No Control

Control is a big deal. I think Quinn is cutting her hair one small chuck at a time everyday at school to gain some strange sense of control over her life. I try not to make a big deal about it, especially since I have no proof because her hair is curly and crazy. I just know it looks a lot different lately, and she either puts on her lying face when she tells me she did not cut it or tells me some elaborate story about how she cut it that is clearly not what really happen.

Control is hard. I have a lot of things in my life that are out of control, and I would like to list them. I can control this list.

• McKenna goes in my closet and messes up my clothes and shoes. I find things all over the house. I hate it.
  
• McKenna goes in Quinn's closet and messes up her clothes and shoes. I find things all over the house. I hate it. Surprisingly, I do not think Quinn cares.
• McKenna found a stash of clothes that are too big for her and too small for Quinn, and she wears them or drags them all over the house.
  
• Quinn will not wear what I want her to wear.
  
• I can not get Quinn hair to look that way I want -- impromptu hair cuts aside.
  
• Tim is in charge of the yard, and I have no say.
• My laundry baskets broke, and the new ones are too small.
  
• I lost the Apple TV remote, and I can't figure out how to program my phone to be the new remote.
  
• I asked Tim to kill the Wasps that are all over the front door and the back door. He has not done it, and I really can't handle doing it myself.
  
• I need to start washing my laundry in hot water, but I am not good enough at sorting colors, so I stick to cold. It is not really working anymore.
  
• My baby is allergic to formula.
• Time -- hours in the day -- seem to be going by fast. (This is good during the day, and sad during my quiet alone time at night.

A little in over my head ...

I admitted to a few people in a lighthearted way that I MIGHT have been in a bit over my head when I went back to work 10 days after Lizza was born. It wasn't so bad at first, but then on my first major evening of appointments, the baby started throwing up with a violent reaction to milk-based formula. Dear me. Holding my barfing baby, deciding whether or not she needed to go to the ER, and thinking about how I was one hour behind in my work calls. So, I admitted that I might have been in a bit over my head.

Then, things like that kept happening, and I found myself making that joke more often -- like (maybe) after trying to leave the house with 3 screaming children or on the day Quinn bit Tim while I was nursing the baby or after my neck started to spasm and I had to sit on pillow at work and let the baby cry it out because I thought my arms might give out if I picked her up.

So, here is my confession: I don't have everything figured out. Having 3 (or even 2) kids can be really hard. I am not sure what I am doing or if it is working. Also, I might have sort of felt a bit defeated right at the moment that Tim called tonight to check in, and I might have totally said the F-word. I also might have cried. I also might be in Zoloft withdrawal, which will mostly likely not help any of these situations.

There. I said it. Fine. I don't really want to talk about it, but it is true and it is there and I might (sort of) understand (kind of ) why every one of my close friends has hit a wall after the third child and said, "No, thank you," to a number 4.

But in all of this chaos I seriously would not change a thing, AND I am really in love with my life (which I do not say very often). What a paradox!

There has never really been anything wrong with my life, but I am usually plague with some bigger spiritual or metaphysical issues that make it hard for me to think in small pieces of peace or gratitude. I have spent a lot of my life over analyzing even my happiness, which can be overwhelming in itself.

So, although I might be in over my head in this moment. I can see my happiness more clearly that I usually do, and that I something to celebrate. So instead of tell you more horror stories of traffic, screaming and bedtimes, I want to list some things that are really making me happy and excited:


I love my new friend Megan. There is nothing like having someone come and fill a void that you did not know you had. Very special.

I really love my car situation. Thought I loved my Jeep, (and I really, really did for 12 years), but love our Lexus RX. It is comfy, and I love that 3 car seats fit in the back and I can reach every one of my kids from the driver's seat. Love it. AND I can use a base for the infant carrier, which I couldn't use in the Jeep. Life changing.

My mom bought me an ERGOBaby Carrier. 'nough said. And thanks, Mom!

I feel really happy chemically, and I am grateful to be off Zoloft so soon after the birth.

I love all my sisters.

I am really excited for Quinn to start Gymnastics.

I feel passionate about my Juicer. I know most of the world has not the time, energy or resources to have or care about something so trivial, which is why I am even ever more grateful for the luxury that surrounds me. It doesn't need to be there, but I accept the Joy that I get from it without guilt.

I am going to plant a garden --- mostly things that I can juice ...

Lizza looks less like an alien starting today.

I get to go home in 3 weeks.

I really love my husband, and I am really enjoying the time we get to spend together with his new work schedule.

My job is so easy and so awesome and so fun.

I have gotten a LOT better at picking up my house when it is messy. I still can't clean to save my life, but I am starting to have a system for picking things up everyday.

