Running on 30 percent sucks for everyone

My mom left Wednesday at 3 and by Wednesday at 5 everyone was fussing and by Wednesday at 6 they were yelling at me.

And for sure by Wednesday at 7 -- we were all crying.

It was horrible. I had the chills. I was in pain. I had skipped a dose of medication in all the panic. No one was getting homework done. Everyone was jealous of some else. Someone got hurt and needed ice ... and a sock long enough to hold the ice in place. My back hurt, my body hurt, my vagina hurt and I had nothing left. Nothing left to give and nothing left for myself.

Mom's lie about this sometimes. We say we have nothing left. But for me when I tell my kids that, it usually means I have nothing left until I sit here watching Ally MacBeal for 10 minutes. This wasn't that. This was me huddled on the couch in my snow coat shivering and sweating and aching and crying and all my kids ready to sell me to orphans and buy a Grammy instead.

I felt like I was giving it my all. And yet I was in pain and they were miserable, and it was the most discouraged I have ever felt. At the very least -- if I feel miserable, I want it to be because I helped my kids feel awesome. But instead I was feel all their pain piles right on top of my emptiness. Sucky.

I was still crying when Tim got home 2 hours after the kids fell asleep. And I'm as grateful as ever to love my husband because 10 minutes of his care really does wonders in my life.

But alas, I figure this yoyo of horror will go on for a few more weeks before we move on and that in itself is discouraging. There isn't much I can do about it, either. I could take Zoloft which might make me care less about my sad kids and maybe it would also poison my baby like it did to Kenna. That just doesn't seem like an option. But I'll admit that I'm being way dramatic about that, as it might be the answer of how to deal with my pain and stress for like a month. It might just calm me down so the stress doesn't compound. It may even make Goodlettsville, TN look livable or funny or interesting. That's an option I have to consider.

I'll think about it.

In the mean time, I absolutely adore my baby boy and couldn't be happier that he is so snuggly and perfect. Although thinking about the circumcision he got on Wednesday still makes me dizzy and nauseated like I'm bleeding to death. I dread each diaper change. Horrible.