Ups and downs

Tonight I lost my mind and screamed bloody murder at my children for basically no reason. I screamed so loudly that I peed myself. Then they cried. Then I cried. I looked myself in my office and screamed a little more. I called Tim from my office phone in the dark twice -- but he didn't answer. But the ringing calmed me down.

Then I crawled into bed with each one and said sorry. Then we did a puzzle. Children are amazingly forgiving. However Quinn is probably too old for me to still be completely losing it. After we made up -- she suggested she stay home from school tomorrow to keep an eye on me. I reassured her that I am NOT a clinical crazy and would be just fine but I appreciated the offer.

Causes of my breakdown:
1. Not enough sleep
2. Children whine and cry and pick at each other a day
3. My children don't listen to me
4. I Didn't get to do yoga until 3:30 -- but the baby cried, and so I had to wait yet another hour
5. I made two dishes for dinner from scratch and the only thing they ate was the store bought bread
6. No more Zoloft


For a minute tonight -- in that dark office with that dial tone -- I thought I hate being a mother. It still might be true. The jury is still out. Sometimes I hate the Mormons for telling me that my worth and purpose are all wrapped up in motherhood. For making having a family not feel like a choice. For not letting me be bad at this. That's a lot of pressure. It was a rough night. But it ended nicely with a beautiful puzzle.