Just Cuddle

Deep thoughts about the purpose of life.

I have told a lot of people that after I had Quinn I immediately felt like someone was missing. Happy moments and milestones with Quinn felt sad for me because, again, I felt like someone was missing. McKenna is that someone, and I never feel that way anymore since she joined our family.

I might still have a large family, but before McKenna came and filled that hole in my heart, I was sure I would fill this nest till it would burst. I remember talking to a visiter after one of my girls born about having a big family. She told me about a friend she has with 10 children or something like that. What I remember most about the story is how my friend described this women. She painted a picture of a calm woman relaxing on the couch with babies around her and big and little ones playing all over the house as she sat there with a happy, peaceful look on her face.

Sometimes when my life gets crazy, I like to recreate that moment and really live in it. Relaxing with the my babies and loving it with a peaceful look on my face.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately because I am once again pondering the meaning of life. I can't remember an era of my life since about age 3 when this was not a major part of my thoughts and -- sometimes -- fears.

So what is the meaning of life? Well, I guess the meaning of life is -- in part -- a culmination of the eternal truths we learn that are sure to follow us to heaven. Lying and stealing will make you unhappy, treat people nicely, yelling doesn't make people change and is not nice, everyone wants to feel loved, relaxing and free time don't mean much if you haven't been working, no matter how perfect you parent, you can't make anybody do anything or turn out anyway, love others, sacrifice feels good, forgiveness feels good, having children and loving children brings the most happiness possible. (I have more, but it is sometimes hard to hear with Elmo blabbing in my ear.)

So given those basic truths and my basic believes, I can only assume that when I go to heaven, I am going to be a parent. But as I talk it out, I realize, based on these principles, the work probably never ends ... ever. Heaven can't possible be a place where we do nothing because that is not fulfilling now and wouldntt be then. And aside from that thought being a little exhausting to a mortal, the whole thing also turns into a giant circle. I live a good life so I can raise good kids who will live good lives and raise good kids, and in the end we all die and do it all again 10 fold in heaven forever and ever and ever. Where does it end? What is the point?

Well, the scriptures say that the creatures on earth -- including us -- are here so they can have joy in their posterity. The happy moments. That is the point. It is simple but kind of exhausting because a lot of people are not very good at just sitting and loving and being.

But the more I think about forever, the more I realize that the happiest thing I could get good at is cuddling with my family. Some mornings I bring my girls on to my bed, and we just cuddle and talk about how much we love each other. The work of the day will come later, but there is not much point to all that work without this cuddle. And -- based on my vast understanding of eternity that I have been working on since as long as I can remember -- cuddling and loving are going to be the only moments that matter in heaven too. We better get good at it now. Right?

So I have also been thinking about more ways to love my children. I have decided that the most beautiful thing I could do for my children is give them a safe place with no sadness. A place with no criticism. A place with no nagging. Just love. I think you can still teach and prepare children for life without ever treating them like they are small or no good. Everyone deserves a safe space, a big cuddle, a giant hug, and not just literally, but figuratively too. A safe space. (I don't want my girls to ever know if horizontal stripes make them look chubby.)

I can master a lot of things, but if I can't master the cuddle, if I can not be fulfilled by just sitting and cuddling, I will have failed, and heaven will be no fun. I suppose. But the circle continues. Balance in all things. The good with the bad. It is really tricky, and it all makes me a little crazy, but at least today a few things make sense even if most things don't.