Lizza's essay about motherhood

Sorry, Lizza, I love to steal gems from your blog. I love this essay so much. I love what it means for everyone, and I love the honesty from this dear, dear friend ... who I promise I will eventually name a baby after. It just has to be the right baby.

Here is Lizza's answer to "What does motherhood mean to you?"

Parenting had an essay contest. This is what I submitted.

Motherhood means wondering “Is this what I really want out of life?” but by then it’s too late. And then it just comes.

Motherhood means never being skinny enough or rich enough or talented enough but so perfectly whole when my baby saves her first smiles for me.

Motherhood means whispering apologies and promises into sleeping child’s ears because I’m too ashamed to admit to her face that I have no idea what I’m doing and I’m so scared she’ll hate me for it.

Motherhood means everyone wants something from me and my emotional bank account is on permanent overdraft.

Motherhood means thinking in the same evening “I can’t wait to get a break from my kids” and “I can’t wait to get home to my kids.”

Motherhood means being jealous of a non-mom’s freedom and crying with a friend because she’s infertile.

Motherhood means letting go when I can’t and holding on when I don’t want to. It is the original paradox.

Motherhood means I resist the urge to call my kid a doofus out loud and resist the urge to punch the kid who called my kid a doofus.

Motherhood means being a shadow.

Motherhood means all the incessant “Mommy, why? Mommy, why?” are instantly forgiven with one, “Mommy, I love you.”

Motherhood means giving exhausted, blank stares to the grandma at the grocery store who says, “Treasure this time; it goes by so fast,” and then checking on my daughter before bed and thinking, “Where was I when you got so big?”

Motherhood means my bad days are worse and my good days are truly glorious and then I don’t wonder anymore if this is what I want out of life.