Fragile

I feel very fragile today. Filled with questions. Filled with worry and some doubt. I'm not stressed. I don't have stress. I'm not depressed. I don't have depression. But today i'm sad. And since I'm not very good at balance, I'm not sure what the right amount of sad is. So then I take things to dark places. And then later I'll be perfectly happy. I don't think I'm crazy. I think there are more people like this than we get credit for. Maybe the other Jill's are too affraid to raise their hands. I understand. It's kind of new for me, and I don't know what to do with it. I think the church made you feel guilty for feeling sad so I mostly avoided it. I went on along from ages 19 to 22 with a lot of white man guilt sadness. Doing enough in the world? Using my mortality for enough purpose? Would I ever accomplish my dreams? Or worse, would I ever decide what my dreams were? So My thoughts and feelings are digressing back in time. Maybe I'm 19 again. But maybe I'm only 4 again -- that's the first time I remember feeling lost and confused about the existence of life -- age 4. But either way, 4 or 19 or 33, it feels like I am digressing. It has been a rough couple days inside me. But I think actually this is how I used to grow. Lots of questions, lots of thinking, lots of feeling, lots of doubt, and then the new emergence of knowledge truth hope. Maybe this is who I really am. Maybe this is who I have always been. Maybe this is who I would've but the last 33 years if I hadn't started letting the church tell me what to do and think and feel. It's not their fault. I wanted someone -- I wanted them -- to tell me what to do and think and feel. So maybe I'm not digressing. Maybe I'm moving forward. Maybe I'm growing up. And this is my process. It kind of sucks. But at least it's mine. Maybe I'm moving forward. I hope tomorrow I'm not so sad.