My husband bought me a space heater for my office like 10 months ago when it felt cold and sad down there, and it still warms me up in so many ways every day.

I have every intention in the world of having more babies. Maybe lots of them. Maybe soon.

I have a new passion for vanilla ice cream topped with a ton of peanut butter and little chocolate syrup.

So even when there is chaos and pain, I really love this life of mine. I am not sure if I always feel this way. I am loving more simple things and worrying less about some of the deep concepts that have plague me for literally as long as I can remember. I feel more open to just accepting joy and happiness. There are problems of course, but there is just so many things that are warm and maybe even a little fuzzy...

Like the perfect hooded towel that my neighbor brought over today for Lizza. We've got 3 of these amazing handmade towels all hanging on hooks in a row in the bathroom. 3 little towels. 3 little angels.

Best Ever Banana Muffins

BEST EVER BANANA MUFFINS

Read more about it at www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,164,153190-224200,00.html Content Copyright © 2011 Cooks.com - All rights reserved. 2 1/4 cups all purpose or white whole wheat flour 1/2 teaspoon salt 2 teaspoons baking powder 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1/2 cup melted butter 2 cups firmly packed brown sugar 2 large eggs 2 large extra ripe bananas (peeled and mashed) 1 teaspoon vanilla 1/2 cup walnuts or pecans, chopped In a large bowl, sift together the flour, salt, baking powder, and cinnamon. In a separate bowl, mix the butter and brown sugar. Stir in the eggs, then add the bananas. Stir in the vanilla. Combine the liquid mixture with the dry ingredients, stirring together only until all ingredients are moistened. Stir in chopped nuts. Transfer the batter into greased muffin cups, filling 2/3 full. Bake in a preheated 350°F oven for 25-30 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in a center comes out clean. Makes 18 muffins. Nutrition (1 muffin per serving): 239 calories, 69 calories from fat, 8g total fat, 37.1mg cholesterol, 134.7mg sodium, 127.4mg potassium, 40.1g carbohydrates, 1.1g fiber, 25.8g sugar, 3.1g protein.

Banana Muffins with Agave

Agave Banana Muffins

Posted: September 20, 2010 | Author: lovestoeat | Filed under: Breakfast, Brunch, Clean eating, Light and healthy, Muffins, Quick | 1 Comment »

A perfect breakfast or snack that isnt just delicious, but also follow clean eating! Found on All recipes, this was easy to make. I did make some changes to adapt to our liking.

ENJOY!

Ingredients:
3/4 cup whole wheat pastry flour
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg-I used some nutmeg and some cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1 cup mashed ripe bananas
1/2 cup oil
6 tablespoons agave
1/2-1 cups chopped walnuts

Directions:
In a large bowl, combine the first five ingredients. Combine the eggs, banana, oil and agave then stir into dry ingredients just until moistened. Fold in the nuts.
Coat muffin cups with nonstick cooking spray (I used liners); fill two-thirds full with batter. Bake at 375 degrees F for 15-18 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. Cool for 5 minutes before removing from pans to wire racks.

I can do anything

There was a time when I honestly believed that I would marry Prince William. It was a practical decision, really. I wanted to be a princess. He was about my age (a little younger by 10 months, which is almost a deal breaker for awhile.) He spoke English. He was ugly. England is pretty magical. So, all the pieces fit together in my mind. Done deal. It wasn't a fairytale in my mind. It was simply something that I had chosen to make happen.

Then I join the Mormon church, and things got a little complicated. I realized I would not only have to go to England, find the prince and get him to marry me, but I would also have to convert him and change some British laws. It was getting pretty complicated. For awhile I had a plan that was ready to implement, but then -- simply put -- I changed my mind, fell in love with Tim Fellow and moved on to new goals.

The magic of this childhood goal is that I was raised to think that I could do anything. You plan. You do. You make things happen. Changing your mind is totally acceptable, but basically if I continue to want to do something, I could, in fact, do it.

This of all things makes me scared to be a mother because I worry that somehow I will not be able to teach this critical principle to my girls the way my parents managed to do for me. (Disclaimer: my parents did not encourage me to move to England and marry a prince. I chose that on my own based on the general teaching that anything is possible.)

I am incredibly grateful to my parents for giving my strength, confidence and knowledge. I think it is a beautiful thing, and it pretty much prevents me from waking up some morning hating my life because I know that I could have done anything and been anyone. Nothing held me back. The skies were the limit, and I chose to be me and live here and have these beautiful 3 babies.

Choice is awesome.

So, on Friday morning I watched the royal wedding with my little girls. It was a little emotional for me to remember my goals of the past. It brought me back, but it also made me feel happy and powerful and grateful for my today.