Open Heart

I know it is not true. But it just feels like I love my kids more when I feed them ice cream -- like I am giving more love -- especially when I do it at the cutest ice cream shop ever.
 
I am trying to open my heart. I am doing a lot of self reflecting about my life and motherhood. And answers keep coming that I need to give more. All the moms I know are always talking about girls' nights and needing a break because they give all day and drive to kingdom come for soccer or spacing walking classes or whatever their kids need. But I am pretty sure I am not giving enough. I am always making it simpler for me -- at their expense most likely.

I concede that parenting will get harder in some ways if I give more of myself to it, but I also see that it will be more rewarding and have more direction. Here's the truth: I have zero vision for my parenting. I have no goals, no evidence for success. I have no idea what I want parenting to look like -- so even in my own little world -- I can never know if I am doing it right. Am I even living up to my own standard? No idea. So, I am pretty sure I have more to give. But my next big questions is: what should I give? I am willing to give it -- take it from me -- time, money, goals. It's theirs. But what is it? (I hope it's not fat. I really don't want to get fat ever again unless there is a 4th angel on the other end of 50 pounds).

So, I've been pondering and watching and reading. And one main theme keeps coming my way -- worry less, require less, love more, talk more, be love, never yell. I think I do have some things figured out in my life, and my kids could probably watch and notice and learn from me over the years -- if I would stop screaming at them to get their damn shoes on and get in the car or we are not going!

The peace and love and order I want in my parenting is really the same peace and love and order I want in my life. So, I think that it could be true that as I work this out in my parenting -- my children -- will give me everything i have ever wanted. My soul will be saved through loving my kids.

So, that's beautiful and all, but what does it look like?

Right now, I just want more time to sit and talk and cuddle. I don't want to always be working or always be cleaning or always be playing. I basically want to always be cuddling -- balance really isn't my strong suit, I guess. But I think I need a shorter to-do list and more time to sit. A shorter list of things that have to go a certain way. Today I was trying to do this, and before I knew it, I was mad at 2 out of 3 kids because they wanted to sit on the couch I was using to fold laundry. Since they were fighting over who got to sit where on the forbidden couch, I couldn't hear a documentary about happiness I turned on to block out the laundry folding boredom. So, before I knew it, I was multi-tasking the 1) fold 2) "shhhhh!!" 3) watch 4) yell and 5) dream about how a farm with even more chores is the source of all happiness. At least I knew the situation was messed up.

I want more time and order to teach important truths and deeper meaning.

I've been reading a book called "Seven spiritual laws for parents." It's not about religion -- just spiritual truths of the universe -- like Karma and "anything is possible."  It's helping me ponder and decide what I would like to change or add in my life. The books has good ideas for teaching children and organizing some aspects of family life. But as I read, I had a few major things jump out at me. Apparently it is an actual thing among spiritual self-helpers that our desires are often in conflict with each other or generally unclear -- which makes it hard for god or the universe to grant the wants we throw out there. Damn. Like for me, I pray for clarity on how to give myself to my kids and family -- but without a vision of the finish line -- I'm doubly unsure of what I am looking for. Or again, I dream of a farm with lots of open space -- tucked tightly in a small mountain town. Space and cozy do not exist together. God can't grant me 100 acres and a sweet old man neighbor name Maple who brings Jam. A house on 100 acres doesn't really have a neighbor in that same sense. We never once saw our neighbors at the cabin in 2 years. So, my dreams are constantly in conflict -- they require balance and clarity -- of which I have neither very organically.

For now with my parenting at least -- I fill in the gaps with ice cream and -- this year -- probably really expensive Halloween costumes. We'll get there.