few things wrong that I totally knew would go wrong and told Tim would go wrong did go wrong, but mostly we had a nice time. Mostly we got a lot of time together that we would not have normally have spent together. I think in the end that will be what this cabin is all about for us.

But wow we did have some moments ... some "Give it back to it's rightful owners" moments and some "I would not trade this for the world" moments.

For starters, we knew a broken toilet pipe needed fixing upon arrival. So I filled up the water bottles and used the bathroom about an hour in to the 2 hour drive so we would not need to turn the water on right away when we got there. A few minutes passed right away turned into 2 or 3 hours, big bladders, and thirsty AND hungry children (didn't bring snacks, just meals to cook with water, like an idiot). An the end we fixed it -- just enough to turn it on and watch it leak while we cleaned some dishes and filled some cups. Yikes. I never want to hear, "I want water," from my 2 year old ever again without being able to do something about it.

That said, since the toilet never returned to fully glory, the porti-potty got to fulfill the measure of its creation. And it turns out, when an outhouse is YOURS (left by previous owner) it really isn't that bad. I got to have the camping feeling for about 30 seconds as I used the flashlight in the night to get to the throne. Just different enough adventure to be fun ... short term. But oddly enough I was almost delighted to find a much older and more nature-looking second actual outhouse on the far edge of the property. Who'd a thought?

The stars were amazing. We let Quinn stay up to see some, and then we pulled out our new, nerdy reclining camping chairs to watch together once it got really dark. I saw one shooter out of the corner of my eye -- which actually kind of made me miss my "real/old/original" life because it reminded me of a moment walking on Rat Beach at night and seeing my very first shooting star in high school. Oh, well, I guess I get dirty now and hike and stuff. New life is nice too.

The girls slept great, but relocating a routine for bedtime and all other life events can be tricky. And I feel like I had to yell at them a lot (nicely) to get them to not walk off cliffs or pick up rat poison. It is all going to take some getting used to for all of us. (Nervous laugh)

I was feeling a little grumpy about the purchase for a few minutes (hours) in a sleepless part of my night. But then I was totally blown away when I opened my eyes in the morning and with my head still on the pillow, the most colorful and beautiful sunrise was staring me right in the face from the loft balcony. And for some reason the energy I got from that moment transformed me into a woman who jumped out of bed and delightedly started frying up eggs and toast (with a skillet she cleaned with a wet wipe) while she thought, "Now when will those sweet children get out of bed and meet the morning?"

I loved our family walk (1/4 mile) at 8 a.m. to the meadow on the back of the property, and I loved losing some of my fear of getting lost on our land by sufficiently learning how to use the map and GPS on my phone. Also loved how much peace I felt when I realized we are TOTALLY going to buy little GPS/ lo-jack ankle bracelets so none of my angels get lost in the land down under. Peace of mind!! Wahoo!!

It was so fun to watch the girls climb on rocks and scale terrain that to a 4 or 2 year old body could only be described as mountains. I also loved that I stopped myself from saying, "Don't put your hands in the dirt," and instead said, "Is it fun to play in the dirt?" Quinn said, "You mean, 'the sand'?" And it all made sense, and we took "Buy a Sand Box" off the to-do list for the cabin because clearly the whole valley was a sand box to them.

We decided on a place to put an awesome swing set, and we made more lists of things to buy to make this whole experience feel more like ours (mine). Now, of course, some items on the list like "install an observatory" are based on the "make millions in the next 10 year" life scenario. However, "buy sticks for roasting marshmallow at Wal-Mart" might actually happen by October. Nice.

So, I have my doubts, and I have my excitements. And if that is not life, than I am not sure what is.

Headed up again on Sunday. You coming?

Location, Location, Location

I thought I was a horrible mom because I really hated reading books to my children. Mostly I hated it physically. I hated sitting on the floor in the girls' room. I hated people sitting in my lap while I was trying to read the pages to a bunch of books I didn't like. Long story short. I hated reading to my kids.

