Fasting

Mormons fast and pray. On the first Sunday of every month, we skip two meals, pray about meaningful things, and donate the money we did not use on food to a welfare fund. Well, I took 5 years off. Still Mormon. No fasting. It happened.

But after 5 years of pregnancy, nursing, Clomid, and life getting in the way, today I fasted again. I had mostly lost faith in why we do this. And I didn't realize that my lack of fasting and praying was kind of affecting all aspects of my praying and probably my life. Last night during a conference for women, I was listening to a speaker, and I felt prompted to write, "Why did I stop praying?" on my notepad. I am not sure how many active Mormons don't pray or admit that they don't pray, but I am just throwing it out there because it is true. I stopped, and I don't know why. I wasn't mad, and I didn't feel disconnected. I just stopped. My best excuses (in my heart), "I'm a mom. I get tired" and "He knows. We're tight."

Anyway, I am not pregnant or nursing or trying to get pregnant. I also don't have stomach problems or body image issues or anything else that would serve as a good reason not to fast, so today, I dove back in. It didn't feel guilted into it. I just did it because I wanted to. I felt there were some things missing from my life, and I have a testimony that following the teachings of this church brings me a lot happiness. So I did it. I complained a ton all day, which all scripture will tell you mostly voids the act of fasting all together, but I did my best, and I think God had mercy on me. Because I LOVED IT.

I really loved today. I had forgotten how amazing it feels to be so out of your mind with hunger that big problems seems small and small problems are fixable and so many things are just not important. I felt testy and extra loving all at once, and I remembered that journeys of faith are like all journeys -- long and hard, but so beautiful and so much more wonderful that no journey at all. And I remembered, yet again, that I like hard things. My church has always made sense to me. Even before I knew it was true, it was always believable to me because I know that hard things -- things you work for because you love them or believe in them -- just feel so much better in the end.

Anyway, I felt very connected today -- very reconnected. Very peaceful. It felt like yoga. Sometimes I go to yoga feeling fine, and I leave with awareness of so many things I would like to work on. A little pain to feel what is really happening. I felt that today. I felt a little clarity about changes I want in my life. No guilt. No stress. Just clarity and love from God and for God and for myself. Fasting is pretty deep, and I am not doing it justice, but that is what I have tonight. : )