A time when I needed music in order to feel

My prayers are answered and tonight I finally got to watch Pitch Perfect 2. Thank goodness. And after, I obviously wanted to buy the soundtrack. I went to iTunes, and two things happen. First, I could not find the iTunes Store because they moved it or are calling it radio, and I don't understand.

Second, I found my old iTunes account from before Tim and I synced accounts -- oh, 9 years ago or so. A few things were happening in my life 9 years ago or so. American idol was very popular. I was infertile. I was a little depressed. I didn't have children to distract me. I let a lot of people tell me how to feel to the point where I felt very little.

But back then every now and then I would hear a song or remember a song -- and suddenly I could feel -- very clearly -- feelings that belonged to me. Feelings that had no words. Feelings that I put on repeat. Feelings that were not written by the rock band I owned. Feelings that I bought for $.99 each. And because my emotions were so specific and so personal and so loud in a time when many emotions were quiet or translated, this list of songs is still both raw and magical for me every time I see it -- which is almost never since I do not understand where it goes when it disappears. And I don't mean that metaphorically.

So tonight I started listening to the songs. I started dancing. I started singing. I started crying and laughing. And I felt grateful that I am not that girl anymore who is begging to be heard or craving specific emotions that felt so elusive is my friendships, marriage, and aspirations. The way these songs used to peek through as color in the fog -- they were just mine. They didn't need to have meaning for anybody else. And for the most part they didn't. The soundtrack of my documentary that had no words and no sound.

So, if I become famous anytime soon, you should make sure some of these tunes somehow magically get from my mystery iTunes account and into my Real True Hollywood Story special. And feel free to use some of them like "In Christ Alone" song by a former Back Street Boy as ironically as you choose.

Barry M. -- Mandy
Alicia K. -- No One
Lauryn H. -- Zion
Brian L. -- In Christ Alone
Ben Folds -- Landed
Jack J. -- Better Together
Mercy Me -- I can only imagine
Casting Crowns -- Praise you in this storm
David Cook -- Always be my baby
Dixie Chicks -- Not ready to make nice
John Mayer -- Waiting on the world to change
Kelly Clarkson -- Beautiful Disaster and Because of You
India.Arie -- Private Party
Brooke White -- Let it Be
Indigo Girls -- Galileo