So I stopped.

I can't remember when, but I stopped.

Turns out it was only half my fault. Turns out my body has hurt for 20 years because of this candida thing, which basically made most things that did not involve sitting comfortably on a couch at least a little painful for me. (dishes, cooking, standing, waiting ...).

So turns out I don't hate reading with my children. I love it.

My body doesn't hurt the way it used to AND I moved story time to my comfy couch. Call it a cocktail of solutions, but it worked. After "last show of the night," I take Kenna to bed, and then I come up stairs and read with Quinn. She says, "Can we read 2?" And I'm like, "Sure, how about 4?"

I've got my comfy couch and vastly healed body and new schedule and attitude and soon ....

NEW BOOKS. (10 of them coming next week via Amazon.)

Bed Time and lots of Times

Since the new school year is about to start and since I love my newly painted kitchen and since we want to spend all our free time at the cabin and all sorts of other reasons, I decided that our family needs a schedule. Maybe sleeping in until 9:30 a.m. is not so great when one or all of us has to be somewhere at 10 a.m. I recently started to notice all these flaws in my go with the flow plan. Mostly the flaws were related to Quinn screaming and yelling at me all the time especially if I said something like, "Ok, time to clean up/ go home/ go to bed/ have family prayer." I thought maybe if she got in the habit of doing the same things everyday, then suddenly the idea of chores, making beds, brushing teeth, sleeping, or doing her music practice would start to seem like a way of life ....

I know, I know ... BRAND NEW IDEA. Ha, ha. I get that I am late on the uptake here.

That said, life is working out great.

I love our schedule. I don't feel cheated when I wake up or get woken up early because I know what is coming next, and I am in it to win it. My favorite parts of the day so far are morning family scriptures at 9 a.m. and a very fast and fun toy pick up at 7 p.m. LOVE IT! I also notice Quinn asking more about what is happening next. I think she likes it. Who would have thought that a scheduled 15 minutes of reading together after Kenna goes to bed would solve all our nighttime nightmares. Tonight after asking only one time if I would lay with her (answer is No 99 percent of the time) she moaned, "Ok, good-bye mom."

Loved it!

And hence ....

TIME TO BLOG.

Amazing.

P.S. Quite the unexpected twist. I assumed that family scripture study would be a daily event in name only for the next several years. Not so, today I was moved to tears by 1 of the 3 verses we were able to read as we squeezed in scripture time on my way to spend another $700 on my car. Mosiah 2:3. Loved the idea that commandments and rules are given to us (by God) and to our children (by God and us) with the end goal to fill our lives with happiness. I think of the Joy I have seen in my children with week with a little more structure, and I am grateful to have a Heavenly Father who knows what will make us happy and then gives us guidelines and principles to help us get closer to the mark. Families and kindness (which are basically at the root of all Gospel) are ideas that bring happiness. God wants us to be happy. Wonderful. Amen. On to the car dealership!!!

First Talk -- What the heck is going on?

Let's start from the beginning. At our church, children from ages 3 to 8 meet together in a class called Junior Primary. There are at least 30 children with about 10 adult leaders in our ward's junior Primary. Quinn was asked to give a talk or a little lesson about a gospel topic in her Junior Primary today. This is very new for Quinn since it was her first time. News Flash: It was new to me too since I have never been a primary child.

So here is the bigger, deeper issue that underlies all the emotions of this day -- Living vicariously through your children can be tricky. It is a complicated concept, really. It is not like I am dressing her up in fake eyelashes and whipping her down a runway in search of my own star-studded youth. But I do love to be a part of every detail of her life. And I want her to be awesome. And I want her to have fun. And I want her to be proud and smart and happy. And at the same time ... I want to be all of these things too. So there you have it .... living vicariously through your children can be tricky.

