Zoloft, Oh, Zoloft (With longing intent)

Today I made fancy french toast, baby sat two extra kids, watched about 3 hours of church, baked two edible apple pies and made 6 gallons of liquid laundry determent from scratch. But all this awesomeness and industry does not change that fast that I am going crazy again and planning to start Zoloft on Monday.

Here is the deal: I told some friends a few weeks that I could feel the depression/ anxiety coming on. I wasn't sure what to do about it. But then it kind of went away. But now it is back exactly as before. Fear of people. Hatred of things that have no need to hate. Anxiety. Short temper. Sadness. Mostly Fear and regret. In fact, I spend a lot of time feeling recycled anxiety about things that upset me last time this happen before I got drugs. They were not based in reality last time and certainly not this time either. Literally it feels like part of my brain is living in the darkest days of January 2009 while the rest of my brain is making up things to be upset about in the present day.

Last night was the last straw. I had a wonderful talk with Tim about some real issues at work. ("Real" but really mild under normal circumstances.) We put a plan together, and all was right with the world when I went to bed, which gave me a glimmer of hope. In the night I woke up freaking out and did not sleep much. I woke up in the morning depressed, lonely and scared. When you have moments where reality is sitting right next to insanity, it all looks much clearer.

Obviously, Zoloft is not my idea of a good idea. We all know that I believe this drug had dangerous affects on McKenna, and I pissed that no one in medical land seems to care. But the reality is that i don't want to try something new. I'll have to figure out a way not to nurse on Zoloft. As before, I would like to not stay on the drug for very long. And this time I won't be scared to go off of it because I have been there done that, and I know I am not crazy for always.

Another concern I have about Zoloft is church. It takes an amount of healthy stress for me to be the amazing Mormon I once was ( or am, whatever). Anyway, when I was on Zoloft I always had these thoughts like, "If I wasn't on Zoloft, maybe I would feel more compelled to do this or this or this." Oh, it turns out I am mostly just lazy now, and -- Zoloft or not -- I need a kick in the pants. So, no worry there.

So, there we have it again.

I hope you'll all forgive for being a stranger the last few weeks both here on the blog and in my personal life. I am grateful to have friends and family who love me and know me and care. I know some of you kind of like crazy Jill (hey, can be fun and loud and angry), and I know some of you probably prefer Zoloft Jill. Maybe I could have you all sign a list or something. I could put all the "real me" friends and relatives in one cell phone and the "Zoloft me" friends and relatives in another and soft have have two lives --- Zoloft and Non-Zoloft, Pregnant and Non-Pregnant, Crazy and Non-crazy.

Hopefully, I'll just keep you all -- all the time.

Monday and Zoloft, take me away.