High pressure

So I am pretty successful through day 3!! No yelling and just a little shaming. I put myself in a few high pressure parenting situations on day two and three, and so I'm pretty proud of the results. On January 2 I took all four kids swimming to a pool with ridiculous rules and awful lifeguards. I get really cold there, and I just want to be in the hot tub. Of course Charlie doesn't like the hot tub and then we have a downward spiral when the girls want to be in the hot tub. And did I mention I'm cold? But we were successful.

Another time when I tend to yell at the children is when I create a super fun amazingly cool situation and they act like children about it. They go too far. They get too loud. Why can't they just follow my rules as they eat 4 gingerbread houses for lunch? But I stayed calm, I sent really clear boundaries, and ended the activity and appropriate time. They seem to feel safer in my limits and kindness. Maybe that's the trick. Set limits first so there is less to control later.

Then yesterday I took Quinn and McKenna to Winter Park ski resort to ski just the three of us. We have had a few problems on the slopes this year because Quinn has so many issues about her physical proximity to us. She can't be close enough. So she'll scream at me on the ski slope because I'm going to fast or too slow. But really I'm just a person trying to learn to ski and I need all my focus to not die. So, of course, I'll yell back. But yesterday I tried to have a very different perspective. This is a ski day for them. We are here to have fun together. And so if they got stuck on the flat part, I stopped and got stuck too. And then we talked while we skated to the next hill. I tried not to get offended when they said things like, "I hate this." I tried not to shame them for their feelings. And when Kenna got hurt, and we almost had to call ski patrol, I tried to stay really calm and empathetic and really help her work through it because I knew it was a good chance she would pop up in a second and go back to skiing. Took a few hours, but she eventually did and in that space before we went back to skiing, we just enjoyed each other and french fries. What was the point of this day? Have fun and spend time together. Success. I usually have too many agendas about me, and that's when it starts to fall apart. I'm not an oppressed person. I have plenty of me time. I have plenty of time on the mountain without the children. So I'm trying to train myself to focus differently in different situations, and this prevents me from yelling.

And, of course l, each day I've been starting with a mantra. A few deep breath's. Maybe a sun salutation. And a sentence that speaks to me that I chant over and over again. This morning I started with "no child deserves to be yelled that." But I quickly moved on to "build a family you'd want to spend time with." That really spoke to me this morning, and it helped me reflect on a great day yesterday.

But I'm still an idiot. Today I'm planning to do 2 two hour sessions live on webcam with all the children at home and no babysitter. This is an awful idea, and we will surely fail. I talked to the older kids about it before hand, and we have some plans in place. I'm emotionally prepared that either my teaching of my parenting might not go well. And I need to be prepared to have a different plan for Friday.

Jill Fellow
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