Warrior: Thoughts on Yoga

I woke up at 7 a.m. this morning. I got all ready for the day. I ate breakfast with my angels, and then I took a nap at 7:45 a.m. I am really tired and feel all kinds of aches and pains that I vaguely remember from the past -- and know are not labor. Boo. And so I napped. Twice.

But I remembered a special moment today as I was tapping into memories of false labors past and present: One night while I was pregnant with Quinn, I got up in the night because my hips were hurting me so badly. I walked around our very empty home and settled in the living room where I started to do a few yoga poses. I was in warrior II and praying for relief when I a turned my head and got a glimpse of my shadow reflecting largely on a wall. I was 10 feet tall in the shadow and strong. Before I had seen the shadow, I felt weak in the pose -- weak that I needed a pose in order to have a body strong enough to even sleep. But the shadow showed a warrior. A strong, tall, amazing warrior, and I felt energized for the last weeks of my pregnancy and ready to be a warrior for my children in all things that they might need.

Still -- like today -- when I feel major pregnancy pains, and I remember being over due and depressed -- when I fear the baby won't come ever or that I will forget how to be the amazing mom I want to be when he does get here -- I think about my shadow, my warrior. I can do hard things. I am ready. I know so much more today than I did 7 and half years ago on that sleepless night. I know that you hardly ever think about those sleepless nights again. You forget the urgency and stress you felt while waiting for baby. You slip into mom mode within moments, and you never care again what swing or crib you chose to buy or couldn't afford. Your body becomes what it needs to be, and you take care of you and baby in a whole new life time after the birth.

Tonight in the middle of my pain, I moved on from Warrior II and into tree pose. I wanted to feel my imbalance. Partly I wanted one more thing to complain about, and partly I wanted to remember it -- the imbalance -- is there and its OK. But the opposite happen. I was more balanced as ever -- a swaying tree, eyes closed, legs strong, peaceful heart. Like that first moment I saw my shadow in warrior, my tree surprised me and showed me that I am stronger than I think I am in a time that feels so weak and so hard. My pain is part of my balance. My fear is part of the tools I need. I am balanced. Strong and ready.

For years in tree pose, I have heard instructors tell the class to place their foot either below the knee or above it, and I have always worked to have a solid foot on my thigh that doesn't move. But as long as I can remember my balance pose, my peaceful pose, is with my foot on the side of my knee. A foot on the thigh slips off and gets all crazy. But on the knee I don't put pressure on my leg, I hold it gently. In my pose today, I surrendered and let my leg sit where it will. No pressure, no stress, no inferiority. It is OK to nap at 7:45 a.m. I am taking care of me. And in this commitment to being who I need to be (when I remember) I am strong and balanced and ready for baby Charlie and his big sisters.