Life is coming back together. I cleaned the house today, had a play date at the park, made cookies with Lizza, greeted my girls at the door with spoonfuls of cookie dough, and then brought the whole gang to the beach -- yup -- you hear. The beach. I found it lady week while driving around with Lizza and Charlie, and we are currently having out first beach Friday fun day at Old Hickey Beach right now. It's 6:15 pm and the girls are full on swimming in a river that may or not be polluted and may not have blue wet sand at the shore. Lizza is focused on making sand rivers and castles, and Charlie and I are bundled up in clothes -- I'm in socks and shoes -- to keep the bugs away. We are nursing, snacking, reading, laughing, and playing.
I'm still having a lot of anxiety. I don't feel stressed or anxious, but my body -- from the acute stress disorder -- keeps telling me that I am. My heart races with any thought that could release even a drop of stress hormone in my body. It's annoying, but it's not real. Working to find the yoga, medicine, and therapy that I need to not live with this forever.
So, I see the light at the end of the tunnel -- the dark tunnel of a long painful pregnancy, a sad/lonely move, and scary labor that has mad me face a lot of stressful emotional and spiritual realities. I see the light -- but I am still in mourning that the tunnel exists at all.
How many times have I been here? Never really HERE exactly, but here in the sense that I have not known how I would go on or find the answer or get my kids or myself or my husband what we need -- and yet -- here we are moving on and moving forward again.
I'm really grateful to be moving on. A little sad to never have a wonderful reason to do nothing for weeks on end ever again -- and ironically -- I'm as to never give birth again or get pregnant again. (I know, I know ...) but I am grateful that tunnels end and light returns.
Other thoughts:
I miss my family
How does my life change if death is the end?
I heart Diego
I still love cookies
I need to start my candida diet
I heart the Unitarian Universalists and refuse to call it a church
I love Lizza in pigtails
Can't wait to see Lizza, Avery, Brooke, Laura and Ben in one week
It is hard to get used to saying "kids" instead of "girls" when talking about all of my children.
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