Milk

For about a hundred reasons that I can't remember right now I have decided to ween my McKenna-benna from the milkies. But let me tell you it sucks. I feel like a new mom that can't get her baby to take a bottle. And, of course, the minute I made this decision McKenna got sick. Dear me. I was hoping to be back to normal size my Monday for a special event I have to attend. No such luck. And now I just want to give up. Like I said, I know there is a long list of reasons, but right now I just want to cuddle my baby. Woo is me.

Piggy Bank

Last night Quinn slept with her piggy bank. Her bank is big and porcelain, and she slept curled up with it right by her head in her crib. She was happy as a clam.

No complaints here.

Graduate School

As many of you know, I have applied to go back to graduate school to earn a Ph.D. starting in Fall 2010. I can't really post about the process here, but I just wanted to let you know that things are looking really good in the application process, and I have had many occasion and excuses to go shopping. I'll let you know when all is decided.

Recipes

So, I am pretty sure it would never occur to my mother to cook something without a recipe. The fact that I would and she wouldn't seems to really represent the difference between us. She has told me my whole life that since I was born, I have opened her eyes to new things. I have helped her grow, helped her think differently, helped her -- maybe one day -- to consider cooking without instructions.

Since my mom has always been so open with me, I have always known that there is a good chance I would get a child who is nothing like me -- like my mom did.

I think that child is Quinn.

Quinn mixes her watercolors. She doesn't do it on accident like I did as a kid. She does it on purpose to make new colors. In my whole life it has never occurred to me to use a basic watercolor set and make hundreds of beautiful colors. When I see a kid's watercolor kit all messy with a little brown in each circle, I think it is time to throw it away. But not Quinn. She likes it that way. That is how she paints, and everything she paints is ten times more gorgeous than anything I have ever dreamed of making.

Today while she colored, I asked her if I could borrow her paints. I sat with her, and I painted a picture of "Daddy." It didn't look like Tim, and I used mixtures and messes of paints. Quinn gave me little tips along the way. It turned into the most beautiful watercolor I have ever made.

Thanks, Quinn.

Thanks, Mom.

I'm glad it all works out the way it does.

Just Cuddle

Deep thoughts about the purpose of life.

I have told a lot of people that after I had Quinn I immediately felt like someone was missing. Happy moments and milestones with Quinn felt sad for me because, again, I felt like someone was missing. McKenna is that someone, and I never feel that way anymore since she joined our family.

I might still have a large family, but before McKenna came and filled that hole in my heart, I was sure I would fill this nest till it would burst. I remember talking to a visiter after one of my girls born about having a big family. She told me about a friend she has with 10 children or something like that. What I remember most about the story is how my friend described this women. She painted a picture of a calm woman relaxing on the couch with babies around her and big and little ones playing all over the house as she sat there with a happy, peaceful look on her face.

Sometimes when my life gets crazy, I like to recreate that moment and really live in it. Relaxing with the my babies and loving it with a peaceful look on my face.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately because I am once again pondering the meaning of life. I can't remember an era of my life since about age 3 when this was not a major part of my thoughts and -- sometimes -- fears.

So what is the meaning of life? Well, I guess the meaning of life is -- in part -- a culmination of the eternal truths we learn that are sure to follow us to heaven. Lying and stealing will make you unhappy, treat people nicely, yelling doesn't make people change and is not nice, everyone wants to feel loved, relaxing and free time don't mean much if you haven't been working, no matter how perfect you parent, you can't make anybody do anything or turn out anyway, love others, sacrifice feels good, forgiveness feels good, having children and loving children brings the most happiness possible. (I have more, but it is sometimes hard to hear with Elmo blabbing in my ear.)

So given those basic truths and my basic believes, I can only assume that when I go to heaven, I am going to be a parent. But as I talk it out, I realize, based on these principles, the work probably never ends ... ever. Heaven can't possible be a place where we do nothing because that is not fulfilling now and wouldntt be then. And aside from that thought being a little exhausting to a mortal, the whole thing also turns into a giant circle. I live a good life so I can raise good kids who will live good lives and raise good kids, and in the end we all die and do it all again 10 fold in heaven forever and ever and ever. Where does it end? What is the point?

Well, the scriptures say that the creatures on earth -- including us -- are here so they can have joy in their posterity. The happy moments. That is the point. It is simple but kind of exhausting because a lot of people are not very good at just sitting and loving and being.

But the more I think about forever, the more I realize that the happiest thing I could get good at is cuddling with my family. Some mornings I bring my girls on to my bed, and we just cuddle and talk about how much we love each other. The work of the day will come later, but there is not much point to all that work without this cuddle. And -- based on my vast understanding of eternity that I have been working on since as long as I can remember -- cuddling and loving are going to be the only moments that matter in heaven too. We better get good at it now. Right?

So I have also been thinking about more ways to love my children. I have decided that the most beautiful thing I could do for my children is give them a safe place with no sadness. A place with no criticism. A place with no nagging. Just love. I think you can still teach and prepare children for life without ever treating them like they are small or no good. Everyone deserves a safe space, a big cuddle, a giant hug, and not just literally, but figuratively too. A safe space. (I don't want my girls to ever know if horizontal stripes make them look chubby.)

I can master a lot of things, but if I can't master the cuddle, if I can not be fulfilled by just sitting and cuddling, I will have failed, and heaven will be no fun. I suppose. But the circle continues. Balance in all things. The good with the bad. It is really tricky, and it all makes me a little crazy, but at least today a few things make sense even if most things don't.

