A little in over my head ...

I admitted to a few people in a lighthearted way that I MIGHT have been in a bit over my head when I went back to work 10 days after Lizza was born. It wasn't so bad at first, but then on my first major evening of appointments, the baby started throwing up with a violent reaction to milk-based formula. Dear me. Holding my barfing baby, deciding whether or not she needed to go to the ER, and thinking about how I was one hour behind in my work calls. So, I admitted that I might have been in a bit over my head.

Then, things like that kept happening, and I found myself making that joke more often -- like (maybe) after trying to leave the house with 3 screaming children or on the day Quinn bit Tim while I was nursing the baby or after my neck started to spasm and I had to sit on pillow at work and let the baby cry it out because I thought my arms might give out if I picked her up.

So, here is my confession: I don't have everything figured out. Having 3 (or even 2) kids can be really hard. I am not sure what I am doing or if it is working. Also, I might have sort of felt a bit defeated right at the moment that Tim called tonight to check in, and I might have totally said the F-word. I also might have cried. I also might be in Zoloft withdrawal, which will mostly likely not help any of these situations.

There. I said it. Fine. I don't really want to talk about it, but it is true and it is there and I might (sort of) understand (kind of ) why every one of my close friends has hit a wall after the third child and said, "No, thank you," to a number 4.

But in all of this chaos I seriously would not change a thing, AND I am really in love with my life (which I do not say very often). What a paradox!

There has never really been anything wrong with my life, but I am usually plague with some bigger spiritual or metaphysical issues that make it hard for me to think in small pieces of peace or gratitude. I have spent a lot of my life over analyzing even my happiness, which can be overwhelming in itself.

So, although I might be in over my head in this moment. I can see my happiness more clearly that I usually do, and that I something to celebrate. So instead of tell you more horror stories of traffic, screaming and bedtimes, I want to list some things that are really making me happy and excited:


I love my new friend Megan. There is nothing like having someone come and fill a void that you did not know you had. Very special.

I really love my car situation. Thought I loved my Jeep, (and I really, really did for 12 years), but love our Lexus RX. It is comfy, and I love that 3 car seats fit in the back and I can reach every one of my kids from the driver's seat. Love it. AND I can use a base for the infant carrier, which I couldn't use in the Jeep. Life changing.

My mom bought me an ERGOBaby Carrier. 'nough said. And thanks, Mom!

I feel really happy chemically, and I am grateful to be off Zoloft so soon after the birth.

I love all my sisters.

I am really excited for Quinn to start Gymnastics.

I feel passionate about my Juicer. I know most of the world has not the time, energy or resources to have or care about something so trivial, which is why I am even ever more grateful for the luxury that surrounds me. It doesn't need to be there, but I accept the Joy that I get from it without guilt.

I am going to plant a garden --- mostly things that I can juice ...

Lizza looks less like an alien starting today.

I get to go home in 3 weeks.

I really love my husband, and I am really enjoying the time we get to spend together with his new work schedule.

My job is so easy and so awesome and so fun.

I have gotten a LOT better at picking up my house when it is messy. I still can't clean to save my life, but I am starting to have a system for picking things up everyday.

My husband bought me a space heater for my office like 10 months ago when it felt cold and sad down there, and it still warms me up in so many ways every day.

I have every intention in the world of having more babies. Maybe lots of them. Maybe soon.

I have a new passion for vanilla ice cream topped with a ton of peanut butter and little chocolate syrup.

So even when there is chaos and pain, I really love this life of mine. I am not sure if I always feel this way. I am loving more simple things and worrying less about some of the deep concepts that have plague me for literally as long as I can remember. I feel more open to just accepting joy and happiness. There are problems of course, but there is just so many things that are warm and maybe even a little fuzzy...

Like the perfect hooded towel that my neighbor brought over today for Lizza. We've got 3 of these amazing handmade towels all hanging on hooks in a row in the bathroom. 3 little towels. 3 little angels.