But maybe I am not living vicariously. I think maybe I just love my kids -- Quinn, in the case of this story -- so much I want to die. That love is so intense that I can hardly separate her from me. I can hardly feel the difference between her pain and my pain. Her successes feel like they are mine, and her failures are so incredibly sad to me that it makes me want to die.

That said, I think it is all too easy for my fears to become her fears. Since she is quiet and doesn't love to share her feelings, how can I not just assume that she fears what I fear or that she would love what I love? Again, this is all very tricky, and it just might be why most woman I know have a love/ hate relationship with their mother.

But I digress.

The topic given to Quinn was "The Word of Wisdom." This is the gospel principle that teaches Mormons not to drink and smoke or drink coffee and tea. There are some other important ideas involved, but that is the gist.

She yesterday we sat down with Quinn and asked her about the Word of Wisdom. She wanted to talk about her Grandpa John's little coffee cups that she said are "so cuties." She also remembered the smell of cigarettes in Las Vegas, and she remembered that healthy foods help our bodies be strong and healthy. I felt like our talk with her on the topic was lesson enough, and I was grateful for the good experience and resigned for whatever happen at church the next day. I wrote her little talk based on what she told me and based on the elements of the principle that we most value in our home -- finding happiness, being healthy, living with faith.

She didn't want to practice.

Deep breath. That is fine. We'll try later, and after a lot of patience and love, she and I sat and talked after Kenna went to bed and we practice me whispering her talk in her ear while she said the words nice and loud to the "crowd." A lot of families teach kids to pray this way, but we don't tell them what to say when they pray so this whispering thing was new to her.

So we were ready.

I was excited. She didn't seem to care. I figured. I would be nervous and excited, and everything would go fine and I would beam with pride and she wouldn't care and we would go on with our Sunday.

When we got up to the microphone, she gave me this look, and I knew it was over. She was not going to do this. Not one word. Not for one second. I was sad. Did I want this for her? or Did I want this for me? I talked to her for a few minutes, and she just kept saying no. So, then i didn't know what to do. Should I read the talk for her? Should we just sit down? What was the purpose? Was it to teach the other kids in the class or to teach Quinn to teach and talk and feel good about herself? What is the consequence when she is in high school and gets to a microphone and won't talk. I was clearly taking things too far in my head. But the truth was that I had never really paid attention to how other parents reacted to this problem BECAUSE OF COURSE I HAD NO INTENTION OF THIS EVER HAPPENING TO ME/MY CHILD. Oops. I decided that putting words in her head to say is different than actually saying them for her, and I decided we would just sit down. So, I wanted to cry for my girl or for me (I can't remember, which one), and I smiled and her and said, "Ok." She went to her seat with her class, and I went to my seat with mine.

A mom in the room caught my attention and game me the most beautiful look and said, "It was good." That mom understood. My child and I -- at least me and this child -- are connected. Her pain is my pain. There is no way around it. I am just not old enough to know what I am doing. I am not real enough or big enough to soak it all in and be calm, cool and collected. But I tried.

Later a leader from the front came and asked me if Quinn would want to try again. This was genius. Quinn usually did better in round 2. She leader walked over and asked her, and I saw Quinn nod, "Yes." I assumed that question she nodded too was, "Do you want to try again when you are 12?" But I guess she actually said she would try again today. And the leader said she would go up with her and help her read her talk. Again, genius.

So, the time came, she walked up with the leader, she was scared to death, she developed a slight lisp, she tried to put her hands in her mouth, she whispered as quiet as she could, but she said EVERY word. She did it.

And, thus, she sat down and she didn't care and I was delighted and emotional and we moved on with our Sunday. She did NOT want to talk about it.

So in the end -- did I throw her to the dogs by letting someone she didn't know well enough to say no to do the dirty work? Or did I help her gain the strength and confidence that she'll want in life? And then were all my emotions about her? Or were they about me?

Parenting is tricky. That is all I have to say about that.