Cookies

So, I am back in my candida diet groove. I don't eat sugar, fruit, dairy, wheat or most grains. Most of the time I don't even think about it, and I am finally at that point where the thought of those things makes me a little ill. This is a good place to be because it makes the mental game a lot easier.

I am losing weight, which, of course, is not the point. But it is always nice to not have to think about that, right? Great side affect to a horrible illness.

For the most part I am feeling great. This weekend I feel like crap because I made a super yummy chicken dinner that had a sauce made out of the half and half poured all over it ... I then I ate it the next morning for breakfast. Oops. Then I got obsessed with memory of cookies. I love cookies. They are all the only food that I struggle with not eating. And the think about a cookie is that it is a piece of sugar and wheat heaven. And it turns out it is basically impossible to create a gluten free/ sugar free cookie -- not to mention the fact that I am grain free ... not just gluten ... free. Basically, when it comes to cookies and most things that taste yummy after a big steak, I am out of luck. More steak please.

But a few weeks ago I found this amazing little cookie that is so yummy and so perfect and so grain free ... and so totally full of sugar. Straight white sugar. Love this cookies. They have peanut butter, sugar, eggs and chocolate chips. And they taste and feel like cookie heaven. So, I thought I would try to replace the sugar. No can do. I have wasted a lot of wonderfully good peanut butter trying to figure this out, and I am not capable. Two nights ago I replaced the sugar flavor with spevia and the sugar substance with oat flour. I couldn't even pick up the cookies. They crumbled in my hands and tasted like stevia ...

Tonight I tried Agave (which I can't have, but it is the principle of the thing at this point.) This cookies looked great but tasted like dried out globes of dough. Strange texture.

Long story longer, I fell of the candida cart and ate a (small) box of cookies from the bakery this afternoon. Couldn't help myself. A girl has to have cookies.

Diapers and Cuddles

So everyone at our house is a little bit sick with a cold this week. Tonight I tucked everyone in, and then a few hours later I heard wails and cries downstairs from McKenna. I could tell she was really upset, but I would have bet money that she jest needed a diaper change. Everything is so much more dramatic when you don't feel well.

I asked her if she needed a new diaper, and she said, "Yes," with a really sad voice. Then as I was laying her on the spare bed and, "My tummy hurt, mommy." Oh, sweet thing with a yucky tummy. I did not have the heart to put her back to bed. Especially when after I changed her she said, "Ah, I beher." And then spoke really slowly to get all the words in there, "I feel beher (better) now."

I took her upstairs and together we cuddled on the couch. I watched a show while she ate a cookie and put her head on my shoulder. We talked about her favorite book, and she pointed out all the daddies at work (in an office) in the show I was watching. When the show was over, we picked out a baby doll for her to take to bed with her, and that was that. In that moment I could not have had more love for my life as a mother.

And to be honest, I missed all three of them until I fell asleep, and I might have been hoping that little Lizza would need a midnight feeding.

She hit the duck!

About four years ago, I wrote one of my first blog posts. It was about Baby Quinn and our Gymini toy that sits on the floor and has toys hanging over the baby. There is a duck with a chime in it. The duck was my favorite hanging toy when my niece Calli played with it 8 months before Quinn was born, and it meant a great deal to me when at 4 months (as I remember) Quinn reached out and purposely hit the duck. A real person! She hit the duck. She hit the duck! It was one of the very first beautifully exciting moments of my life as a mother.

Well, so far, Lizza has not been a fan of the Gymini. And usually when I take it out, numbers 1 and 2, get in her way, try to lay in it with her, or take the toys off and lose them. But this morning, Lizza seemed like such a big girl and while we were playing together before the others woke up, I put her in her gymini. The only toy that hangs from the once pristine and now tattered toy is, of course, the duck. And as if she had grown 10 years and 10 inches in the night, this morning my Lizza reached up and hit that duck! I about cried. A real person! She hit the duck. She hit the duck! So much love! So much excitement. She hit the duck over and over again.

It makes me a little sad that she doesn't get the attention that Quinn, Kenna or even Calli got from me at this age. But she is still my champion, and DARN IT ALL she figured it out and she hit the duck -- 3 Months and 3 weeks old. She did it.

She is getting so big, and I certainly love her to death. And while I love her now, I look forward to her turning 2. Tim and I are kind of obsessed with our 2 year olds. It will be sad when Kenna becomes a mean 4 year old, and who knows what age 6 will bring for Quinn. But we can pretty much guarantee that Lizza will get her day to shine eventually.

For now I will just take our little moment together this morning -- Lizza, mommy and the duck -- and I will ponder my great love for her in my heart ... while I wipe spit up off my shoulder.


P.S. I just found the original blog post. I'll include it below. I just read it. I might have been deeper then. I probably tried harder. I probably had more time. I certainly did not have 3 beautiful angels to look after. Here it is ... for what it is ...

May 1, 2007

My baby hit the duck on purpose!

So, I had some work today to get my grades in on time. I put Quinn on the floor on her Gymini that has toys hanging from two arches. Suddenly I realized I was hearing the same sound over and over again. It was the chime inside the duck toy. Quinn was hitting it, smiling, and then hitting it again. Oh, my gosh!!! She’s hitting the duck!!!! I stopped and watched… and watched… and watched… and watched. Wow, they really do grow up faster than you realize. I had so much joy in that moment for her. But I was also really proud of myself. I didn’t let guilt or any other sorrowful feelings get in the way. It is so easy to get emotional… she’ll never do that for the first time again, blah, blah, blah. Or I could have felt guilty for sitting in my chair with the computer in my lap the whole time. But no, I enjoyed the moment. My daughter and I can have so much fun. We can play together and learn together. But I think it is such a miracle that she can do those things without me, too. She can have her own moments. I remembered at that moment the importance of letting children of all ages feel self-motivated. She hit the duck because she wanted to. She did it again because she liked it. So, I watched from the couch. I let out a few cheers. I took a few deep breaths to soak it all in. And I just tried to let the moment happen. Good Job, Quinn. You are a good girl… whether you hit the duck or not.

I think I was extra sensitive to this moment because I picked up a book last night to read while Quinn was nursing. It is a compilation of songs, stories, recipes, games and activities that moms have used with their children throughout the ages. There was a first person article from a new mom in there. It was about how overwhelmed this mother feels when she realizes there are times she is not fully present when she is with her young son. She describes several moments that make her feel sad or inadequate and she ponders the contradiction of cheering and crying at the same time when your little one takes his first steps. She listed several moments she has witnessed where other people seemed to know something about her baby that she had never noticed. But in the end she listed several moments that are just for her and him. She remembered that there are moments so special and sacred between her and her son that they are not in the baby book or on the family blog. They are moments when she is more mother than she or anyone can even comprehend. I really love this thought that Quinn and I have a special existence that does not have to unfold to anyone’s expectations. It is ours, together and apart.