Sensitive

When I was little, I was really sensitive ... to everything. Emotions, spirits, people, clothing, fabric, temperature, food ... everything.

It really bothered my mom that I was always complaining about my shirt tags itching me or my shoes being uncomfortable. That was me, though. And when I got older, it really bothered me that I couldn't wear wool and other fashionable fabrics because they itched my skin so badly.

But then suddenly -- out of nowhere -- while I was in Europe when I was 19 years old, fabrics stopped bothering me. I could wear itchy things: gloves, scarves, shirts with tags, even uncomfortable pointy shoes and knee high boots that made my legs sticky and itchy. It was crazy, but I loved it.

But about a year ago, I noticed some tags and clothes were bothering me again. Lately I've been cutting tags out or just throwing clothes out. Even some of the very sweaters I bought in Europe have had to say goodbye.

So why?

Does it have to do with the Zoloft. Is there a connection between my emotional and physical sensitivity? Does being emotionally calm irritate my skin? What is going on?

Luckily my Snuggie does not hurt my skin. Amen!

So Sleepy

My baby is making me so sleepy. She can't seem to decide if she is going to sleep through the night or not, and the inconsistency is killing me. I was in such a horrible mood when I woke up this morning, and it resulted in me allowing Quinn to watch the season premiere of Chuck! What is wrong with me? But we got plenty of cuddle and love time in before I left for work.

One class down today -- 2 to go. So Sleepy.

Welcome, Santa!!

We loved our first Christmas Morning in our house! It was great. I had no expectations because Quinn has proven to never react the way I want her too. She woke up Christmas morning, and yelled, "It's Christmas!! Come get me!" over and over again in her crib. I had the video camera rady when Tim helped her up the stairs. I said, "There are so many presents up here, Quinn. You are going to freak out." The tree was packed with gifts that had all mostly been there for about 3 weeks, but the front room also has a new Little Tykes car and big play house. She didn't even notice or car about the car and house at first because she didn't understand that they were presents too. She just ran right around them to the tree. Santa had put her gifts in the car, and when I said, "Look (pointing tot he car and house) these are presents, too. She noticed the boxes in the car, and went straight to work taking them out of the car and putting them under the tree where they belong. After awhile she figured things out and go excited about her stuff. It took awhile to get the hang of gift opening because she is a gentle little thing and ripping paper with excitement really it's her style. McKenna was actually a much better gift opener. When we weren't looking, she would bend down and find a gift and have it half open in no time. Tim loved his Stephen Groo films, and I loved my new gloves, freezer and our new family set of Little House on the Prairie DVDs. The only problem with Christmas was that it was not long enough. We had to get the girls down for naps early, and when they woke up, I took them with me to California for the week. We left on Christmas because it was cheaper, but I think we really would have enjoyed the day at home with our new stuff and with each other. Special thanks to Grammy and Kristie for supplying the car and play house. BOTH girls love these gifts. McKenna spends all her time in the car when Quinn is at school, and they loved to play in the play house together. We had planned to put both these toys down stairs until Spring, but we really like they upstairs, so that is where they will stay for awhile. As many people know, I am not one to redecorate, so they night be up here forever. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Quinn's Thoughts

Today as I was getting out some play dough for Quinn, she said:

"I love play dough.

And I love dance shoes and princess shoes and dresses and nightgowns and you and McKenna, and I love all the papers, and I love all the dresses, and I love all the nightgowns and all the princesses.

And I love play dough, too.

I love you mom. You're my best friend.

I'm making a happy monster. MOOOOOOOOM ... I'm making a happy monster! (repeated multiple times.)"

It's a Thanksgiving Miracle!

Out of the blue, I decided to roast my first Turkey today.

I called my mom and my brother-in-law this morning, and off I went.

I made stuffing, potatoes and corn, but I didn't even set the table or anything because I was fully prepared for this to be a test run only. I figured since turkey is still kind of cheap from the holidays, I might as well learn the feasting art without the pressure of expectations or company.

Everything turned out great, and it turns out Tim is a master Turkey carver.

After we ate, we stuffed dozens of containers with leftovers for the whole week.

So yummy and so successful.

Setting Sail at Last!

After several years of waiting, we finally booked our first cruise. I am ridiculously excited. Goodbye, wintertime blues, I'll be dreaming of my warm May cruise all season.

Email me for details if you might want to join us. We'd love for another couple to come along.

I'm dreaming of a big cruise ship...

Blogging from the comforts of my new Snuggie

I was scanning through my blog reader and I saw a post titled, "Blogging from the comforts of my new Snuggie, By Jill." I was really confused because my name is Jill, and I am in love with my new snuggie. I started reading the post, and I whole time I kept thinking, "I don't remember writing this." I didn't. It was post by my student named Jill. I was cracking up because I, too, have been cuddling up to my new snuggie like it is nobody's business. The best part is that she got a bright pink one for Christmas, and so did I.


I laughed my head off when I opened my snuggie from Lindsay. It is breast cancer pink, and so she got it for me because some of the proceeds go to Breast Cancer research, which is one of my causes, of course. At first I thought the snuggie seemed really thin and not nearly as quality as it looks in the TV adds that make you laugh. "It's the blanket with sleeves." No, not a robe, the other one. But man, when I put this thing on it sent me into the best nap I've ever had. And then last night on New Year's Ever I wore it during our Stephen Groo film festival with Lindsay and Brandon, and Tim was totally jealous that my blanket had sleeves and his did not.

Anyway, I love my pink snuggie, and I love that my student loves all the things I do. It rocks.

Happy New Year. Snuggle Up!!