What's wrong with you? I'm better than you.

I include shaming in yelling. The best way to describe it is the "what is wrong with you?" attitude. Sometimes I actually say this, and sometimes it is implied by the awful things I say instead. Yelling is kind of a gate way to shaming for me. I haven't yelled yet this year -- but I made Lizza feel so stupid when I wanted her to keep the trash can open and she thought I wanted it closed. What's with this need to control even the trash? "Didn't you hear me? Come on!" I would seriously never hang with anyone who talked to me like that, so why pass it on to my children?

Listen. I get that I'll make mistakes -- but the bigger question is what flaw in my thinking makes me make these mistakes over and over again?

I've narrowed most of it down to two things -- two misconceptions.

1) I have to control you now to get what I want later

2) I'm better than you

Let's start with "I have to control you now to get what I want later." This has a couple interpretations. First, if you don't clean the way I want today, then look, there is me cleaning up this god damn mess again tomorrow! I want things this way and that way, and every time you do it wrong is a prison life sentence on my slavery in life, motherhood, and patriarchy!! Ok, so that takes it a little far. But basically, if you don't listen today, you won't tomorrow, and I can take that to a dark angry place really quickly. And it turns into "how could you do this to me?" And "what is wrong with you?" Scary stuff, but I am just being honest. For me, a 5-year-old putting the plate in the trash the wrong way can go deep real quickly. "What's wrong with you?"

I think I have to separate them from me. I can't believe that everything they do is a reflection of me or a slap against me. I have to channel in to their selfishness as a way to free myself of this scary connection between what they do, what they become, and my crap or even my future. I also have to be a big girl. I get it; if I go to a friend's house, and my life is falling apart, I am less likely to snap at her because I know I can just leave if I need space. Kids don't give us space. Their mistakes are right their when we are at our limits. But can we create a separation? My stuff is my stuff, and you are a child who deserves love. You deserve love when you forget to clear your plate, and you certainly deserve love later when you choose a different religion, take a different path, or see the world differently from me. I probably won't yell at my adult children, but shaming could easily go on when who they are is connected to my peace of mind now and in the future. Turns out "My way or the highway" might start for me know when they are little. "How could you? What's wrong with you? Are you kidding me?" I see this shaming starting now and growing even uglier if unchecked. I want to change my underlying needs for control with my children now so I can honor them better life long.

The second major flaw in my thinking is "I am better than you." This issue and realization goes far back for me. About a decade ago, I was having regular conversations with a dear friend about our husbands. What's wrong with our husbands? Why don't they do what we need? How can we fix them? You know, general young married deep reflection. We were in her kitchen one day and as part of a deep thought she said, "because it's not like I think I'm better than he is…" And I said, "but don't you? That's the root of the issue here right? You are better." Her face completely changed. She looked at me with young little girl eyes almost in tears and said, "oh my gosh. I think I'm better than him." Their marriage and their life was never the same again. It came beautiful and progressive, and she repeatedly quoted that moment as a game changer for her. She decided to change the flaw in her thinking.

Since then, on good days m, when I struggle with people, I try to ask, "do I think I'm better than them?" Yep, I usually do. Or I'm jealous. It's usually one of the two. So how about with my kids? Do I think that I'm above mistake? Do I not realize that I am still selfish and messy and spontaneous? Why is it OK for me to think those things are beautiful in me and ugly in them?

A little girl came over to play with Lizza the other day. We were supposed to go out for ice cream, but we had a car seat problem and couldn't go. When the mom and the big brother came for the little girl, the brother asked, "did she get ice cream?" When I said no, he said, "awesome! Good." I laughed, and the mom, the brother, the little girl, and I had a little talk about how silly it is that we sometimes want bad things to happen to the people we love. The mom and I looked at each other flabbergasted like, "how do we solve this problem of these horrible ungrateful children?" And then I looked down and admitted to the little boy that sometimes I'm jealous of my sister and want bad things to happen to her. Little tears came to my eyes at the honesty.

I'm a child too. I make mistakes. I am not better than my children. If I could grasp this concept, maybe I could change the second flaw my thinking that they deserve to be yelled at or shamed because they are not as good as me.

I'm a child too. I make mistakes. I am not better than my children. Another mantra worth reciting.




Jill Fellow
801.735.7416