5 pounds

Nope, that's not how much weight I have left to lose. That is how much weight I gained while on a 10 day road trip with 4 kids and some amazing friends and family members. It's cookie weight, and I'm gonna have to just be fine with it. The trip was amazing and worth every pound and each sleepless night.

Before I left I was not doing well. My heart was racing constantly. I was really anxious and angry. I was getting depressed. The real kind that makes you call the doctor and up your Zoloft even though you believe Zoloft is bad for your nursing baby. Depressed. I was lonely and tired and anxious. My body hurt. My heart hurt. But the trip still felt like a good idea -- so I made cookies and packed up. When I got in the car to go pick up the kids and head out last Friday, it felt like a ton of bricks was lifted from me. I turned on my audio book and put in a movie for the kids and off we went.

It was awesome. Easy drive. And great people. Ben and Laura were amazing hosts. I was so relaxed at their house. I felt peace there. I loved facing the reality that we all grow and and change and I loved watching two people who are so different from me rock at parenthood and love on my kids. I loved playing Just Dance with Ben and getting to know my niece Brooke. I loved my talks with Laura and the general peace and calm of their home. It was healing and beautiful and I know why I felt so strongly that I needed to go there -- even with 3 kids, a 5 week old baby, and an 11 hour drive.

I realized on my drive to Charlottesville after my stay with that crew that I had not experienced rapid heart rate or anxiety even once at their house. I think this trip marks the moment I started to heal from this birth. The start of becoming me again.

And then I got my much needed time with Avery. Our Avery. Avery the first -- who means the world to us. Avery who we don't see enough or talk to enough. Avery who taught us to love others and be as loyal as someone can be. So, as always time with Avery was fun and meaningful. I loved just chilling with her, and I was grateful that my kids gave us the space to talk and laugh. We picked apples and ate ice cream. We even jumped on a moving carousel. Oh, and we ate a lot of yummy food! I loved learning more about Nathan and remembering important times from the past. Avery made me feel like myself. I feel safe and free with her. I think I feel like a big sister and a good friend. And I feel her love. Amazing. So special.

And as if those visits were not enough, we spent the last 4 days in Virginia with my dear, dear friend Lizza, her amazing super human husband Jared and their kids. I'll just say it as it is. Lizza and I are broken in so many of the same ways and in so many different ways. We seek strength, learning, growth and healing. We demand more from life and family. We demand more from truth and god and church. We demand more from the earth and the culture around us. We're both recovering from 4th children and huge moves, and we both never run out of life altering conversation topics. We rocked our babies. We pondered. We talked. We made each other feel normal and justified in our loneliness in our new homes. We missed our friend Lindsay together. We lifted each other. Lizza and her baby had not been sleeping. They slept with me there. And I hadn't been breathing ... I could breath there. My heart could find it's rhythm. Plus, she and Jared fed me. They fed me only organic, farm foods. They had no junk, and they soaked their grains. And a trip to a farm ruined Kroger for me forever. I'm bigger and stronger and ready for the next step after my time with Lizza. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

And specifically, my time with Lizza helped me make my first steps forward healing from the emotional pain of Brandon's birth. She told me her birth story with Emma. And I could feel her story, feel her pain, feel her joy, and feel her fear. She was afraid when she pushed out her baby. Afraid. And her fear made me feel connected to women everywhere and the emotions that link us. I was so afraid. I was so afraid that it changed me forever. But maybe just a little bit of that fear is supposed to happen -- if it is part of the process -- part of the beauty -- maybe then I can live with it. Maybe I can wear my scars with honor instead of anxiety. Instead of pain and more fear. Maybe my fear is beautiful. And just like that I made my first steps forward. Just like that I started to heal a part of myself that I thought was dead or broken forever.

So 5 pounds, 10 days, 4 kids -- healing looks funny sometimes. But it is always in reach -- and that is my faith. I believe in healing and forgiveness. And I believe is receiving the beauty and power of the people around me -- to heal me and remind me that humanity is a miracle.

It is awesome to receive.

Cookie?