More Grumps

To be honest the grumps have turned into hate and anger. I think today is the day I lose my daughter. She hates me. And today I kind of hated her. I cried all the way to church. I guess of everyone meets me hen I look my worse with puffy eyes, it can only go up from their. Next week if I could just get myself their without tears, I'd look like a model.

Back to Quinn, I feel like today is the day I need draw the line in the sand. I either need to give her more freedom or we'll tell at each other until college. What can I give up? I'm thinking of go of up "hair." She got it cut so it is much shorter, and she can probably take care of it herself. Buy it's just sad. I'm no fashionista but I can do eye hair better than she can. It's like hose innocent days of mom-made hair will be gone. She'll have crazy hair and no teeth. And that is that, and I can't stop crying. My baby is gone.

He sad is part is that this is kind of changing/ruining motherhood for me. It just wasn't in today (and lately). I guess this is when the selflessness really kicks in. Maybe I have never fully given myself to motherhood. Do I even like it? Scary thoughts. I think I do. Unjust really don't like being yelled at by someone I love so much. If she were anyone else in the world, I would walk away and cu her out of my life. It doesn't work that way with kids, and I would not want it to. I need my friend, Megan. I think she would relate to my flight. Lizza too. I never had a Sunday morning when I ran to a neighbors house crying, but I think that would have happen today. No neighbors to run to. Pretty such it was not the day to let Suzanne and Patrick from next door see my true colors. They've only known me for 18 hours. So I'll just cry on the 45 minute drive to church andante take a nap later after all the fake church smiles poop me out. (They are not usually fake. Today they will be.)

I think the saddest part for me is the issue of more children. I don't want to stop having kids because of a bad day or because it is hard. All the thing I love are hard. Hard work is hard. If it feels great, it probably took hard work. Hard work does not seem like a good reason to quite. On good days, I want more kids. I feel like that is when I should make that kind of decision. Tim makes this decision on bad days, and I feel that. It feels like a lot of pressure to have good days so we can both want more kids. He'll go with whatever I decide, but I'd rather us both be excited. Days like that make the divide more clear. Or worse -- days like today shrink the divide, and suddenly I just want no kids at all. This is a majorly complicated issue for me. But like I said, it would be crazy to decide on a bad day.

PS -- A mile from the church, I started wiping my face to prepare for the adventure. The kids looked horrible. Dirty and sloppy and .... Grouchy. We pulled up, and their were no cars. Not one. Looks like it is stake conference today where everyone is this area meets at the bigger building together. So basically, I can go home, regroup, prepare for next week, and try again. Small miracles.