Tim Fellow on my mind

I got married when I was 21 years old. I had fallen in love at 18. Then I dated a few other boys -- most were gay -- and then I went back to my first love and let him marry me when though I didn't know what I was doings the who I was or what I wanted. I thought I had to get married to be a good Mormon. I thought getting married was how you showed love. I thought you had to get married before all the good ones were taken. And I thought you had to be married before you could ever decide if you ever wanted to have sex ever.

Tonight my man and I are back in Florida -- together for the first time since our honeymoon 12 years ago. We are one condo away from the place I had my first vacation with a boy ... ever. Tomorrow we'll be playing in the sand with our four children on the same beach where we bought buckets and shovels and played like kids -- because we basically were kids.

This weekend we drove 10 hours together in a crappy minivan over the last two days. We listened to Barbie movies and babies crying and saw far too many break lights. We tried to enjoy a hotel and we fed our kids apples for lunch. We didn't listen to an audiobook. And we didn't fight very much. We didn't get board.

It hasn't always been that way. I'm way in love with my husband these days. I think we are over the next of many humps and boulders that you come across in marriage. It's a nice feeling. I think we are both trying really hard, but at the same time we are finally in a place where we understand what to say and what not to say and how to really love and care -- and that makes it just not that hard to try really hard.

One of my favorite stories is about a close friend of mine who wanted to kill her dear husband after a fight on a drive to her grandma's house. She put on a brave smile and entered the family dinner when they arrived. But when dinner was over she was sitting on the porch with her grandma. She let down her guard and asked, "How do you do it? How do you stay together for so long?" Do you know what her grandma said, "yeah, it's hard, but would you want to start over with somebody new." NO!

I love the craziness of our life and all we've learned. I love that I have wanted to leave and now I don't. I love that I'm here cause I like it. I love that my husband thinks I'm smarter than I am. I love that this week he made all the meals just cause he was around and I was busy working. I love that the kids kind of love him more -- but kind of don't. They can't decide.

I love that Quinn is old enough to be super grossed out when we kiss in front of her, and I love that we do it anyway all the time. I love that even when I work until 10:30 pm -- he's waiting on the couch to hang out with me and acts like its 8:30 pm -- and we stay up way too late because a day wasn't a day unless we get that time. I love that he'll watch a movie a second time if I haven't seen it -- my getting to see it is part of a second round of fun for him.

I love watching Tim get totally inspired to try something new or when he goes into full blown study mode to attack an exam or an idea. I love that he loves cool, dry air and isn't scared to take risks or start over. I love how he loves dinner guests and how he is loyal to so many people in life.

Anyway, today in the car, I told Tim, "I love you more now than ever." And he said, "me too. But my memory is not that good, so I guess I just think that's true."

I've been rethinking marriage. Me and marriage have been restructuring. What does it mean to me? Why did I do it? Is it meaningful to me? Did I choose this? It's not a conversation about Tim, it's a personal dialogue for me about what marriage means. Our life has changed a lot. Yeah, I promised back then to stay forever. But that was while people were telling me my entire eternal existence was based on this decision that I needed to make as soon as possible. Back then my soul and my worth were riding on it, and I just did the best I could. So now I've been giving myself time to ask what and why about marriage. I've given myself permission to walk away or step out. But it turns out -- I don't want to. But when I give myself choices, When I give myself those choices BACK, I feel much more free to enjoy my man and our life.

We were babies last time we slept in this building. I was putting on a show. I was trying to be a certain way. I didn't know what was coming. Hell no! I certainly my did not know what was coming. I stayed because of church and all kinds of other reasons for a long time. So feeling a genuine love and a genuine desire to be here is so cool for me. And as I get older and my memory starts getting worse like Tim's -- I'm fine not remembering all the details -- I'm fine to just have that moment in the car today -- baby crying in the back -- on the way to our old honeymoon stomping ground -- and goosebumps on my arms -- "I love you more now than ever."