But it hasn't been like that for long. I felt fine the day after Charlie Boo was born. Walked around. Held him. Fed him. Kept up on texts and some calls. Couldn't quite have visitors, but I was making it work.
About 24 hours later, I was nursing Charlie, and when I was done, I felt the most excruciating pains EVERYWERE. Not cramping. Not my uterus. Not my stitches. EVERYTHING ELSE. I panicked a little but mostly could ask for the help I needed. They found a heart murmur that was acting up. They gave me medicine and oxygen and FINALLY took away my Giant baby so I could rest.
I had a few hours here and there where I could manage, but mostly the pain was not managed. I could not stand sit or move on my own. I could not nurse or sleep. Useless. Not a great feeling. They did blood work and even cheat X-rays. And since it's a hospital, I didn't get any of the results for hours and hours. Or someone would come in and say, "Oh that blood work looked great." Which turned out
To NOT be true.
A few hours later around noon or 1, I ate my lunch and then started to shiver. It got faster and harder and with each shake my body would tense up, and the pain would get worse, which made the shivering worse, which made me panic. And within 5 minutes I was in a full convulsive attack for an hour. They shoved xanex and a few other drugs in me, but I could not make the shaking stop. The pain was so intense as each muscle in my body was contracted. Horrible. And I would start to cry or scream. Mostly it was involuntary -- the crying -- but sometimes I would think about the pain and how it will never go away, and them I would think about the pain from the birth. I would remember how scared I was then. I thought if I were honest with my fears, it could help. But people hate to hear you cry, and everyone just kept trying to calm me down. After an hour, I got everyone to SHHHH so I could focus on my own visualizations. I remember picturing my love for Tim -- who was holding my hand and hadn't taken his eyes off me -- and for a minute I could feel my back release and touch the bed.
But no other thoughts could do it. It had to be thoughts of my man and me. Sometimes it was thoughts of rock climbing in our perfect mountain home. But mostly it was thoughts of the future. Thoughts that can't be tainted by people of fear because they aren't real yet. Thoughts of hope. And so most of those thoughts were of me and him on a beach in Hawaii playing in really warm crystal blue water. And with that -- each muscle would slowly relax.
I got a hot shower and a nap after that and made it through the rest of the day with Tim basically carrying me anywhere I needed to go. Then a bunch of nurses started coming in all with different advice and explanations. Most thought I was a crazy post partum depressed crazy. I get why they might think that -- but they don't seem to understand that I was in serious physical pain. Real physical pain, folks. And last time I checked that was a perfectly good reason to worry or stress or cry. They tried to pump me with Zoloft -- and like many of you know -- I would NEVER nurse on Zoloft. But since I am the crazy one, no one could hear me. And none nurses can agree how anemic I am. But several have said that if I was any lower, I'd be enjoying my second blood transfusion. And then it turns out that after me asking about my blood work and my sugar levels over and over again -- turns out I have hypoglycemia and that was probably the reason for the convulsive shock, and could have been related to giant baby and might not just go away.
But don't forget your Zoloft, crazy. LOL
So things are up and down. It is hard to control things after I eat. If I shiver, the convulsions start. Last night, my love thought fast on his feet and got me into a hot shower within in minutes. Couldn't be more grateful.
After that I even got UP -- I got a little walk around the floor with my baby and sweetheart AND I got almost a whole night sleep. I was shocked and delighted to be able to move a few body parts on my own this morning and get in and out of bed by myself.
The light is brighter today, and it dims my anger, which helps too. I'm getting thoughts, prayers and healing from everywhere. And this is happening, people! :) I'm getting better. The miracle of healing is always so beautiful to me.
So, so beautiful. Just like this guy ....
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