I
was rocking out to some Christian-rock-techno-music today. And I was really
lovin' it. I was covered with goosebumps and peace. Yup. You heard me.
Goosebumps AND peace. Fear not. I have not accepted Jesus. (Or, "I am so
sorry" depending on who is reading this.) But I was overcome. I was
feeling a sense of freedom and happiness that I don't get graced with very
often. (No pun intended. Well, maybe intended. Ah, the humor of the
faithful).
I'm not Christian anymore. It shouldn't be a big deal. But it is a
big deal because I was pretty solidly Christian and Mormon for a long time and
now that I am not, a lot of Christian words and meanings and songs and ideas that
might seem casual, normal, and harmless to a regular ol' non-religious person
suddenly feel really stressful to me. For example, when someone says, “I’m
gonna prayer for you,” I tense up or get a little sick to my stomach or worry
that the new friendship just halted to a stop. I suddenly feel like I have
something to hide. A secret. I don't know how to respond, and I suddenly feel
like a liar.
But people who have never been super religious, do not -- I believe
-- react in this extreme way. They might think, "Oh, cool" or
"Oh, crazy" but the main thing they are thinking is -- nothing. They
are not thinking about it. They aren't processing how intense religion can
feel. They probably won’t suddenly fixate on what and how they should filter
what they say for this person -- because it's a non-issue. They don’t speak
that language and so the words have little meaning. It is like when Americans
speak Spanglish, and we think we are rocking the Española. What we don't know can't make the Margarita sour, and so we happily order another round and smile
really big when we ask, “Donde Esta El bano?”
So the point is -- being not Christian
is one thing and having never really cared if you were Christian or not is a
totally different thing. When I was Mormon, I liked a little cheesy Christian
music. But I always felt guilty and a little ashamed to listen to it. I was ok
with it being dorky and generally horrible music. But I actually felt like I
was sinning because Mormons had some strict ideas about worship and music. When
we left the church, I would certainly not have gone to raid a Christian bookstore
first thing. I mostly wanted nothing to do with all of it. As some of you have
read – this process sometimes looked dark or funny or confusing to me -- and
probably you -- but it was real. Remember when I was super depressed at Christmas
and felt no hope? Yeah, that sucked.
But as the scars have healed and as I have
become more comfortable in my first pair of shorts and with the rest of my
identity, I am freer to find joy for joy’s sake. I can listen to a horrible
song and just like it because I just do damn it. I can feel goosebumps from a
song and not worry about if it is the spirit or the devil or true or not true
or what it says or why it says it. I can just say – I choose to not finish
reading 50 Shades of Grey because this is the worst writing in history. And I
can just say – this Disneyland Electric parade style rendition of Joyful,
Joyful is really moving me. Thanks, Jesus!
Because the truth is – prepare to be
shocked – I’m drawn to religion. See! I knew you’d be shocked! It's not really religion. I'm drawn to stories, community, answers. It's in me. And although I know
now that it is all not nearly as true as I was told, and although I am
committed to never letting an organization tell me how to live my life ever
again, and although I know I don’t have to send my kids to vacation bible
school or ever share my Sundays again, sometimes I get a lot from dancing it
out to someone else's jam. I’m healed now to a point where I can listen to
something Christian and enjoy it the way I might enjoy an invite to Hanukkah or
learning a Native American rain dance or breathing deeply through a first class of aerial yoga. It’s part of me. The beauty of worship. Time to breathe. A moment
to think. A wave of gratitude. And so the walls are open, and I can be more me
now than ever before. Cheesy and idealistic and hoping for peace – anywhere I
can find it. Joyful. Joyful.
PS -- If you can, please invite me to Hanukkah.
No comments:
Post a Comment