Baby Steps

Kenna and I have no friends.

We are getting there. But we are not really there yet. The last few nights Kenna has even very politely requesting that we go "home". It is heart breaking for me. She misses her friend, JoJo. She wants friends and school and space. But mostly friends. When I hear her talk it, I start to cry. I know she is only 3. Her talk of friends is mostly just repeating things she hears. I know she gets most of what she needs from our family for now. But it is still hard to hear it. The other night she asked when she gets to play with her best friend Emma again. We met Emma at a park -- once. But I aim to please, and even though she would be fine without it, I found Emma's mom. It's a small town.

But this is the next part of the story. I don't have any friends either. If I did, Kenna would have friends too. It goes both ways. Me and Kenna. Kenna and me. Neither of us NEED friends, but we both want them. I have met so many people. But there is no Lindsay yet to pick apart my thoughts, no Lizza to watch over my heart, no Megan to open her door and welcome me in for cookies and conversation, and no Renee to watch movies with and have races through Costco. I have no friends here. I have people who know my name and a few people who text me, but no friends.

It takes time. I know this. I remember. I lived in Alpine a year before I made a friend and for a long time I lived off basic friendships. I remember feeling lonely sometimes or having no one to celebrate things with. But slowly it changed. People came into my life that change it forever. Changed me forever. People who were simple friends became special friends. It takes time to peel through the layers, earn trust, and find Safety. I know it will happen. Of course, it will. Sometimes I look at the people around me and think about how crazy it is that someday I will know all of them. But for now Kenna and I have no friends, and we both cry just a little.

But we have Emma and Emma's mom, Amy. We met them again at the park today. Emma is an awesome little girl who always wears sun glasses. But today there were too many kids at the park, and Kenna clung to a rock even though her special Emma was there. My yoga teacher Katie was also at the park. For a brief moment i opened up and said the I think my 3 year old is depressed and I ruined her life. She told stories of her 3 year old having the same problem. It made me feel better. And then Emma's mom, Amy, called after the park to say she found someone who is giving away a bike that is perfect for McKenna. I might not have picked Amy out of a crowd to be my new best friend at first but she is clearly building and giving and caring. That earns a lot of points with me. There are friends to be had here for sure. It will take time for sure. And some days will just be harder than others for sure. Today I just miss my special Utahans so much. And I can't stop crying. Baby steps.