Deep thoughts about Signing the Book

In order to become an official member of a Unitarian Universalist Church congregation, you have to attend a new members class and then "sign the book." I don't think the commitment is intended to be forever. If you move, you make the commitment again somewhere else. If you're done, you stop going. So in my head, I know it's no big deal. But my heart was really confused. I guess I felt like since we were already involved and using church resources, I should sign the book. I went to the new member class last Saturday, and at the end I checked by my name on a form that said I was planning to send the book in two weeks with everybody else.

But then I didn't want to anymore. My thoughts were fairly unclear, but I knew I didn't feel excited about it. And the thought of not signing the book gave me a sense of relief. I talked to some close friends about it and made my decision.

This is the email that I sent to the Membership Cordinator to let her know I had change my mind and I am taking a different path for now. I was satisfied that I had finally pulled many of my thoughts about this experience together. It's a nice moment when you make sense of the crazy in your head. When all the thoughts come together:

Hey, friend, I've done a lot of thinking this week, and I have decided I am not ready to sign the book. I want to, but I am not ready. I know I don't owe anyone an explanation and that everyone is really cool with whatever -- in awesome UU fashion -- but I would like to share my thoughts because I'm going to need some help along the way.

I feel like I need a lot of personal spiritual answers in my life right now. I joke about post Mormon recovery but it has destroyed me. The Mormons, the process in and out of that church, and the aftermath with friends, family, marriage, and self. I'm a mess. I'm lonely, depressed, worried, sad, and anxious about life and death. I think FUUN (first Unitarian Universalist Church of Nashville) is a great place and support system for me right now, but I feel like I don't understand myself well enough to make a commitment. Well, that's not true, I know myself too well. I love commitments. I love church. But I am trying to learn what my life looks like without the last set of church and commitments I made. I guess I was hoping the membership class would give me a little detail about why people sign the book -- what does it really mean for people? Why do people do it? Why do some not do it? I know I am not the only one in every UU room that comes from former religious trauma. I need someone to translate for me how this commitment of my time and effort is different from baptism and all the broken promises of my past. I know that it is different, but I think my soul needs to have that conversation -- to hear the words. I can't decide if I need to heal before I sign the book or sign the book to heal. And if I need to sign the book to heal, then the signing has too much power. I'm learning how to stop giving religion power over me. It's a long process. Nonetheless, I am pretty sure I am over thinking this whole thing, but the heart only knows why it knows. Right?

So, if it is ok, I will keep growing and healing among you without signing yet. I just joined the choir and am really excited about that.

I'd love your thoughts now and in the future. I think you are great :)

Please pass my decision on to awesome Mary.

Thanks,

Jill Fellow