The Spirit of Water

I've had a lot of really kind and compassionate people ask me lately about my faith journey. It's kind of the under topic these days -- uprooted by the topic of waiting for baby -- but it is still an important topic to me even when I can't give it the time it deserves -- because of waiting for baby.

Someone asked me an important question a few weeks ago. "Well then, where are you? Do you even believe in God?" My answer means a lot to me and hits at the root of why I don't find peace at Christian churches and why -- as one commenter on the blog pointed out -- I am walking into churches and asking them to give me something for nothing.

My answer is that I am not in a place in my life where WHETHER there is a god or not is relevant. It is not the answer I am seeking an answer to. I feel like I am in a place where I understand great miracles and powers of the world, and it is not completely relevant to me exactly where those powers come from. I believe in all the concepts of an atonement, but I am not overly concerned with whether the Christ story is the true explanation. In my heart and mind, I feel completely tapped into those powers of healing and forgiveness, and they don't diminished if i doubt the source. So when I walk Into churches, I feel overly aware of words and phrases that offer love and service to believers only. I hear language that makes me uncomfortable because much of it is absolute and contingent on full believe as opposed to just feeling the joy in a concept or learning to better love those around me.

A friend of mine said one of the most miraculous answers to pray she ever received was one day when she felt God gave her the permission to not HAVE to know what's true right then in her life. Maybe I am blessed with that same peace for now. Maybe it is something different. Maybe it's a curse. But it is totally working for me.

All that said, this week I finally went to meet the Universalists Unitarians. This is absolutely the church I belong in if I decide to stay in or need a church. The UU's use a variety of language, spiritual texts, and prophetic leaders to worship and show gratitude for the earth and our relationships. They also focus on world justice and human rights. I've known for awhile that they could be a home for me. Here are some things I noticed:

-- I joked with Tim that UU might me church for type A people. Everything at this church was very organized. The theme was a little over done. There was registration for Sunday school. A Visitors welcome -- but do it right kind of thing. It just made me laugh a little. But I was still grateful to be there and for the people working hard.

-- if you are going to accept everyone's faith -- which is find of what they do there -- your message might feel watered down at times and you might only reach some of the people some of the time. I did not feel like everyone there was emotionally engaged. And there were times when I felt I was being addresses like a child.

-- that lack of emotional engagement would have been fine EXCEPT I was bawling by the end and I felt really vulnerable. It just would have helped to know I was not the only one touched.

-- the leader singer had a voice that would bring me back. I loved it. I loved him.

-- the theme was about water and how each of us comes from water and has depth like water that is not always clear from the surface but we can always reach deeper within ourselves. There were a lot of connections to themes of water including a story about civil action to clean waters and rivers around the country in the 70s. And then there was an annual ceremony where people took up small bottles of water they brought from home or from special places. They poured the water into a bowl when it was there turn and called out the name of a place near water that is significant to them. I was too tired to stand in the line, but I watch and was touched. I would have called out loudly through my home sick tears "the Uncompahgre river, Ouray, Colorado!!!" I just sat still as to not embarrass myself, but like I said -- the crying defeated that purpose, and i was apparently very noticeable. LOL oops.

-- and the ceremony went on .... And with music and poetry all the bowls of water from the four corners of the room where brought together. Then everyone walked outside and listened while the leader blessed the water. Then half was saved in a vase that will be used for roses during baby dedications this year. And the rest was poured in the church cemetery. The whole thing was interesting and beautiful to me.

-- I can be inspired there. I can grow there, I think.

But it was a little hard to worship without the language of Christianity. I want my kids To have lots of language to help them understand themselves and the powers and peace around them. I hope they get that. It's really important to me.

So, that's where I am, folks. Maybe a Unitarian. Yup, A still pregnant unitarian.